[Eliza_x]

I am a 21 year old female. I’m in my last year at university. During the first two years at university I was taking antidepressants (citalopram and sertraline) and beta blockers (propranolol) for social anxiety. I was also smoking a lot of weed. I took a year off so I’ve been at home since March, in March I also weened myself off all medication. I’ve had the best summer with people I love and for the first time my anxiety felt almost at bay. Before I left for my final year which I started a week ago I was so motivated and so excited about the idea of working hard and putting my all into it. I have some problems though.


I can’t sleep at night, I get 6 hours sleep if that. I feel really tired during the day and my eyes feel super heavy. As soon as I wake up I am bombarded with negative thoughts that pop into my head, for example I have a tattoo that I regret and every morning without fail I will think that it has ruined my life and body image. I will picture myself sat there at uni feeling solemn and numb. During seminars/lectures, I am constantly paranoid about the next time the teacher looks at me in case I wince, I feel that people look at me in embarrassment.


When I laugh I feel anxious about stopping laughing because I have to adjust my face muscles. When the lecturer says something that has anything to do with me but isn’t directed at me for example asking if anyone likes pizza my body will go in this state for a split second where I almost vibrate. It’s weird. Sometimes my head will actually twitch too so I have to put my head on my arm to prevent it. I can’t follow the lecture like a normal person, I can’t concentrate or if the teacher says something like ‘let’s do this guys’ I can’t give the natural response of having a motivated face because I will be worried about how that face actually looks.


I understand it sounds like I am socially anxious which in the most part I am, but there is this feeling internally which feels like my full body and brain is just numb, I can’t move my body smoothly and my mind is constantly wired. I don’t know if it makes sense to anyone but instead of been a part of that lecture my mind and body would be happier if I just stared at the wall in front of me and didn’t move my eyes. No matter how much I try and break from it, no matter how much I want to be motivated and try my absolute best, I can’t, because of this stupid black cloud over me.


When I’m walking down the street I feel like I come across as this insane person. When I’m running I swear people looking at me because I see their expression of confusion. I find it weird that people are able to just sit there on the bus normally or walk down the street without looking weird, where do you look when you’re walking past someone? What are you meant to do at traffic lights when you’re waiting without the distraction on your phone? Anything that requires short term patience makes me extremely anxious.

I can’t have social interaction because I can’t make them flow normally, I can’t make eye contact for more than a few seconds, I can’t say anything with confidence, I just feel like a little puppet, I am always aware of the person looking at me and my facial expressions they can see. I have those thoughts in my head, I know the way I want to act, but I can’t. I want friends down here so desperately, I pine for a hug and someone to talk too especially been apart from loved ones at home. I see groups of friends together laughing and I want that so much but I can never form bonds with people because of this. I cry every day, If I can’t cry I just get this horrible wince of sadness. It feels like a deep pit of sadness in my stomach.


Believe it or not, in many ways I am a normal person, I eat well and I have started exercising, I have interests and future goals. The worst thing is, I know I have that go and that strength inside me and its raging to get out, I don’t want to come across as this person who doesn’t make the most of their life because I want too and I am trying my best too, but I just can’t break free of all of these feelings. I’m scared this is just how I am as a person and this is how I’m going to be forever.

That would scare me too. Are you consulting a doctor? You mentioned that you weened yourself off antidepressants. Are you still smoking weed? I only ask because weed can cause paranoid thoughts and some of the scary things you describe sound like paranoid thoughts. Hope you feel better.

[Yzen]

The last year at university is a time of transition and the future is uncertain but also open with possibilities for you. I'm not sure there is a "normal" person. Some people conform to social expectations better. It is ok to be you. You are a treasure! People will discover that! Your mind might be protecting you from being judged, so socially there is awkwardness. I am just talking from my experience. I have had to learn to accept my uniqueness.

[Unrigged64072835]

It probably wouldn't hurt to go to a counseling center if your uni had one. They can work with you to help you feel more comfortable.

[Fuzzybear]