[starryprince]

Hey all, I hope everyone is alright.

I've been in a decent amount of emotional pain lately, yet I feel numb at the same time. I do see a therapist and a psychiatrist. The antidepressants I were on didn't work (Trintellix), nor did the ones before that (Prozac). The only antidepressant I was on that helped me mentally gave me seizures (Wellbutrin).

I'm feeling very sad and hopeless. I'm wondering if things will ever change.

I'm also starting to have intrusive thoughts that don't seem to be my own, thoughts telling me I'm a loser and, recently, to set myself on fire. I'm not going to act on it but it has me bothered because that's the first time I had one of those thoughts towards myself that wasn't an insult but an action.

It's hard for me to feel happy or joyful. I don't feel much at all and it's driving me up a wall.

There are a lot of things I want to say but I don't know how to articulate my thoughts.

I'm just very tired and sad and waiting for a sign from the Universe that it hasn't forgotten me. People tell me that it hasn't and I'd like to believe them, but I'll wait and see.

My mom is also going through a hard time which really makes me feel even worse because I love her to death.

I know that time heals pain but my main priority is what can I do now to heal the pain?

Thanks to anyone who has read this. I'm very grateful.

[MobiusPsyche]

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. I would tell my psychiatrist about the intrusive thoughts if it were me.

The universe has not forgotten you. The people on this forum can see you and wish you help and healing.

[LucyG]

I'm very sorry you're going through this, and I hope things improve shortly.

With the thoughts of self-harm, I wonder if it's a side-effect of a med you're on. The reason I say this is because psych meds have side-effects such as suicide ideation and the like but doctors never think to mention it. I was on klonopin for years, went off it and then went back on it for a sleep disorder. Within 3 days I was sobbing uncontrollably and actually starting to seriously consider how to kill myself. I googled it, and sure enough, klonopin has suicide ideation as a side-effect! I stopped taking it immediately, and within 3 days, felt fine. Check your meds for self-harm type side-effects--google the name of the med, the term 'side-effects, self-harm' and see if anything comes up.

A lot of depression, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness is due to our brains not producing enough of the neurotransmitters that keep us feeling happy and alive. I personally believe this is due to some genetic issue as depression, bipolar and anxiety disorders often run in families. The good news is that you can take supplements in the form of amino acids that the body uses to produce the neurotransmitters. The problem with meds is that they don't enable the body to do that, they just keep what you have from being reabsorbed hence the name selective serotonin and/or norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. I compare it to the stale air in a plane after flying across country.

I've been using this to control my bipolar 2 for over 9 years, and its amazing how much better I feel than when I was on meds. I too felt like life was hopeless, there was nothing to look forward to, etc., etc. Now my mood is good and life is no longer hopeless and I honestly believe it's because my brain is functioning the way it should be as it as the nutrients needed to function properly.

Here are some resources on the subject:

This is a brain function questionnaire showing the emotions/feelings, related neurotransmitters and what amino acid does what.

http://drjolee.com/Brain-Function-Questionnaire.pdf

These are some articles about amino acid therapy for depression:

Amino Acid Therapy for Depression and Anxiety

Treating Depression Naturally Is Possible ? Clean's The New Black

[with or without you]

Sorry you're in such pain. I'm in a bit of the same state. I'm not having self-harming thoughts (although I always wish I wasn't born.)

I don't like the person I'm becoming in this, my most recent episode. The last time I was this bad was about 4 years ago but I was a lot more open about it and kinder with people during that one. This one has turned me into a bit of a monster and I've grown indifferent to engaging with others. The depression makes me have overblown reactions to people, and I ended a 20 year friendship because my friend was extremely rude to me after I gave her a birthday gift and she had no idea she came across that way. (There's more to it than that...there is some history, but this was the last straw, so to speak.) I've also had outbursts with a few others. I'm really ashamed of myself but I can't stop being so hypersensitive. I know not everyone is going to be nice all of the time.

I've also started avoiding everything big time out of fear of having an anxiety attack or crying spell. Just this evening I was a no-show at physical therapy (for sudden back pain due to having depressed lie-ins on a bad mattress for the last 6 months, ha) because I just had a complete wave of sadness wash over me and I didn't want to make a scene. Working is quite difficult and I discovered this afternoon that I made a big mistake last week (related to my department's protocol on file saving, too complicated to go into) that nobody happened to catch...everything is fine, but if it was I would have been in big trouble. Maybe that's why I skipped PT later.

It sucks when this stuff happens even when you and I are both under treatment. We are in the minority, because the majority of the population who have a mental health issue never seek professional help. We do, and we still struggle. It just doesn't seem fair, does it. I remember reminding an ex-psychiatrist [after he raised his voice in audible frustration which made me feel like my failure to get better was my fault] that I was the one who initiated a request for help, I was the one who made the phone call and had to miss time off work to come to these appointments, and that I could just sit home and drink to self-medicate instead...but that I was still trying.

Please seriously consider telling your psychiatrist about the self-harming thoughts, though. But I know none of us likes to open up that can of worms out of fear we'll be sent to the hospital or put on more rigid supervision, etc.

[Fuzzybear]

[dexter]

Starryprince I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier.

The universe hasn't forgotten you; we haven't forgotten you and we are the universe.

I have had some strange (for me) action thoughts. They can be disturbing. When they don't disturb me thats when I start to worry.

