- An acquiantance died. (Friend of a friend - I've never met her). I'm JEALOUS of her. And hate myself for it - she's been fighting her illness so long and didn't want to go.. and here I am being jealous. What's not to hate?
- I got a really, really thoughtful present of a friend I haven't spoken in years. It came with the request to send her an email. I'd rather have not received the present, because now I have to email her. I'm so selfish.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Breadfish: The Skeezyks would simply like to send some warm hugs your way with the hope that you will be able to find peace within...

[adam_k]

Does socializing feel like rubbing against sand paper? Is it exhausting for you?

Is it really a gift if there are strings attached?

It's rough to hate yourself. Is it based on shame for wanting her fate?

I had the same thing when my cousin died... She had cancer for a long time and fought so hard to stay alive, had a little boy to look after. I wished so much that it was me instead. It was a dark period in my life. I had been suicidal for such a long time I think it was only natural I felt that way. While other people wouldn't have had the same thoughts, the fact I was jealous didn't make me a bad person. I was just struggling with my own stuff, as you are too.

As for not wanting to email your friend, I think that's ok too. She may not realise how hard it is for you to do that. Instead of a long email perhaps you could let her know how much you appreciate the gift but that you are not feeling up to emailing at this point. And then maybe say how you will keep hold of her email address for the time that you feel able to get in touch.

I hope you are feeling better about yourself soon, for what it's worth I think you're a great person



((((((Breadfish)))))))

[Ceridwen18]

What we feel, we feel. We don't choose to feel it, but we can choose to accept it.
You were jealous of someone who died. That's where you are at. It says nothing more about you, than you wish to be free of all the things that are making your life hard to live at the moment. Does death symbolise freedom, change, release? Is it so wrong to want those things when we are suffering?
Make space for the feelings, acknowledge them. Accept them for what they are.
You are not a "bad" person for feeling anything. You are you. Hugs