[azarga]

Hello.

I know this is a very long post. I will try to make it as readable as possible.
I'm grateful if you are able to read it all, but I don't expect you to do so


I'm 27, male.

I was born in 1989 in Moscow, Russia. My parents were very young, - father - 27, mother - 21, - and quite poor when they had me. Also apparently I was an unwanted child.

My father had to provide for my mother and myself, which wasn't very easy due to his lack of education and quite terrible personality. He jumped from one job to another, also drinking heavily.

When USSR collapsed it only made the matters worse, but luckily for my parents by that time I was old enough to go to kindergarten, so my mother was able to start working as well. We got by, even though sometimes their combined income wasn't enough to buy enough food for 3 of us and we had to eat nettle soup. Given these conditions my mother always tried to raise me a tough and unpretentious child, always teaching me to know my place. Father on the other hand hated me from my first days. blaming me for ruining his life and having him to sacrifice himself for the sake of the family. He would often come to me (up till the later point when I stopped living with them), - drunk and upset, - he would have me sit next to him and would tell me for 3-4 hours about how miserable his life was and how I better repay him tenfold for his sacrifice when I grow up. Mother used these "life couching sessions" as a chance to have some rest from her drunk husband and never invloved. She didn't really care about how it affects me - she cared about me as a biological organism though, enough so that people would say that she is a great mother, but she never shown any affection or love towards me.

In school I was always a loner, always preferred books' company to that of my peers. I had only one friend and preferred to stay at home or in library most of the time. Despite that, I was never bullied in school - I was a very calm and shy, but also strong and tough boy. I was very good at studying, except for math, which I had no interest in. Good grades and modest behavior earned me lots of praise from teachers and some more loathing from my father, calling me a p***y.

Things were getting better for our family, as economical situation improved, later our family even got a separate apartment (which also meant that we had to move and I lost contact with my only friend, which didn't really bother me that much). In the meantime my parents had a second child - my sister, who is 10 years younger than me. Somewhere around age 12 or 13 I was sexually abused by my uncle after he, my father and their friends had a loud drunk party. Uncle was so drunk, that he thought I was his wife and tried to rape me, but failed due to being too drunk. Of course, I did my best to cover up for uncle, as I didn't want father to become mad with me becoming a "f****t" (in russia we have a common belief that men become homosexual after being raped - even thought technically I wasn't raped), and to avoid general unrest that could follow.
Oh yes, right, in the 9th grade I also got a crime record after stabbing a boy from another school, who would regularly come to our school to check on his homies. He was older and bigger than me, threatned to kill me if he sees me in that school again. So one day when he was dragging me behind the school's corner to "deal" with me I stabbed him during the fight. The boy did survive, but was in a hospital for 2 weeks. I wasn't sent to prison, but got 3 year trial period. Which, of course, I passed with no accidents. Because I'm very timid and peaceful person when left alone.

As you can see, my teenage years had some unpleasant moments.
But on the outside it didn't seem to have affected me at all - since very young age I learned to keep a neutral facade no matter what happened to me.
After 9th grade at school my mother insisted that I co into 4 year professional education school of her choice, I obeyed without question. That school wasn't of any interest to me, but there I met my next best (only) friend. And my future wife. In general it was moderately fun students' life, stupid and with quite a lot of alcohol. On the 4th year though our bestfrienndship came to an end. But I was still dating the same girl. About that time I started really losing motivation in life. Fewer and fewer became the number of things I cared about.

After graduating from professional school I went to college (university) of my choice. It was completely different direction than profession I already "had". Before it was Metrology, and now - Linguistics.
Also I quit taking alcohol. I was 19 (I started at 14). It wasn't difficult, I just never had alcohol since then (except 1/3 glass of wine on major events).
When I turned 20 we married. I didn't want to, and I had nothing against it. My parents did, but at that point I no longer cared about their opinion that much. It was a very modest students' wedding with only 5 people involved and no family members.

Despite studying in university I had a full time job in 2 days shifts. That meant I skipped some classes, but was able to pay for my education.
Pretty quickly it became obvious to me that this study brings me no satisfaction and isn\t what I wanted to do. I didn't get the languages I wished to study, so my motivation kept decreasing with each new day.
In the middle of 3rd year I quit the university. My attendance was close to none by that point and I was failing exam after exam, so me being expelled was only a question of time.
That was the point when my mother have given up on me as well (father loathed me from the beginning, so he wasn't affected). At that point I became a complete disappointment for my family of origin.
Didn't matter much, because by that point we lived together with my wife's parents at their place. This is not uncommon situation here in russia due to average incomes being quite low and property prices being quite high.

