[struggling_to_live]

I have been through a lot in my life. Pretty crappy childhood.. I don't want to dwell on that too much because it in its self has never affected me. I've always struggled with ADHD but no one ever sent me to a doctor to see why I couldn't focus and acting out when I was a kid but that's OK. I know what is wrong with me now and that's what counts.

I was a failure in school because I was never able to focus. In my early 20's I was very fortunate for the owner of an insurance company who took me under his wing because he saw the potential in me. I was 23 years old, had a GREAT job and was engaged. Married at 24. We bought a house, a dog.. tried to have a baby but I have some issues. The assistance of fertility treatments was not successful. Again, that's OK. I was dealing with life as it came to me because I had been through so many things when I was younger and this was just something else I had to deal with.

I came home one day, and my husband was gone. I could not get in contact with him. The only contact I received was a letter from his lawyer stating there were "irreconcilable differences". I found out a month later that his girlfriend had become pregnant before I did... It hurt, a lot but there was nothing I could do about it.

It was then that my mental state decided to take a major down turn. He has declared bankruptcy on me and there was no way I could because my professional license would be taken away. My work suffered through this depression big time. I was making mistakes, forgetting things and being plain careless. I lost my job.

I still tried to keep the house together. My father had given us the down payment for the house and he could not stomach me losing the house. So I tried.. deep down I knew I was not well and I would fail.. But I tried.

I did get another job, still sinking... Inevitably.. I had to give the home back to the bank. I'm still struggling to focus at this new job. I tried my best but I was drowning. I decided that maybe a different position would be better for me. So I changed jobs.. I would have gotten fired eventually anyways. I just couldn't get myself back together.

At this time of my life I wasn't depressed about my husband leaving me. But I was depressed because the fear of letting my father down killed me. I needed a new vehicle and asked him to co sign for it. This new job.. I didn't have the house on my shoulders. Everything was going to be ok.

I got hurt in the fall 2 years ago. 4 Months after I got this job. I broke apart my leg pretty good. 6 Week recovery time turned into 6 months on the couch, 4 surgeries and an IV at home with nurses taking care of me. Had a really bad reaction to the implants in my body. During this time I was on so many different drugs. I lived by myself and found it so difficult to cope. Not being able to take a proper shower yourself, or get outside for air just took its tole on me.

During the time I was on medical leave I became behind in the payments for this vehicle my father co signed for me. I went back to work before I was mentally ready to.. Couldn't focus. That time on the couch by myself just threw me again... Well. I lost my job. Because I could not perform. This is NOT me.

A few months go by... a bailiff is trying to come repo my car. I just had it.. I was too ashamed to call my father and let him know what was going on. I couldn't bear having him yell at me again because I can't get my life together. The world felt like it was on my shoulders and I had no motor functions to lift it off. I ended up in the hospital because I was suicidal.

More drugs... Didn't help... my psychiatrist would increase the dose, try a few different ones. Still would not help.

I am trying to drag myself out of this depression right now. The collection agency was calling my father and I felt really bad about the position I left him in so I came clean. I came clean about everything.. How I'm feeling. How I can't muster up the ability to even cope with living some days. He said he understood. He would help me. We would take it one day at a time. He would help get the payments back in order until I got back on my feet again.

3 days after this conversation my grandmother enters the hospital for the last time. I was supposed to call the collection agency that day and make arrangements with them but then that happened. I had to make an emergency 8 hour drive to go get my little sister so she could come back and say good bye . ( My parents have been divorced since I was young. My sisters have a different father. This was my mothers, mother) . Needless to say, I forgot to call them. I was so emotionally unstable and fearful for what was about to happen.

That's when the belittling started. He spent days screaming at me telling me how much I disrespect him. All of a sudden he refuses to help me bring payments to a manageable state for me. I forgot to mention I also gave in and declared bankruptcy a few months ago. I'm trying to tell him that I am doing everything in my power to get back to work because the last thing I want to do is stick him with this bill. All he's doing is belittling me. He really does not understand how deep down a dark hole I am.

I did find a job. It is part time with a real estate company. Again, I cannot focus. I called my doctor and had her refill an old ritalin prescription for me because I just couldn't bear the thought of my over active brain being the cause of yet another job failure. The ritalin just makes me anxious, it makes my anxiety so much worse.

Through him yelling at me and me being so hurt that I trusted the darkest part of me to him I had to stop talking to him for a few weeks. I would still answer his messages on facebook when I could but I noticed that he's really screaming at me when I forgot a phone call because my grandmother was dying in the hospital. The only real mother I ever had was leaving me and he's forgotten about every bit of support he said he would give me over a phone call.. I just couldn't handle it. I got really dark feelings every time I saw his name pop up on my messenger. Because it's always so mean and not the slightest understanding.

Today I get messages again... I haven't been able to make arrangements with the collection agency because he refused to help me out for a month or two until I was able to get back to work because I forgot to make that one phone call.

How dare I be so disrespectful? How dare is treat his side of the family this way? I'm such a disappointment!

I was seeing these messages pop up on my phone... And it made me feel that I really don't want to live anymore. I have nothing left to give anyone let alone myself. When he starts on me he's usually the reason I end up feeling like I hope I don't wake up in the morning. I came clean to him, we formulated a plan and I really felt like he was trying to understand. Until that phone call didn't happen. I wish he knew how much I just don't want to live. How hard it is for me to get up every morning. How much of a hard time I am having with my work right now because I can't focus. Again, I'm doing it FOR HIM. Because I can't disappoint HIM. I have nothing to give.. and every time the messages happen it's just taking a little more of what I don't have.

I have been exercising more than I ever have the last 6 months. They say exercise makes you feel better... It's making me physically feel better, but mentally I'm really just not there. I've stopped all alcohol intake. I was getting too emotional when I drank and I need to be sure my thoughts are clear because I'm dealing with some very serious ones.

I understand that he is frustrated with me. He doesn't get that I already feel like a complete and utter failure because I have not been able to recover from the mental explosion that has happened in my head. Too many things have happened over the last few years with not really and breaks in between. The fact that he called me screaming the day my grandmother was dying literally killed me inside. And to know that that day is why he hates me now is unbearable. I know he loves me, I know he just doesn't understand but he's pounding me back in to a really dark place. I'm really unsure of what to do. I can't even go to respond to him because I just don't have the emotional strength it will take to read them. To be clear I will not harm myself but I'm at the point where I would welcome death because I just can't take my own head and the anxiety I have. The fear of my father. What happened to me? I've always been a very strong person but have never felt so weak

[Fuzzybear]

[Skeezyks]

Hello struggling_to_live: I'm sorry your hare having such a difficult time. The Skeezyks would simply like to send some healing thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...

[Anrea]

I read it all.

Wow, that must have felt good getting it all down. I love psych central for the healing feelings others share, and for how getting to put our troubles out there helps me to feel less burdened.

You only ask one question, and I think it is rhetorical, so I won't try to answer it. I think there is nothing I could think of that you haven't. Know that sharing burden will make it lighter, and please continue to share.