[ruesia]

I am feeling SO drained lately. I am taxed to the max.

I wake up tired and I go about my day tired and I go to sleep wide awake. It stinks. I have a lot on my plate. I work a rather hectic job plus I am going full-time to grad school. Why did I put all this on my plate? My eyes are bigger than my stomach? Yeah. Probably. I also just sold a house, bought a house, and am newly married. *sigh*

I mean, I get it-- I bit off more than I can chew. But now I am just sitting here, chewing chewing chewing and I have no relief in sight. I graduate in August so at least that is helpful. But like I explain to my husband, if you're starving today, having someone tell you they'll feed you in two months is not really going to do anything to solve my problem today. Yknow?

It got so bad I finally agreed to make an appointment with a therapist. We meet Thursday. I am apprehensive about that. I think that people see me and figure "Wow, look at everything she is doing! Right on. She has it all figured out." But they don't realize I basically cry myself to work every morning on the commute in, often go to the bathroom to cry on my lunch breaks, and that the second I walk in the door after the day I am so exhausted that it is all I can do to feed my animals, do the daily chores, and collapse in to bed. Where, naturally, I lay awake and think about my day and am overwhelmed with this pressure of being perfect.

Sometimes I wish I could just let it go. I wish I could not be a perfectionist and NEED to be this image of togetherness. The idea of just saying "Yknow what? I am tired and I need to take today off" and SAYING it out loud to other people is horrifying. Instead, I make up excuses. I've got a cold. I've got the stomach flu. I can't carpool because I have a nervous stomach.

I just need something to keep me going. My husband is trying to be helpful but he always rushes to "Don't talk like that or I'm calling the police." What I am really saying is "I am so exhausted. I just want to lay down and not get up. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go to class. I just want to lay here and be and that is it." And it scares him. I get it. But I have lost the ability to keep it together in front of him. And so now our short marriage is already suffering.

I can't confide in him because he doesn't understand. I can't confide in anyone. My parents think I have this wonderful life--- I am GOING places, they say. But all it feels like is my feet are stuck in quicksand and the more I fight it the deeper I sink.

[Skeezyks]

Hello ruesia: I'm sorry you are struggling. The Skeezyks would simply like to send some healing thoughts your way with the hope that you will soon be able to find deep peace within...

[Fuzzybear]

[ruesia]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support. Sometimes, just having support like this is what I really need.

[adam_k]

It's a very hard place to be in. It sounds do like your in a lot of pain.

I hope therapy helps you. It helped me. It's a good thing to be able to take care of your own needs. People can get so caught up in what they have to do they don't realize the emotional toll it takes on. Can you figure out a way to out less stress on yourself? Maybe ask your husband to help with chores or something?

It can be very hard to get a loved one to understand what is going on in your head. It's scary, it hurts and you just want to fix it. That what I observe from the other side. Living with depression is another set of problems. It's hard to hear those feelings for a spouse but I think it's worse when they rush through your head all day wearing you down. Therapy may help you get control over your thoughts.

I did some CBT and realized some things I did that I can change. A lot of things like black and white thinking, over generalizing. It can paint a more grim picture.

My advice is to find someone to be able to talk to. It hurts so much and is so tiring to carry all of it on your shoulders.

I get the feeling like most people, you just want to be heard. You want someone to witness your experience without minimizing it or invalidating how you feel. Your feelings are real and valid, its up to us how we act in those feelings.

You can PM me if you want someone to talk to.