[Jerricchoo]

I don’t know how to start it so here’s all I can say right now

I’m 15 years old, going on 16 in a month (I apologize if I’m not of legal age to have an account, I’m just sort of drifting right now so no time really read), and I feel, put bluntly, pathetic to even be admitting to myself that this may be a problem of mine.

I’d guess that it would have stemmed from my moving houses/cities a lot. I’ve never really been a social butterfly, but I at least at friends before… I used to live in a place called Kelowna BC in a small trailer than I can’t really say I loved, but I did enjoy it, and I had friends. I moved to Vancouver when I was in 4th grade and I didn’t immediately make friends. I did have quite a few friends, but they were merely buddies. No one I’d ask to hangout with after school, and evidently, they seemed to think the same of me, because I was never really invited anywhere. In 5th grade, was in a 4/5 split class when this 4th grade named… let’s called him Gary was sat next to me. This kid was annoying as hell, and while I’m not sure of all the details, I can fuzzily recall him drawing dinosaur pictures and giving them to me during class and that somehow ended up in us being friends. Fast forward to 7th grade, I’d become the leader of the troop I guess. I was kind of the leader of all grades 5-7 (if you’re wondering, the grades went from K-7 to 8-12 in that district), and man I never knew what I had until I’ve started recently looking back on it… I would organize games for everyone to play, and I made sure everyone played fair and fun, but I had a temper that I hoped no one feared me for, but it had led me into trouble a few times. For example, a fat kid took our kickball and I got mad, charged him, and ended up breaking his arm. I’d guess I was about 70 pounds at the time and he was maybe 120ish, but I guess the power break felt good because I was actually proud of the “justice” I’d done. Anyways, after elementary school, I went to high school, and Gary was still my best friend, but if you’ve been keeping up, he was a grade behind, so I was kind of alone in the high school I went to, since most of the kids that I led went to more local high schools, while I chose the more prestigious high school. I ended up making friends though, and my fondest memory (I’m not proud of it) was me and this particularly dumb kid who I’ll called Kip would tease the autistic girl next to us. I’m not sure what exactly her condition was, but she was a good sport about it, and I don’t believe (or want to believe) she resented us. Anyways, my older brother by now who I haven’t mentioned yet was a weed addict, and he brought home a kid who I’ll call Jack who was about my age. We said hello and things, and I’m not sure how, but we ended up becoming the best friends you’d ever see. We’d do almost everything together, from going to 7-11 for a couple coffees at 4am to stealing all the voting signs and piling them in my backyard. I should mention now that my grades were about 80s all around, so my life was pretty great at this point.

That was until we had to move… Jack wasn’t very happy, since we lived right next to each other and he practically lived at my house because we were so close, and I was pretty sad, although as far as I can recall the last time I’ve ever really cried is when I was about 9, and since then it’s kind of just been montone for me, which I know isn’t healthy, but it’s how I want to be.

Moving on, we moved due to money issues since we couldn’t afford to live there anymore. We moved to Alberta from BC and it was awful from the start for me. I knew absolutely no-one, and where we’d moved, all the kids had grown up with each other there, and suddenly, I was scared to make friends. I can’t tell you exactly why, but I’d just been threatened by all their close bonds that I ended up just not talking to anyone at all and disregarding anyone’s attempts to befriend me, which I can’t regret enough to this day… it slowly evolved into me skipping classes, then skipping school altogether to play online where I felt happy, because I’d already been close friends with Jack and our online friends, so I’d hang out with my online friends until Jack got back home. Anyways, guilt got the best of me and I confessed to my mom that I’d missed the last 2-6 months of classes (it was on and off but mostly skipped). She was surprisingly kind to me, because she was usually stern towards me I guess… We talked about it and somehow it ended up being concluded that I should take the fast route through high school, as it was evident that social anxiety was a non-avoidable issue, so my mom wanted to get me through it ASAP. I should note that around this time I’d started developing a British/Australian accent based on my emotion (British = Excited Australian = Angry and sometimes a Russian accent which I can’t explain). Anyways, I was put in a class that was work at your own pace, where you were handed the work to do at your own speed. From the very beginning I slacked, I read Creepypastas or just listened to music and stared at the screen I was supposed to work at. The year ended and I wasn’t pressured to pass, since I’d only been in there for a month or so since I started skipping at the start of Term 2 and confessed at the end of May, so it wasn’t really surprising I didn’t do much, but I did enough to pass a course that was one of the initial classes I’d skipped, and thus failed.

During the summer I had an appointment with a doctor of sorts, who diagnosed me with Aspergers. I never asked whether this was an adopted illness or if it was always there, but either way it was there, and I didn’t think much of it at first. I didn’t really understand why everyone thought it was such a big deal until I saw my mom talking to my aunt and they were both crying about it that I decided to do my own research, and suddenly a world of answers flooded into me if that makes sense. I’d suddenly understood my odd behaviour, my lack of will to socialize, my fear of entering friend groups, and my addiction to online gaming/communication.

With that in mind, I decided I wanted to force myself back into the “normal stream” and I insisted that I enter normal classes again, and that’s where I am now. I have no friends still, I rarely talk or even make eye contact with others, and the final domino being tipped is that I skipped class today. I vowed to myself that I would change for myself, but I can’t help it. It’s scary to me, I can’t understand why but the tremendous fear I feel when I’m in class knowing that I’m alone and hearing others mingle around me while they work and listening to each of their daily lives…

Meanwhile, I go home and watch fantasy anime all day. I seldom play videogames anymore, I’m either watching fantasy anime or fantasizing about being someone, or something else. Something other than me, or even a special version of me. I’ve found myself doing this in class and it’s led to my grades falling, and lack of focus, and even when I do manage to focus, I’m so miserable doing the work that I can’t even bring myself to do the work at all.

