[Idon'tlikeusernames]

(Trigger warnings: death, suicide, self injury, marijuana consumption, depression, anxiety, nihilism, mentions of hell, purgatory, jail.)

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sorry if I post this in the wrong forum or break any rules. Mods/Admins/people in charge, feel free to edit or move this accordingly if you need to. In a better state of mind I would take the time to find the proper place to post this but I am in the middle of an ongoing crisis and I just need to get feedback or literally anything. Sorry about the length. I feel like you wouldn't be getting a clear idea without the backstory and explanations. If you want to skip to my current situation skip down to the paragraph with the asterisk at the very beginning like this:[*]

I have been depressed for at least the last decade. I didn't know it until about 6 years ago, and in the past 4-5 years it has just gotten exponentially worse as time goes on. I started receiving treatment last November after a suicide attempt at the end of October 2015 (which led to me having to drop out of post-secondary and move back in with my family, which is a whole other source of stress) and have been on antidepressants (which i refer to as ADs fairly often) since then up until recently. For a brief time I was feeling better than I ever remember feeling because I was smoking pot regularly and i was even able to wean myself off of my ADs with absolutely no side effects...(I just didn't need them at all) I'm not kidding or exaggerating. I was more confident, happy, optimistic, and completely free of chronic pain that's plagued me since j was 13. The calmness of being high gave me a safe and relaxed mindset to work through things that would give me debilitating anxiety and each time I experienced said anxiety I would work through it a bit more and it would be less troublesome in the future. And I didn't have to be high all the time. Just a little bit of weed once a day would be enough to boost my mood for the next ~48hrs. Without a doubt, the month and a half I was a pot head are *the best* I can ever remember feeling in my entire life. But then I ran out of money, and thus weed. The first week or so was kinda rough, since suddenly for the first time since November, I was not on any medications whatsoever and had to deal with the full force of my depression again all of a sudden. That being said, I managed it quite gracefully (and by gracefully I mean not leaving my house and stuffing my face instead of falling back into self injury or trying to commit suicide) up until last night...

It was 2 am, and I was feeling that wistful kind of feeling that you only really get at 2am or on rainy days, and I wanted to read something that would satisfy my philosophical feelings so I could go to sleep.. Except somehow I stumbled across a subreddit known as "horribly depressing" and read a couple pages worth of things depressing enough to make the happiest person in the world sad for a few hours. I stopped before I got too far in, but I couldn't stop my mind from taking what it read and running with it. About 30 min later I had completely lost faith in the human race and the universe in its entirety, and was ready for the sun to completely swallow the earth whole as long as it meant humanity was wiped out of existence. I guess it was a kind of existential crisis. The dread became worse and worse until eventually it wasn't even about the universe, or the world's issues or humanity. It became worse until it felt like all that is and ever was is just pure dread and anxiety and fear. I sat like that for a while, and eventually it all gave way to the deepest, darkest pits of hell I have ever experienced in my entire life. There are no words that can accurately describe how horrible I felt. It's like the worst feeling of depression you've ever felt, magnified by 80000, on steroids. I've been so low that I couldn't move or think before, but this was so much worse. I can't even explain it. Like the full fury of hell had just been unleashed upon my fragile mind. Just know that I've been severely suicidal and depressed for the past 3 years almost consistently (suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, almost attempting at least once a week) and this made that feel like a walk in the park. It was like time had stopped and I was in purgatory for an eternity, but instead of any physical pain it was all mental. I honestly felt like I was dead and had gone to hell. Once I regained the ability to actually move I tried cheering myself up by playing a game on my phone, watching cute animal videos, reading about acts of humanity etc. Instead of helping or even doing nothing, all it did was make me feel so much worse, and actually made me cry hysterically until I fell asleep. (Usually I can't cry at all when I'm in the midst of depression) [*] the next day I was fine. I had to babysit, so the kids I was babysitting kept me fairly busy for most of the day. As soon as I had finished though, it was like the flip switched and I felt as terrible as I did the night before. Now, unless I'm consistently distracted all the time I fall back into that state of mind without any prompting at all and I can't function or find my way back to reality. I used to be able to either pretend to function or let someone know what's going on whenever I slipped into a bad headspace. Now I cannot pull myself out of my own head. It's like reality isn't real and I'm in hell and I can't even signal for a raft to keep me afloat.

I'm so terrified. I'm not myself when I'm like that and I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt myself, or that I won't be able to come back from that state of mind, or that that feeling of utter hopelessness will follow me back to reality or something. Please help me... I don't know what the hell is going on and I'm so scared. Is there anyone who has experienced anything similar or knows what's going on? I won't be able to see my therapist for another few days and I'm not confident in my ability to keep myself safe for that long right now.

I am so scared to go back to that place in my head. It's so bad. It's so, so, so bad. I can already feel myself kind of starting to go back because of writing this. It's literal hell. My thoughts cause me physical pain. It's so hopeless. I feel like one of those characters on TV in jail, when they're begging frantically to not have to go back. Kicking and screaming and crying and grabbing onto the walls and doors.

Sorry. I know there's a lot to read and it might be pretty intense. Let me know if you have any thoughts, comments, suggestions etc.
Thanks for reading,
MH

[elevatedsoul]

well.. did i make a new account and post this just to mess with my head?

i am not in a good place to say many words... my mind is really messed up right now.. so i will try to keep it short

i totally know what you mean though... what a bad place...

the next day I was fine. I had to babysit, so the kids I was babysitting kept me fairly busy for most of the day. As soon as I had finished though, it was like the flip switched and I felt as terrible as I did the night before. Now, unless I'm consistently distracted all the time I fall back into that state of mind without any prompting at all and I can't function or find my way back to reality. I used to be able to either pretend to function or let someone know what's going on whenever I slipped into a bad headspace. Now I cannot pull myself out of my own head. It's like reality isn't real and I'm in hell and I can't even signal for a raft to keep me afloat.

i cant think well so not able to use my full brain power... but im trying to learn about this kind of thing too.. is your memory really bad..?
so far i have been told things about compartmentalization... maybe this why you switched and was fine while you had to babysit and it flipped over when it was done and you went back..?
they told me a couple things about dissociation and borderline personality too...

i dont really know much about this because i dont understand my feelings... i dont know what im feeling, cant discern the different feelings..
but im apparently severely disconnected

are you talking with a therapist..?
sorry you are suffering... i just remind myself constantly that where there is a beginning.. there is an end... but the end is the beginning... if something can start, something can end... so all i need, is my own place within...
the storm can only last so long... and one of us will give up before its over so it will end...
dont know if its true, but have to hold onto something...

wont catch me giving up.... wont catch me..
never give up..

You're scared because you want to live and don't want to make another attempt. I'm sorry your frightened. It's hard. For me, sometimes I am anxious/depressed one night then when the next night comes, it's a lot better. You may have a good night ahead. Please tell your family if your feelings don't subside. Your fear is telling you to reach out for help. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Sincerely, Myst

PS Keep in mind that your attempt was a trauma in and of itself. Sometimes the memory (it can even be happening unconsciously) can cause fear to sweep over you like a wave. Unfortunately, I am speaking from experience. It's not a great feeling but, for me, part of the process of recovery is acknowledging and feeling bad things. Only then can we begin to feel emotions like joy, connection, etc. When we learn to feel joy and connection, at times, we won't feel depressed. It might get better. Hang in there.
Sincerely, Myst
PPS Medical marijuana should be legal.