Sept. 29th 2016, the anniversary of my sisters murder, 20 years ago. Her husband got mad at her one night about having a kid and he killed her. She grew up in the same abusive household, got her *** beat right along with me, equally by our so called father and mother. My mother wonders to this day, why I hate her!!!! Guess she figured she did no wrong! My father, I would have beat the **** out of him, if I had the chance. He took off for Florida and left my mom, when I told him I was going to k9ill him for all the abuse. So, my sister was the ONLY person in this world I could talk to. She knew what it was all about. I have tried to talk to people on here but it has been a total joke. There is only one person, that has kept in contact with me and she knows who she is. Thank you!! I will not mention your name. I do consider you a friend! About the only one I have. So, I have a heart as black as stone, do not believe in heaven or hell or any other spiritual stuff. If there was such a person, why was my sister murdered? Why was I raised by asshole parents who got their jollies seeing how large of lumps or bruises on you? Why did my oldest daughter have 2 miscarriages? Why am I a prisoner in my own home, trapped in my bed. My only joy in life, besides my wife, 3 kids and grandkids are my 5 Beagles and what I used to do everyday if I could. Photography. That has been taken away from me. My one true passion, gone. I can`t say if this will be my last post or not but to be in the same position I was almost 2 years ago, with no one to talk to, or they stick around for a message or two, whats the use???? I give up, I am tired of all the pain all the drugs and all my doctors care about is money, except for one special one. She truly cares. I know she does not like my A1c level being almost 14 but I don`t care and she knows that. She keeps trying to get me to have an MRI on my brain, she thinks I suffered a stroke or at least a traumatic head injury because everytime I fall, when I try to get out of bed, because I don`t listen, I hit my head on the wall and floor everytime. I have had over 20 MRI`s, CT, and Hida, scans along with more xrays in 4 years. I don`t want another MRI. I am at the point, the noise of them drives me crazy! But back to the original reason of this post, my sister, my best friend, I have been lost for 20 years because of that son of a *****. How many years did he do in prison, you ask???? 10!! If I ever get my hands on him, he is as the Germans say Todt! If anybody decides to read this, good luck figuring it out. I don`t even know what I write most of the time. But, the biggest thing I am ashamed of, I have never been to her grave, since the funeral. I was a pall bearer of course but I have never been back. Does this make me a terrible person? I never shed a tear. Does this also make me a terribl person?? I am done, you get the point. I am just glad I raised my kids a lot different. I worked a lot of 7 day weeks 12 hours a day and 16 hours a day, so I knew they would never have to go without. I mad damn sure I was a good father and not some drunk piece of ****, like I had!

[DechanDawa]

Sending you personal message in reply.

[povertyvalley]

Sorry for your loss but ive also lost all more than once.I read daily but seldom post. My story is similer to yours. Sometimes the hurt never leaves but the one thing ive been shown is that eventualy it all comes around if you are a "people".

[Yoda]

I am so sorry. Sorry that your parents abused you, sorry you lost your sister, sorry that people don't understand. I don't believe in a god either. It was more than twenty years before I went to my step-dad's grave (he treated me better than my bio-dad).

I don't think you are a bad person. You have a mix of emotions and today on the anniversary of tragedy you are grieving.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by igiveupinohio

I am just glad I raised my kids a lot different.

A victory. No reward for you, but that's a victory.

((((((hugs))))))

I'm sorry. Can't even imagine it. You are NOT a terrible person.

[MickeyCheeky]

It's amazing that, despite everything you've been through, you've still managed to be an amazing father and husband... tell me, how many people would have been able to do that? I couldn't. And I'm sure a lot of people couldn't do that as well Maybe you're not so worthless after all, right?

Horrible person? Everyone reacts to the death of others in different ways... you didn't cry, but your sadness and love for your sister is very clear from this post you wrote.

I support you and I hope everything will turn out fine for you.. that you will be able to find happiness.

[Deejay14]

So sorry that all that has happened. Shameful!You are not a terrible person. NEver stopped grieving for her. What are you going to do today to try and make yourself feel better. Maybe there is some stay to honor your sister.

[MtnTime2896]

You're not a bad person. I'm sorry that no one has been able to help you, either. One issue I've always had is how many people just end up leaving and/or letting me down. I don't have that issue on this site but have in many other parts of my life. I'm glad you still have that one friend, though. That's something along with being a good dad. I'm sorry about your sister. I'll be thinking about you.

[DechanDawa]

Forums seems to be fluid communities where folks come and go.

Now, WHERE are all you HOLY ROLLERS that chastised me for not believing there is a so called higher being that you all worship????? Getting your husbands out of the bars and porn shops because they can`t stand to be around you and your preaching???? Keep your f`n opinions to your self. I don`t believe period! I am only talking to a certain few of you that posted on my other post. Hope you feel as about as big as an ant after reading why I am filled with nothing but hatred. Not all of us are fortunate to grow up in the perfect home, with the perfect mommy and daddy. I didn`t. But, I made damn sure my kids would never know that life, so in my opinion, it makes me a better person than you. I don`t go around trying to make people hate your superior being. I keep my comments to myself but not this time! Enjoy your fantasy worlds. I will be living in reality!