[AwsomeO5000]

Hello, I'm new here, this is my first post.

I am a 46 year old male with 2 adult children whom I raised for the most part by myself. I have been depressed and anxious for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I don't think I know where the anxiety stops and the depression begins, or is it the other way around? I found it hard to go outside, even to just walk my dog. The anxiety kicks in even before I put the leash on. I'm not really sure what the cause of the anxiety is, I just feel like I am being watched when I am outside, being scrutizned, and judged.

At the root, I hate myself, I feel worthless and alone. I don't feel like I do anything right. What is right and who am I to judge myself? It's hard to stop the racing thoughts of self hatred. It's a struggle to find what other unwanted thoughts are crossing my mind without my knowing. It's been worse recently, and I have found myself uncontrollably crying on more than one occasion. The crying helps, it does bring some relief.

I am not currently medicated or seeing a doctor/therapist for the issue. I have tried both and neither have been helpful. Staying Mindful can help, but I feel like there is something else underneath it all that I just can't catch. Something else that is the source of these issues.

I am struggling with this, I am tired of hiding it, so tired... I just want to be able to relax for once, and not deal with this never ending issue. I can't remember the last time I was able to just relax and not think about anything.

[Skeezyks]

Hello AwsomeO5000: Well... the Skeezyks is 68! And I also struggle with quite a bit of anxiety. At this point in my life, although I am married, I otherwise lead as solitary a life as possible. (We do also have a dog we walk daily.) Like you, I also harbor a lot of self-hatred & feelings of worthlessness. And anxiety is a constant companion. The difference is, I guess, that I pretty-much know why it is I feel the way I do. I don't really understand why it all happened. But I know what it all is & how I feel about it... if that makes any sense. I am no longer on med's nor do I see a therapist.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Fuzzybear]

[Unrigged64072835]

Hi, and welcome to PC. I'm in about the same boat as you as far as bouncing between anxiety and depression are concerned. I don't have any advice to give you, but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[AwsomeO5000]

Thanks all, kind of hoping that writing my feelings will help. Never really gave journaling a shot. I don't like writing all that much, so we'll see.