[adam_k]

I'm not in a very good place. I looked at the DSM out of curiosity and I realized I met the criteria for Severe depression. I don't really care about diagnosis. I am what I am and I don't fit into a single box.

I'm concerned. I have a lot of suicidal ideation. To try and gauge how much a counted the thoughts for an hour or so. I estimate I probably have over a hundred suicidal thoughts a day.

Part of me wants to go to the hospital, but I've been down that route and I don't think that will od much healing. My therapist reccomended intensive out patient but I'm not sure what that will be like. Or if it will help. I could talk to the mental health center and see if would help.

I feel pretty hopeless about my depression and recovering. I know its just a symptom of the depression. I also can check all the other boxed in the DSM, so I am consistant and well entrenched in my depression.

Probably the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now is feeling emotionally alone. I feel let down by my psychatrist and I'm looking for a new one. I should be looking for a new anyway, but havent actually had the motivation to do anything. I've been in therapy for a while, but I don't think it is helping. It may just be my perception but even with that I feel somewhat abandoned. She says she isn't sure she has the time or availability to give me the treatment I need. I also get the feeling she doesn't think she helps me.

I don't know what to do about any of this. I'm not doing well at work, and I feel paranoid I will be fired. Maybe that could be my lack of confidence or worse it is intuition. I've been self harming a lot. Probably every other day. It helps less and less, but helps me cope somewhat.

My family keeps me going. I used to think I stayed alive for them, but I realize its because of my instinct to protect them outweighs the despair, self hate, hopelessness, worthlessness etc.

Any thoughts?

Take a moment for yourself, and love yourself. Be kind to yourself, laugh, cry, sing, eat, sleep... be kind to yourself and journal. You are okay and you will continue to be okay... live one day at a time. Blessings

[QueenCopper]

If your therapist admits she does not have the time or availability to help you maybe she can recommend one that can. Journaling is a good idea, it can help you get started on your way to healing. (So my therapist says) I have started and my entries are not pleasant but at this point I am willing to try. I think the sooner you find someone who is willing to help you and give you the tools you need the better off you will be. We don't want the self harming to go any further, we want you to be able stop.

Hugs to you and I really hope you find what you need soon.

[adam_k]

I'm not overly worried about the self harm. I know I can stop I just don't want to. The Dbt stuff runs through my head. Stay mindful and in the moment. I just don't do it. I guess I'd rather go for that negative coping.

Journaling hasn't helped me a whole lot. I tend to focus on the negative and maybe ruminate more.

Thanks for your kind response. I hope I find some help. I shouldn't be in this kind of state.

Originally Posted by QueenCopper

If your therapist admits she does not have the time or availability to help you maybe she can recommend one that can. Journaling is a good idea, it can help you get started on your way to healing. (So my therapist says) I have started and my entries are not pleasant but at this point I am willing to try. I think the sooner you find someone who is willing to help you and give you the tools you need the better off you will be. We don't want the self harming to go any further, we want you to be able stop.

Hugs to you and I really hope you find what you need soon.

I am sorry you are feeling bad