I’ve already had aspirations in life, I want to make a difference in the world, invent the next amazing invention, become a translator/linguistic, chef, traveller, karate expert, all of these are things I enjoy and can apply myself to, but instead I’m stuck daydreaming or fantasizing about being special in a normal world, having superpowers or special skills, and that’s where I’m stuck.

Some final notes…. I have a therapy cat named Diamond that I’ve had all my life, and I feel she is all I live for anymore. She’s the only thing that really makes me smile when I hug, or make me feel better when I’m near tears. I’ve also fallen in love with music, specifically post-rock (Sleeping Giants by Michael Ghelfi). Anime is my outlet, I can get lost in a world I want to live in there, I can imagine myself being someone else there, I can dream easier when I’m there....

So my final statement: I feel I already know what I want in my life, and I can’t apply myself to the things I know I need to do to achieve my aspirations, and the things I found once enjoyable are now dull and boring because alone they’re just an ingredient, and nobody wants to eat raw flour after all…

[Skeezyks]

Hello jerricchoo: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & some support. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Dear Jerricchoo,
I have a niece who has was diagnosed with Aspergers at a very young age (in high school now). I love her. She is kind and enthusiastic, can occasionally get angry, but I find the anger refreshing. She is just expressing her feelings and it stems either from a misunderstanding or something quite valid. The anger is infrequent and she is quick to forgive. When it comes to academic and technical talent she is brilliant. My father and her parents sometimes consult her when they have issues with their iphones and ipads. Like you, she is a gifted writer. I think your posting told your story in a very detailed way. I have the impression that people who have Aspergers can achieve their aspirations when they have some additional support such as a therapist who has experience and training in the area. The one thing that seems rough is that you no longer live in a big city so their may not be any therapists (counselors?/groups?) who are familiar with how to help you best. I think that if you can get moving in the right direction, things might improve for you. I hope you can start working toward your goals soon. Sincerely, Myst

[unhappydaze]

I'm 53 years old so, take what I say for what it's worth. (Though I did struggle with depression at your age, and experienced some of the things you describe, and have vivid memories.) A couple things you wrote jumped out at me:

Originally Posted by Jerricchoo

During the summer I had an appointment with a doctor of sorts, who diagnosed me with Aspergers. I never asked whether this was an adopted illness or if it was always there, but either way it was there, and I didn’t think much of it at first. I didn’t really understand why everyone thought it was such a big deal until I saw my mom talking to my aunt and they were both crying about it that I decided to do my own research, and suddenly a world of answers flooded into me if that makes sense. I’d suddenly understood my odd behaviour, my lack of will to socialize, my fear of entering friend groups, and my addiction to online gaming/communication.

Yeah. My son is on the autism spectrum, and I have some Aspergerish tendencies myself. So while I don't know what it's like to be you, I can relate. And here's the thing, a thing it took me decades to figure out: It's okay. Being on the spectrum isn't necessarily a big deal. In some respects and in certain professions it actually confers an advantage. It's okay, I promise you. Your mom and aunt and everybody else will adjust. It might take them some time - try to be patient with them - but they will come around. (Your mom, for sure. If she hasn't already.)

Just remember this: It's for others to adjust to you. You are who you are and you have your own strengths and weaknesses just like everybody else. You read that right: It is the world's job to adjust to you, not vice versa. I'm dead serious. You, my son, me, everybody - we're all on the continuum of human-ness. The concept of normalcy is an illusion, a meaningless definition.

Originally Posted by Jerricchoo

I can’t understand why but the tremendous fear I feel when I’m in class knowing that I’m alone and hearing others mingle around me while they work and listening to each of their daily lives…

As I said, I'm 53, and you know what? I still feel that way in social settings, at work or any other sort of gathering. There are fleeting moments of pleasure while conversing with someone but mostly I just want to do what I'm supposed to do and get the hell out of there.

Originally Posted by Jerricchoo

I’ve already had aspirations in life, I want to make a difference in the world, invent the next amazing invention, become a translator/linguistic, chef, traveller, karate expert, all of these are things I enjoy and can apply myself to, but instead I’m stuck daydreaming or fantasizing about being special in a normal world, having superpowers or special skills, and that’s where I’m stuck.

I'm guessing you're going to roll your eyes at what I say next because you've heard it a hundred times, but I'll say it anyway: You can make a difference in the world. You might indeed come up with a major invention or innovation. You might do any or all the other things you mentioned. The fact that you're spinning your wheels at the moment means nothing. As I said, it's the world's job to accommodate you, not vice versa. Now admittedly, the world is slow to do this for people like you and my son, and in many ways still inadequate, but even so, things tend to work out if you keep plugging away. There are community colleges and universities that recognize the value of y'all and will give you a fair shot. There are many employers who will do the same.

If you doubt what I say - that your neurological wiring gives you a unique way of looking at the world that may in fact enable you to see things others can't - then I invite you to read Thinking In Pictures by Temple Grandin. (There are also eight bazillion Youtubes about that book, and about her generally.)

Originally Posted by Jerricchoo

So my final statement: I feel I already know what I want in my life, and I can’t apply myself to the things I know I need to do to achieve my aspirations, and the things I found once enjoyable are now dull and boring because alone they’re just an ingredient, and nobody wants to eat raw flour after all…

Hold onto that. It's half the battle. Three-fourths, maybe. I know it's hard when you're 16 but try to take the longer view. If you feel a sense of purpose, all the stuff you have to put up with in between is just noise, temporary obstacles. If it takes you a year or five longer to get there than what the so-called "normal" progression is, who the hell cares? I can guarantee society won't.