Soon after I had to quit the job I had (in furniture sales), because they weren't paying me for months. I was too inert to quit sooner.
My wife was in a college, but her parents were paying for her education, so money wasn't much of a problem.

I changed a few jobs, sometimes I was making good money, but the job was horrible, sometimes the job was interesting but the pay was horrible.
4 years in a marriage we had our firstborn son. I knew I wasn't ready to be a father, my wife wasn't ready as well, but thought she was, and the doctors were telling her to hurry up with having a baby, because they thought she might have problems with fertility after she turns 25.
Around that time my mental issues started becoming more severe. I was trying to fight my social anxiety and awkwardness by bruteforcing through it. I was an executive in a small company (it sounds way more fancy than it was in reality) - tons and tons of meetings and phonecalls. I was really pushing outside my comfort zone. Well, I overstretched and had a breakdown.
I had no strength to do anything, and my anxiety reached heights that never before seemed possible to me. Quit my position. After a few months of unsucessful jobhunting (in fact avoiding job offerings) I entered conceling for the first time. It was a great relief and mere month after I was already on a new job.
It was a boring office position in ensurance company. I did really well in my department, but the position did not imply any opportunity of career growth. But that didn't really bother me at the time. Also on that job I met my new best friend, who is also my only friend at the moment. The job wasn't too bad, but over time the feeling that what I was doing had no meaning and gave me no important skills was growing. I was constantly stressed and self-loathing. During one of the lower periods I decided to actually start doing something I personally would see as valuable, so I started drawing. I always enjoyed certain styles, and those were something I decided I would pursue as a long term goal. I often felt frustrated by poor results in my artistic study, but I kept telling myself, that that's something a beginner just have to encounter and that it was "part of the journey".
Still, I was extremely upset with my career and my life in general (outside art), felt worthless and inadequate, wasting time on a dead-end job. I was coming home tired and annoyed. When I'm at home I was expected to take care of our son, while my wife rested. I had no ways of handling my stress, was sometimes snapping at my wife or son and my attitude was awful. So after working year and a half there, I quit.
Months of unsuccessful jobhunting (yes, again). And again I was in counseling. My condition was worse compared to what it was when I first entered counseling. This time they also gave me 2 weeks ambulatory treatment at neurosis clinic for Unspecified Anxiety Disorder. It did lead to improvement. I found a job and also decided to work more on my behavior. I saw that I was becoming the same trash-dad as my father was. Few months after our daughter was born.

New job payed well and was interesting (at first) but very stressful. Also later it involved some very questionable activities like faking object status reports. So I quit that job as well. At the same time I've built enough self-confidence to both be better father (I'm pretty decent now at that, even though it costs me quite a bit of energy and builds up more stress) and to attempt starting my own tiny business. I had a financial buffer at the time I quit my job.
I joined professional re-education course to become a massagist (I thought I will finally be useful to people, doing something good, alas). The study went really well.
The business itself on the other hand didn't . I chose a wrong marketing strategy and earned _nothing_ in 4 months. I know that not all project fly on the first go, so initially I wasn't too upset. But my financial buffer was already pretty thin, so I had to think about being employed again.
Unfortunately, it doesn't go well. It's been months and despite dozens and dozens interviews I'm still unemployed. My confidence is at the lowest, I'm unmotivated and tired. I'm in counseling again.
See, over that period of time since I was 19 up until now (I'm 27) I never really felt "normal". I'm always very self-critical and disappointed with myself. It's just that "normally" I'm just feeling worthless, useless, good-for-nothing human being, and on my lower periods I'm borderline suicidal. So it's not like I was OK when I had a job. I wasn't OK for all of my adult life. And now I'm at the lowest point I ever was. My potential to become an artist in 10-some years given my unbroken every-day practice streak was my hope and the last thing I've seen of any worth in myself. But right now I don't really feel like I will ever amount to anything, no matter how much time or effort I will put into it. Paralyzing fear of failure doesn't help either. Family members putting me down doesn't help either. As it stands right now, I'm a complete failure. I have no valuable skills, no achievements or positive traits. My wife and children are provided for by my wife's family (they own an apartment they get rent from, so they will be relatively fine even if they never work), not by myself. I don't want to be a freeloader, so I buy my own food (and occasionally - groceries for everyone else) with
what money I have left.

