[dexter]

I still haven't heard back from the people who owe me money. They responded to my last email that they couldn't do anything immediately to pay me back but would try to get something and would let me know. I'd say it is about 50/50 whether I'm going to hear anything from them at all, and if I do the amount they have to offer is likely to be insignificant to what I lent them and what I need to stay afloat.

So today I emailed my boss about taking money from my 401(k) account. This kills me for several reasons. First of all, because of all my previous financial problems that I worked so hard for years to straighten out, I only started contributing to a 401 about a year ago. Truly way way too late in life for it to amount to anything useful, but I considered it a step toward some responsibility so my future wouldn't be totally helpless.

So psychologically it is a big mess for me to now be having to take it out.

Also, because I started it so recently, there's hardly anything in there, so it's not like this money is going to save me... it's only going to help me stay afloat for a few more weeks. Considering the penalties I am going to have to pay for early withdrawal it is hardly worth it, it is going to leave me in considerably worse shape afterward. But "hardly" isn't "nothing" and without it I don't even think I can get through the next week without completely running out of money.

And finally this means more very stressful contact with my job. The boss already emailed me back, he is going to try to figure out the answers to the questions I asked him and get back to me. I was the one who used to figure this stuff out while I was there, so he is going to have to bring other people in to answer some simple questions about our plan. He also has no sense of privacy so everyone in the shop is going to know about this. I wouldn't mind them knowing other than that they have treated me so poorly over the past 7 months... I'd rather just keep it my business. The last time I asked him to keep something "confidential" he shared it with the one person that I most wanted not to know. That's the way he is... he thought "don't tell anyone" meant "don't tell anyone except for...". His office and email are open to everyone anyway.

Combined with how crappy I feel about my finances in general this is really a low point for me. If/when I recover enough to go back to work, I am starting out so deep in a hole... much deeper than the hole I successfully crawled out of years ago, and at that time I didn't have the problems I was facing now, with my physical health and depression. At that time I had a future that made it worth putting all that effort in for, to clean up my finances and take responsibility. Now, at best, my "future" is going to be one of just constantly struggling to keep up, and in my old age I have no idea... with no family or anything what happens to elderly with no income?

It just all seems really bleak.

I've always had hurdles to overcome... I've never thought life was supposed to be easy but the good parts should balance out the bad parts. I always felt I was struggling, while still enjoying myself, toward a goal of struggling less in the future to a point where I would be able to enjoy myself more and worry less. Now it is the opposite... I am going to be struggling to make ends meet for as long as I am active, when I become inactive I am going to be at the mercy of society, with no time in between to kick back and relax at all. I have fewer things to "entertain" me what with the anger I hold toward my friends which I don't know will ever heal, and certainly won't to the point where I let them fully into my life again, which was something I used to count on so strongly as part of my philosophy of life.

Not even to mention not having anyone special to love or be loved.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[cleomaru]

sorry man, but............. don't lend out money.

there are resources and people can make it work by helping themselves and getting those resources, .......... you know how it is to be without money so that probably gave you some empathy........

maybe if you sent it via paypal or credit card you might be able to get part of it back

"don't kick the puppy" ~ j.e.p.

[Fuzzybear]

This totally sucks, dex. I am thinking of you ((((((((((((((((((((Dave))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

[hamstergirl]

All I can tell you is that what you described really sucks!

I don't know what happens to elderly people with no income, but I can tell you what happens to young people with no income. I am one of them and you don't want to know what my life is like. It's even worse now that I'm physically degenerating.

At least I'm in Canada, where there is some illusion of a government safety net, until some clown politician takes it away. But you're in the States, where there's nothing but your own two hands.. It's a wonderful place to live....if you're young, white, male, healthy, able-bodied and employed. If you don't fall into this specific category, you're screwed. Sorry if that sounds cold (and racist) but that's reality. I've been living it since 1993 and I can see no way out. What I said about the States, also applies to Canada, where most people don't care whether people like us live or die. And don't think about it until something nasty happens to them or they deliberately decide to look down at the filthy homeless man huddled over a heating grate in the cold of a Canadian winter. The people who deliberately look down and do something are special indeed and they are few and far between. For example, most people in my parish don't even know I exist. They will not even shake my hand when the peace of Christ is passed around. I'm a modern day leper.

I understand what you are going through only too well, my friend. I wish I had some hope to offer you, but that's for God's kingdom. In the meantime...

<<<<<<HUGS TO YOU>>>>>>>>
MY FRIEND

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[hamstergirl]

I know what it's like not to have anyone to love, too and that makes things even worse. People are looking for people with sound bodies and sounder minds. Most don't look any deeper than that and for that I am sorry.

I will be around 60 before I am mentally fit enough to start looking for a husband. By then, the playing field will have levelled out. My husband will likely be sicker than I am and I will be taking care OF HIM...not the other way around. I don't wish sickness on anyone, but I want to be able to take care of someone instead of them taking care of me. It would be most refreshing if I had the power to do that. I'm probably not prepared for the mental stresses of it, but at least I'm concerned about what my anger and depression will do to another, concerned enough to try and treat it against all odds. My father didn't care who his anger hit.

I care enough not to bring any children into the world until I am good and ready to give them the home that these miracles deserve. (That may mean never.)

I care enough about my rage to the point where I am suppressing most of it and keeping it inside. People still get hit by it, like my attendant friend for example. I'm not marrying a husband and making him so miserable that he'll leave me. I can't live with biting my tongue all the time.

I'm just sorry I can't keep my mouth shut on here about my problems and I'm sorry I can't keep my mouth shut around Doug. I worry about that too and I am a good person to be with, at least I was at one point.

I remember what my father's rage did to me and I remember my mother's sarcastic songs. I inherited the worst of both and any mate is going to be sorry they ever heard of my name, as will any child.The cycle ends here.

That's why no one will ever love me, I won't let them get that close.

When you're young and alone that sucks. When you're old and alone, it's unbearable, because who are you going to find at that age?

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[SeptemberMorn]

Dave, the way I see it, you got that 401k for a rainy day. So... it's a rainy day, already!




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>