[PaperLantern]

I'm a 26-year-old female. I currently work as an adjunct professor and a Ph.D. student in interdisciplinary studies (Philosophy, literature, mathematics). I've always been an anxious person but I feel like this year has been a living hell. I wake up in a state of self-hatred and self-doubt. I have zero concentration and I put off work because my feelings of self-doubt are so consuming.

I think it may have started out as "imposter syndrome", you know, feeling as though I got into my Ph.D. program and received my position as a professor out of luck. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve my positions and that I received them by mistake or that I'm fooling everyone into thinking I'm intelligent when really I'm below average.

These feelings quickly turned into the worst kind of self-deprecation. I often convince myself that I'm way below average in intelligence, lazy, too stupid, a failure, etc. I convince myself that I'll lose my job or be kicked out of my program any minute now (you know, once people discover that I've misrepresented myself). I worry all the time, I cry all the time, I start work and then I have to use all my energy and willpower to finish because I feel like I'm too stupid for it to be any good. I routinely use words like "failure", "ugly", "stupid", "retarded", "crazy", and "useless" to describe myself internally. My moods are a bit erratic in that I'll be content one moment and either crying or angry the next. I dread being social now and I would rather just be alone with my books. Sometimes I don't even have the energy to physically speak, it's just all so tiring. Every day I have thoughts of being a bad person.

So, I wonder if I should seek help despite my lack of health coverage. I wonder if I'm even deserving of help. Perhaps I'm not even depressed but just keenly aware of my own faults and failings. I just don't want to be someone who seeks help for depression when she isn't depressed but is instead just realistic about her abilities and intelligence levels.

[Skeezyks]

Hello PaperLantern: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I'm an older person now & no longer working. But I struggled with similar sorts of feelings to those you're experiencing. I still have them although they're no longer quite the challenge because I'm retired & pretty-much solitary. You know, lots of people seek therapy for all sorts of reasons. One does not have to have a diagnosable mental illness. From what you wrote, you are clearly struggling. So, from my perspective, it makes perfect sense for you to reach out, in real life, for help with the self-deprecating thoughts that haunt you.

I see this is your first post, here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Unrigged64072835]

I would seek help. There are some forms of therapy that will help counteract the negative self-talk you have going on. CBT and DBT would be helpful. Does your university have a counseling center? That would be a place to start.

[PaperLantern]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello PaperLantern: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I'm an older person now & no longer working. But I struggled with similar sorts of feelings to those you're experiencing. I still have them although they're no longer quite the challenge because I'm retired & pretty-much solitary. You know, lots of people seek therapy for all sorts of reasons. One does not have to have a diagnosable mental illness. From what you wrote, you are clearly struggling. So, from my perspective, it makes perfect sense for you to reach out, in real life, for help with the self-deprecating thoughts that haunt you.

I see this is your first post, here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Thank you very much. I made an appointment to see my general practitioner tomorrow afternoon. I look forward to being a part of this online community. I'm certain it will have immense benefits.

[PaperLantern]

Fharraige,

My University does have a counseling center but their appointments are booking a few months out. Unfortunately I'm also a commuter student which makes attending the counseling sessions a bit tough to work into my schedule. I've made an appointment with my family doctor for tomorrow and I will see what she says. Thank you!

[kkrrhh]

I can relate to those last couple lines so well. Believe me, though, it definitely is depression skewing your perception. I think that seeking help would be a good idea.

[AwsomeO5000]

You are deserving of help, never think otherwise.

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