[Onward2wards]

I've been deeply thinking how I live my life, what I'm about, how I really behave lately. Looking at what I see as the problems that make me feel depressed, from different angles.

Something strikes me as really odd. I get this really strong impression that I'm looking at someone who has long since disappeared inside his own head and just doesn't ... connect with life. This is not something that "just happens" when I feel depressed or anxious, it's a chronic thing. It does seem to get a bit worse when i actually feel depressed. It's like I'm living in some self-imposed ruminative exile with no evidence of serious attempts to really DO anything significant or pleasurable or personally meaningful, even things I tell myself I feel profoundly motivated about. This is creeping me out to see. It's not my imagination. It reminds me a bit of what the Japanese call "Hikikomori", and whatever it is, I've realized meds just do NOT affect it. At all. Also, it's been very slowly getting worse.

Whatever it is, it needs to end. Seeing it is step one. I can't alter something I don't even realize is there. Now I see it, I want to change it. Big time. How can a person just passively observe life and not really interact with it, and yet be unaware this is even happening? Weird.

[dexter]

I think I get what you are saying Onward. I don't feel the same way but I get something similar with my depression. In my case it is a marked difference than when I am well. If I noticed it lingering into my "well" state I would be concerned too.

I hope you are able to pinpoint this and correct it. Seems like you are on the path to do this. Good luck.

[kkrrhh]

My brain's kinda mushy right now, but if I'm understanding your post correctly, I can really relate and was just thinking about this. For years I kinda blamed it on depression and assumed it was just part of that and would go away, but I'm becoming more and more aware of it being there even aside from depression, too. It just feels like there is this drive or something that other people must have in them that I am just totally missing. I'll want to do things sometimes or at times feel passionate about things and plan to get more involved "in the future" or "when I'm feeling better," and when the time comes I just don't, or the time just never comes. It's like I only want to do them in theory, and I don't know why.

Sorry I don't really have much advice, but you're not alone. Maybe try thinking of things you think you would do if you were being less passive in life, even starting small, and force yourself to do them. I'm just not sure how to change the actual feeling or whatever the root of the problem is.