[wickedwings]

feel so sad. can't cry, though. feel like crying, but can't. tears are filling me up and i'm about to explode because i'm unable to cry. not that i'm unwilling.....fighting to keep my hope alive that i will one day, i will feel better. it's been such a constant depression. those little bubbles of hope is so fleeting that i can't even remember them after they're over. wish i could do better. tried everything to help myself. even changed a lot of stuff in my head to do that. there's too much pain around me. life feels way too short. i'm only 35, but it feels like this depression is killing me. not by my own doing, but by other ways, like my health. been feeling hopeless for too long. it's killing me. i see too much pain around me. can't see any happiness around me. don't know why, but my pets are happpy. but i can't see it, damn it. i go outside into the green (have lots of trees and nature around my home), and feel like death in a murky body of water. beauty is tainted with the sense of death. the dark side threatens to take over. all i can see now are the dark side in everything. there's so much of it everywhere. i can't live like this. i keeping plugging on through my days with the sense that i'm losing so much time to my illness. i feel like i'm losing everything i've accomplished in life that no one can take away from me. all those years of learning how to manage my illness through cognitive-behavioral techniques that have not been working other than keeping me alive in a literal sense. i can't give up. but, it hurts so much. so much pain that words cannot do justice. i feel like i'm dying, dead. wish to feel alive again and stay feeling alive. god, it hurts so much.

[gostryter]

((((((((((((((((((((((((wickedwings))))))))))))))))))))))

personally i think we should merge our depression forum with some optimists club forum....that way they can tell us %#@&#! like the glass is half full and every cloud has a silver lining....and we can slap the crap out of them (lol that would make me feel better!)

i wish i could help hon...but i'm at the bottom myself today....

all i can say is i truly understand the pain...it hurts....it's real and it sucks!

i'm fading fast but whatever love and support i have to give....it's all yours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[wickedwings]

(((((gostryter)))))) you have my love, also....

sounds like a great idea, gostryter....

wickedwings,, i express most of my feelings thru songwriters, what i once was, listen to the words............

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((((((wickedwings)))))

I hear you and I feel your pain. Words elude me at this moment but my heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you. Please know that I am right here and thinking of you and sending you all the love and support I can. Keep posting, keep reaching. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------heres my hand grab hold and hold on. Together we can pull each other through. Love you.

purplesecrets

[stefano]

To see the dark side in everything, yes it is exactly how it works. I know exactly what you mean, even if maybe my crisis are less severe, particularly since I take antidepressants (which means 5 years). Well, I am even more simpathtic to you than ususal, because of this common theme, and becasue we are the same age. According to Dante, 35 was the middle of life's walk (il mezzo del cammin di nostra vita) and it is easy to think that most of life has been spent, so miserably...
Well, cognitive/behavioral is the therapy I am doing since 5 years too. My T never meant it as "practicing skills", as I often read in books... but he is helping me to stop telling lies to myself. My lifestyle IS changing, and I will see if that will stop the pain.

Well, if you feel that your work with cognitive/behavioral is over... do you think you may try the other approach, the psychodinamic one? Psychoanalisis is known to be painful and lenghty, but you already know pain and have plenty of time... Maybe there is an old rusted nail that really must be removed from the wound.

I don't know, just a hint to mean that you should not give up, but keep on trying.

Really, the best of luck

[wickedwings]

thank you for your kind words. just felt completely spent. i have so much to be grateful for in life, but the depression sure ruins everything.

((((tucker)))) thanks. i'm deaf, and i cannot hear the lyrics, unless i see it on tv with closed captioning. i do write poetry sometimes, anyway.