Don't know what to do anymore

I am at a loss lately. I haven't been this depressed in a long time. I'm not happy with anything nor anyone. When I can sleep I can't get out of bed. When I wake up I force myself back to sleep. The other day I slept over 17 hours then was up for 4 before I went back to sleep. Then there are times where I wont sleep for a 48 hour or so window and do nothing but cry. When awake I can only think about how much better my family would be if I wasn't here anymore but when I sleep I have the worst nightmares. I can't take this much more. I will go out once a week (meaning out of my home) and wont want to wake up the next day because I'm sure I upset someone or know they were talking about me. There is so much more going on with me but these are the main things. Anyone have any suggestions? I don't want to be like this anymore. And no I don't have insurance so I can't see anyone medically. I have been diagnosed with depression and PTSD.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling this bad I wish I could help you..

I hope you're seeing a professional for this.

Maybe you can find someone that does sliding scale? You do need to get help.

When you experience nightmares, flashbacks etc., an often symptom that follows is mild to severe dissociation. This can also be a symptom during the process. You need a grounding technique. I do two things: I cross my forearms over each other and tap my legs or shoulders, which ever. While I'm doing this, I count the colors in a room, then I count all of the noises and after (if I need to) I feel different textures around the room with my hands. All of these grounding techniques remind you that you're safe and that you're nightmare and/or flashback was simply a memory. The better you get at grounding yourself the easier it becomes to tell yourself you're safe during a flashback. Get in the frame of mind that if you upset someone, who cares they'll get over it. Don't get too carried away with that, you don't want to intentionally hurt people and tell yourself it's their problem. Just convince yourself that you can't please everyone and if they don't like something you did, or they just don't like you, you can't change that and them being adults means they can get over themselves and either leave or talk like an adult to you about it.
If you can't afford professional help, then go to natural remedies. Exercise, eat foods that have natural stimuli to counter nightmares. Keep a journal, private or on here, doesn't matter. It helps you get things out in a constructive way. Find an accomplish-able project to do around the house and do it. Force yourself to do it. Set alarms and force yourself to get up and stay up. When you can't sleep you can eat bread, drink cherry juice (both of which contain natural melatonin) or take a melatonin tablet. If anything the melatonin will allow you to relax, even if you don't sleep, but don't take the tablets too many weeks consecutively as it can worsen depression.
These are things I've learned to do. I'm also diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety and a bunch of other issues. With a lot of work and effort it can become manageable.

For what it's worth, I (and I'm sure, many here) struggle with the same feeling on a regular basis. Intellectually I know it's an illusion - I know that nothing I could ever endure could compare to the suffering my family would endure for decades were I to intentionally leave this world.

So the way I rationalize it is, in the worst case if I end up curled up in a corner in some hospital somewhere stoned out of my gourd for the rest of my days, it still would be nothing compared to the total suffering that would others would have to endure if I were to exit by my own hand.

That's what I tell myself, anyway. It's worked so far but I honestly can't guarantee it always will. But of course life itself entails risk; there are no guarantees; we could slip and fall in the shower tomorrow and break our necks or something.

I'm guessing you've heard this before, but I'll say it anyway: If worse comes to worst, walk into an ER and tell them you're in a crisis. If you don't quite feel you're in danger of hurting yourself, call some local therapist and ask for a recommendation as to where to go and whom to talk to. S/he likely will know what state or local resources are available - and rest assured s/he will be more than happy to talk to you and try to point you in the right direction if possible without regard to your ability to pay. They do what they do because they genuinely care about people like us; lord knows they ain't in it for the money.