[RandolphCarter1919]

Hello,

I've been reading this forum for quite some time. I've always meant to join but I was afraid. I've always had a fear that joining would...well I don't know what it would cause but, yes I was afraid.

In any case, I've read many of your stories and cannot count how many times I've felt the same types of pain. I am in my mid thirties and suffer from depression. My doctor, he figures I've maybe suffered from it for many, many years but never really knew...since I always associated a negative stigma with it.

It wasn't until a few years back, after a really bad breakup and terrible health news within my family, I had all these bizarre emotions that were destroying my life. Thankfully, I sought help...but it is an ongoing struggle as you all know.

I work as a home health aid within my family. I am very close to them. Each day I wake up...sometimes I feel like I am in such a haze though. I feel like my life is going nowhere, that what I am doing is pointless.

I obsess about worries that everyone has (finances, health, family) but at unhealthy levels. I try to lose weight, I'm overweight severely, but every time I make progress and feel better, I relapse and put it back on.

I constantly buy movies, television series, games, and try all kinds of hobbies (such as drawing cartoons)...but it is the pursuit of obtaining the item that brings me gratification and out of the funk. As soon as I have the show to watch or game to play, I want nothing to do with it and then get down on myself for wasting time and money.

I do my job well, really well...but it is myself that suffers. Every time I get time for myself to make improvements, or do something mundane like house chores...I let them slip by.

I obsessively worry about time...so much that unless I can think of some grand activity I won't do anything. I end up wasting time by trying to protect my time. And then the anxiety hits because of the time I wasted when it seems like a fruitless march of doom to an endless void.

I don't know why I am writing all this. Perhaps because it is easier to open myself anonymously to strangers than face to face...or perhaps I feel lonely and walk someone to talk to. I don't know...but as I always write in my home journal, I'm so tired of being tired.

Welcome to PC!

I agree that it is much easier to open up anonymously online than it is face to face. That's what got me here in the first place.

But it is very supportive, and has helped me a lot

I hope you get what you are looking for

[Bolivar83]

I'm glad you posted, feel can understand some of the feelings you write about. I empathize with being "tired of being tired" - depression is depleting.

I hope the site will provide you with some community and comfort. It's been a haven for me to discuss issues and concerns that family/friends may not understand.

I also came to terms with mental illness later in life (also in my 30's) for same reasons - was ashamed, felt I had to keep it secret. It took me a while to reconcile that I had to take meds to keep my life and relationships together.

Take care

[RandolphCarter1919]

Thank you Bolivar and Skye for the warm welcome. I have to say, right off the hop your messages have already helped. It is nice to know that other folks have come here for similar reasons and understand some of my thoughts.

Sometimes, that is all it takes to feel better during the day. It used to be when I would explain how I felt to others...I felt like I was speaking Greek to them, they had no idea how to help or understand, and don't get me wrong, they did try very hard.

But just from two key points...that fact that Skye understands the anonymity and Bolivar, that you are similar in age and experience...man right off the bat, like I said, it felt good to be understood.

So thank you.

[Fuzzybear]