[douglas_]

I've only just introduced myself on this site. I am desperately seeking connections, pen pals, anyone I could talk to regularly.

I don't know how to sum up my story succinctly, but I'll try here.

I grew up the only child of a single mother who was emotionally abusive. Moved around constantly so I don't have a home town nor did I really learn what it's like to be part of a community. This is haunting me now as I've lost all the people in my life and am terrified that I don't know how to get on my feet.

My father was in my life until I was 27, when he inexplicably appeared to disown me. I would learn several years later that he'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and my step-mother took advantage, taking over his communications and shutting me out of his life. He died in 2011, and I saw him for first time in 6 years on his death bed. This was extremely traumatic.

I met my ex-wife during the period my father had disappeared, I think being so lost and with such low self-esteem that I willfully ignored many warning signs in that relationship. She and I were both abusive in different ways. But we got married and with her as an anchor in my life, I built a career and saved a lot of money, thinking we would buy a home and I would someday be able to retire.

In 2013, I worked right next to the Boston marathon bombings. The day was horrific -- I don't want to discuss details. But I ended up losing my job 2 days later for asking for a day off. As crazy as that sounds, the full story is considerably worse. I developed PTSD, according to one doctor because the loss of my livelihood as a result of needing down time was very traumatic, more so than the actual events that day.

My wife and I both went through a hellish year being hospitalized for trauma and ended up separating a year later. Soon after this my mother developed dementia, and has rapidly declined since. Many of my friends of many years evaporated, some telling me I was delusional for believing certain things around the bombings (which I can't discuss, but which are not delusional).

I ended up in the span of 3 years losing my family of origin (mom and dad), my wife, my job, my career (have not worked since), and my social network.

I'm now traveling, as I got tired of being holed up depressed at home. Within weeks of traveling, I got a message from my upstairs neighbor that the homeowner had sold the house and told the new buyer (illegally) that I had already vacated, so I flew back and managed to salvage a few items but got rid of most of my possessions. I don't think this was wise, but I was operating under extreme duress, being given very little time to vacate, and I thought since I wanted to travel, made no sense to seek another apartment. As a result though, I am now homeless and living in hostels.

I am a good person, but feel I have been betrayed by everyone in my life. I learned near the end that my wife had cheated on me and was/is, I believe, a sociopath. She did enormous psychological damage during a time when I desperately needed support. Having worked my *** off for many years, supporting both of us, I was left stranded and unable to work.

I sound like such a loser. I have no roots, no job, no fixed abode, no family. I am in desperate need of friends who can help me recover, gain a foothold.

I am terrified I will end up eventually living on the streets, despite being very intelligent, because it is so hard to push through depression and take concrete steps to getting on my feet.

This post is making me sad. I don't know why anyone would want to start knowing me based on all this. I'm desperate.

Please can anyone help me?

[Skeezyks]

Hello douglas_ The Skeezyks is an old man. So he's probably not the person you seek. (By the way, I was also an only child...) However, I send healing thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...

[douglas_]

Thank you Skeezyks

[Clara22]

Welcome and my respects to you. You have endured a lot . To me, that word, loser, is not acceptable. I do not belong to your culture, so it is difficult for me to understand it. But, in any event, if there is a "loser" in this world, that one is not you. You have participated in several unfortunate events and your background is not an easy one. And our times are fluid times. Constantly people are losing relationships, jobs, homes, even countries. I hear (read) all types of stories from different parts of the world, everyday. People that are losing everything and do not have a place to go. Before communities used to embrace people. Now, we do not have anybody. Even if you have a family. It is happening to me right now. It is difficult for me to understand and survive this way. I was raised to exercise solidarity, always. But now what I see is individualism and loneliness, everywhere.
Going back to you, you have endured a lot. Here, I am sure you will find peers to chat and correspond. I don't do chats, but you can PM me anytime. I find a lot of support here.
Please, keep posting.
And remember, IMO you are not a loser.

[Fuzzybear]

[basicgoodness]

I was touched by your story. You have been through a lot. Experienced a lot of losses. You are not alone. I am happy to help in any way I can. Please feel free to private message me.

[Fuzzybear]

I meant to say please feel free to private message me as well. I was touched by your post (and imo you're not a "loser" - that word isn't in my vocabulary though for the most part) (sometimes, like above, I only post hearts, so apologise for the 'double post' )

[feeshee]

Wow....you have experienced so many losses. I,too, lost my job because of a toxic work environment. Husband died years ago, so I was totally on my own. My childhood was meager and traumatic but managed to marry a great guy and we built a great life together. Then he died suddenly. Managed to keep working and keep home for many years until I had to retire early due to workplace harassment. Many traumas. Getting on in age. Live alone with my pets. Siblings have lives of their own....no time for me. Very lonely sometimes but trying to grasp being my own best friend. Long story short.....obviously you are a strong, resilient person. You really are. Life can really suck sometimes....but we're going to grow from the hardships. Just keep on keeping on. You're going to make it. You'll see.

[elevatedsoul]

my words dont come easily as of late..
just want to say that may you find a little relief
some friends of here that know pain and sorrow
an outlet that brings some peace
and a few ears to borrow...

the world will take us down
with every ounce we lose..
our faith can start to drown..
but todays clues,
may be tomorrows pounds
to regain our truth
and kill all the clowns...

(i dont mean people.. just clowns as the messed up feelings and pains that we endure..)

welcome, much love.. sorry that you having to face this stuff..