I avoid being at "home" whenever I can, to escape from the judgement. I'm very tired. Counseling no longer works, it only adds more stress to the pile. My lack of skills limits me to either sales (which I'm too introverted for, I mean I did that for a couple of years, but it got much worse, now I become really unstable under the stress of dealing with other people) or manual labor (which I'm too tired to perform well at).

One company agreed to hire me as a night watchman for $300/month. I'm glad to have that, but the position will only open in August. I don't believe I can get anything better than that given my previous working history, my age and skillset (lack of). I'm hugely demoralized and anxious. Often I feel that it would be beneficial for everyone if I ceased existing. Now, I might feel suicidal, but I won't act on that feeling, not yet. That would be too easy, I don't deserve and easy escape. I know that all the crap in my life is a result of my own mistakes, decisions or lack of decision. I know it will probably be better with me out of picture. My children are very young (son almost 3 years and daughter 10 months), they won't remember me and I won't be able to traumatize them like my parents did to me. My wife is disappointed in me, I'm not the man she thought she was marrying. Her parents would be glad to get rid of a freeloader. My parents would be glad to get rid of their failed product.

Yes-yes, I know that everyone has inherent value, that is obvious when it comes to other people. But I'm inferior to other people, so I don't have a right to use the same rule for myself.
I don't know what to do. For now I just continue my everyday routine of getting up, taking a shower, eating, job searching, part-time job ($2/hour, yay!), feeding, bathing, putting to bed children, exercising, taking a shower, having a coffee, drawing and going to sleep again.

I'm tired. I'm hopeless.

Thanks for reading.

[Skeezyks]

Hello azarga: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I'm an older person myself... perhaps more your parents' ages(?) or even older! But I feel pretty-much the same as you. (Plus, I have tried to end it all a couple of different times.) So much of what you wrote rings true for me.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Dear Azarga, I read your entire story. It was quite interesting and sad. You strike me as extremely intelligent and depressed. You've actually done quite a lot of things for a 27 year old. Your skillset is probably more robust than you think and 27 is young. Depression is just so tough. With your heartbreaking childhood, you probably know that you need therapy but are occupied with all kinds of daily things (making money, etc.) I hope can find the time and resources to seek treatment. I actually see why your wife was attracted to you -- you seem intelligent and brave. I truly hope your situation improves!
Sincerely, Myst

[Clara22]

Hi Azarga,
Thanks a lot for sharing. Sorry i want to be suscint but I don't have your order in writing (excellent!) or your English level (amazing!). So, I apologize in advance if my message appears as blunt or disordered. Hope I can transmit my thoughts clearly anyway.
First at all: no, you are not the sole responsible for this outcome. You have a quite heavy background and frankly you have been amazing at dealing with it. So, please, try to get rid of some of the heavy stones you are carrying in your mind right. It is not your fault you got the kind of parents you got. Man, being a child of a heavy drinker is a terrible karma. You survived, you are a survivor, but if you have profound scars from it, and that is normal. You would not be human if you did not have scars. You grew up in a country that went through a huge change. Those social and economic changes produced a lot of casualties and you are a casualty somehow. I am telling this because also I was raised in a country that went through a lot and I know pretty well that that brings consequences to individuals in all dimensions.
It is important for us, people with depression and anxiety, to get rid of unnecessary feelings of guilt. We need to acknowledge external sources of depression, and the different factor contributing to our mental health condition. Neither we are superhuman able to endure everything, nor superagents causing everything that happens in our lives. Yes, we make decisions, sometimes wrongly. But we suffer from different conditionings as well, including the environment we live in, our childhood, the way our brain works, etc, etc
Secondly, I bet you have more skills than you think. Your writing is very good. Your English is very good. I am a psychologist (with focus on Education). I worked in international organizations for more than a decade and interacted with several people speaking English as a second language, so I am able to appreciate your sophistication.
I do not have a piece of advice for you but I just told you my first impressions.
Please, keep posting
Sending you a hug

[Fuzzybear]