I contemplated putting this thread into the anxiety discussion board, but decided that it better fit here in the depression forum. Something I've been aware of my whole life, but even now I've noticed it still colors and controls more of me than I ever want to accept.

Things have been getting better for me, in terms of mood and stability. I think that is probably why anxiety is starting to manifest a bit more now. My initial instinct whenever something unpleasant happens is to run. Physically run, mentally run from the situation... pretend it doesn't exist.... my whole life has been cycle of that. Only when I'm cornered into facing it am I able to do it. Excessive worry, sadness, pain, regret, fear... in my family, it worked a lot like this -- You may have the breakdown of your life that night... and the next day you are to act like it never happened. You don't talk about it, you don't bring it up... you thank God that it's not continuing and accept that. There are things about me I really wish I weren't. There is an intense fear inside me at times -- I'd rather hide parts of me from the world and never truly be happy than have to face the world as I am.

My sister basically grew up in a mental institution due to her self-harming and suicidal tendencies. I got off lucky -- at least my pain is held only in memories and locked away in my mind. I've hidden it most of my life -- no one could know without my announcing it. My sister on the other hand... has 200+ scars on her arms that tell her story of pain and anguish and regret and fear and true sadness...

I'm so afraid of who I am, I can't change where I came from or the abuse I've been through. I've had complications from running from it for so long. Every piece I try to come to terms with can bring with it a huge wave of emotion I barely am able to handle and for weeks I'm an emotional wreck. I try hard to stay positive. I often have a fantasy of just packing up and moving away from here -- far from family or friends. I'm not very close with any of them anyway, but just to hide from what I carry with me. It's when you find you're always running because you can't face any part of who you are -- or what you are, or who you have grown to be. I'd love to be anyone else, anywhere else, living a totally different life, but sadly we can't redeal the cards dealt. I suffer with intense feelings of wishing i was never born. Fear, fear, fear...

I'm afraid to love, I'm afraid to be open, I'm afraid of the world. I'm afraid of never being OK, I'm afraid to have a "normal" life. I'm afraid to have an opinion and I'm afraid to accept that my life affects others. It's hard. Some days are worse than others... but today has really made me think about how much fear drives who I am.

Anyone else in a similar boat? How do you accept fear when you can't accept the situation? When you can't continue to run from it forever and you're just not ready to come to terms... you just want it to go away? You can't erase life. You can't erase your past, you can't change the world's point of view. All you want to do is run....

[Travelinglady]

Hey, Brentus. My situation is not as problematic as yours, but I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety order. I see a therapist and take Xanax to get me through--and avoid specific, certain situations that aren't crucial to get into.

The latest thing is getting an emotional support pet for anxiety and depression. You might check into that, too.

In other words, the fear can be decreased to the point where it doesn't drive your life as much. Okay?

Questions? Further discussion?

[elevatedsoul]

i have c-ptsd and stuff so i know what you mean about fear..
i dont really know what to do about it besides some therapy, therapy is helping me a little... just having someone that gets it and knows its not all make believe helps a little, but its a slow process...

i tend to dissociate alot though... like constantly, blessing and a curse...

thats how things are with my family too, something major happens like almost being killed, being assaulted, big accidents (or not accident) and then everyone pretends like nothing happened

sadly i did not inherit this trait and everything affects me, they probably are affected as well on some levels but more subconscious type levels probably..hence their explosive natures, where as i am just fearful and even afraid of 'exploding' because when i am triggered into an angry state i black out and dont know what happens... but i keep that part of me burried deep as i can because i dont like it at all

i dont really know how to fix it thats why im trying my best with therapy...

i used to have the fantasy of packing a small bag and running far far away, as far as i could.. i live in virginia so i was planning on getting into canada/alberta and had it all mapped out.. but i let go of that fantasy when i was around 21... or 22... im almost 27 now...( in december)

all i can really say is i feel you.. and i hope that you dont have a dissociation problem like me because its robbing me of my life, as i cant remember any of my past and cant even remember on a day to day basis.. i wake up and then its time to go to sleep and the slate is like wiped clean every minute so when someone asks me if i remember something its a trigger because i never can remember
they think its a joke or something but its not a joke to me.. but its my affliction and i try to live with it the best i can, trying to focus on treatment and therapy so that i can figure out whats going on and hopefully fix things so that i can get control over my life and rid myself of these mental challenges

so far i have figured out that i have developmental trauma disorder, c-ptsd, major dissociation, and im trying to figure out how to fix those things without having to relive a bunch of traumatic memories! but my therapist says that i have to remember and i have to process the dissociated memories or else it will keep me in the same cycle, or something like that... i cant remember exactly what she said, but its just nice to see her since she's smart and kind of cute
i dont have any friends so its nice to have someone that is genuinely interested in you (as in helping, not attraction)

have you tried therapy out?
do you have flashbacks? very well may could have some issues with ptsd
i dont have flashbacks all the time but sometimes im flooded with them constantly.. usually when depression is ruling me

stay strong

[Unrigged64072835]

Fear drives a lot of my life. I'm basically a shut-in because of my anxiety and phobias. At some point I will need to face these fears head-on and deal with them, no matter how much pain it causes, because this closeted life is just as painful.

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

i have c-ptsd and stuff so i know what you mean about fear..
i dont really know what to do about it besides some therapy, therapy is helping me a little... just having someone that gets it and knows its not all make believe helps a little, but its a slow process...

i tend to dissociate alot though... like constantly, blessing and a curse...

thats how things are with my family too, something major happens like almost being killed, being assaulted, big accidents (or not accident) and then everyone pretends like nothing happened

sadly i did not inherit this trait and everything affects me, they probably are affected as well on some levels but more subconscious type levels probably..hence their explosive natures, where as i am just fearful and even afraid of 'exploding' because when i am triggered into an angry state i black out and dont know what happens... but i keep that part of me burried deep as i can because i dont like it at all

i dont really know how to fix it thats why im trying my best with therapy...

i used to have the fantasy of packing a small bag and running far far away, as far as i could.. i live in virginia so i was planning on getting into canada/alberta and had it all mapped out.. but i let go of that fantasy when i was around 21... or 22... im almost 27 now...( in december)

all i can really say is i feel you.. and i hope that you dont have a dissociation problem like me because its robbing me of my life, as i cant remember any of my past and cant even remember on a day to day basis.. i wake up and then its time to go to sleep and the slate is like wiped clean every minute so when someone asks me if i remember something its a trigger because i never can remember
they think its a joke or something but its not a joke to me.. but its my affliction and i try to live with it the best i can, trying to focus on treatment and therapy so that i can figure out whats going on and hopefully fix things so that i can get control over my life and rid myself of these mental challenges

so far i have figured out that i have developmental trauma disorder, c-ptsd, major dissociation, and im trying to figure out how to fix those things without having to relive a bunch of traumatic memories! but my therapist says that i have to remember and i have to process the dissociated memories or else it will keep me in the same cycle, or something like that... i cant remember exactly what she said, but its just nice to see her since she's smart and kind of cute
i dont have any friends so its nice to have someone that is genuinely interested in you (as in helping, not attraction)

have you tried therapy out?
do you have flashbacks? very well may could have some issues with ptsd
i dont have flashbacks all the time but sometimes im flooded with them constantly.. usually when depression is ruling me

stay strong

My therapist has mentioned he thinks I may have some defining symptoms of PTSD-- including reliving very traumatic experiences, a lot of blocked memories and extreme avoidance of the past. It's almost like a trap -- you know you have to come to terms with everything, but you're only instinct is to avoid is at all costs....Therapy and routine medication for anxiety and depression do help me.