[starryprince]

I'm SO sorry it took me forever to reply to all of you. It's been a rough couple of weeks, mentally and physically, especially with the semester winding down.

Originally Posted by MobiusPsyche

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. I would tell my psychiatrist about the intrusive thoughts if it were me.

The universe has not forgotten you. The people on this forum can see you and wish you help and healing.

I really should tell my psychiatrist about the intrusive thoughts. I had another intrusive thought this morning. They just seem to pop in at the weirdest times. Thank you for telling me that the Universe hasn't forgotten me. I really needed that.

Originally Posted by LucyG

I'm very sorry you're going through this, and I hope things improve shortly.

With the thoughts of self-harm, I wonder if it's a side-effect of a med you're on. The reason I say this is because psych meds have side-effects such as suicide ideation and the like but doctors never think to mention it. I was on klonopin for years, went off it and then went back on it for a sleep disorder. Within 3 days I was sobbing uncontrollably and actually starting to seriously consider how to kill myself. I googled it, and sure enough, klonopin has suicide ideation as a side-effect! I stopped taking it immediately, and within 3 days, felt fine. Check your meds for self-harm type side-effects--google the name of the med, the term 'side-effects, self-harm' and see if anything comes up.

A lot of depression, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness is due to our brains not producing enough of the neurotransmitters that keep us feeling happy and alive. I personally believe this is due to some genetic issue as depression, bipolar and anxiety disorders often run in families. The good news is that you can take supplements in the form of amino acids that the body uses to produce the neurotransmitters. The problem with meds is that they don't enable the body to do that, they just keep what you have from being reabsorbed hence the name selective serotonin and/or norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. I compare it to the stale air in a plane after flying across country.

I've been using this to control my bipolar 2 for over 9 years, and its amazing how much better I feel than when I was on meds. I too felt like life was hopeless, there was nothing to look forward to, etc., etc. Now my mood is good and life is no longer hopeless and I honestly believe it's because my brain is functioning the way it should be as it as the nutrients needed to function properly.

Here are some resources on the subject:

This is a brain function questionnaire showing the emotions/feelings, related neurotransmitters and what amino acid does what.

http://drjolee.com/Brain-Function-Questionnaire.pdf

These are some articles about amino acid therapy for depression:

Amino Acid Therapy for Depression and Anxiety

Treating Depression Naturally Is Possible ? Clean's The New Black

It's so funny because I was also prescribed Klonopin but to help me sleep. I started taking it about a month ago. I don't take it everyday but more like a couple of times a week. I actually quit taking my antidepressants cold turkey (which I know you're not supposed to do, but I couldn't stand the side effects anymore and my psychiatrist is all booked up so I couldn't see him). I think that's what might have contributed to me feeling so depressed. I'm currently taking herbal supplements and I think they're slowly starting to work. My mom says she has noticed a difference in me.

Thanks so much for the links! They were very helpful! I answered the questionnaire and found that I am lacking in a lot of things, such as GABA and things like that. I'm not that much into biology/biochemistry so I wouldn't have thought to research it. Thanks a lot for bringing it to my attention.

I do believe certain things are genetics, as you said. I'm not sure if depression runs in my family, but I think mental illness runs in my family on my father's side (I don't know my father, though, I can't remember him because he left my mom and I when I was about 1.5 years old). But my mom said he had a cousin who had to be put into psychiatric inpatient hospital, and that my father had suffered abuse from HIS father so who knows if he had depression as a result. I wish I could ask.

Thanks a lot for the encouraging words and information!

Originally Posted by with or without you

Sorry you're in such pain. I'm in a bit of the same state. I'm not having self-harming thoughts (although I always wish I wasn't born.)

I don't like the person I'm becoming in this, my most recent episode. The last time I was this bad was about 4 years ago but I was a lot more open about it and kinder with people during that one. This one has turned me into a bit of a monster and I've grown indifferent to engaging with others. The depression makes me have overblown reactions to people, and I ended a 20 year friendship because my friend was extremely rude to me after I gave her a birthday gift and she had no idea she came across that way. (There's more to it than that...there is some history, but this was the last straw, so to speak.) I've also had outbursts with a few others. I'm really ashamed of myself but I can't stop being so hypersensitive. I know not everyone is going to be nice all of the time.

I've also started avoiding everything big time out of fear of having an anxiety attack or crying spell. Just this evening I was a no-show at physical therapy (for sudden back pain due to having depressed lie-ins on a bad mattress for the last 6 months, ha) because I just had a complete wave of sadness wash over me and I didn't want to make a scene. Working is quite difficult and I discovered this afternoon that I made a big mistake last week (related to my department's protocol on file saving, too complicated to go into) that nobody happened to catch...everything is fine, but if it was I would have been in big trouble. Maybe that's why I skipped PT later.

It sucks when this stuff happens even when you and I are both under treatment. We are in the minority, because the majority of the population who have a mental health issue never seek professional help. We do, and we still struggle. It just doesn't seem fair, does it. I remember reminding an ex-psychiatrist [after he raised his voice in audible frustration which made me feel like my failure to get better was my fault] that I was the one who initiated a request for help, I was the one who made the phone call and had to miss time off work to come to these appointments, and that I could just sit home and drink to self-medicate instead...but that I was still trying.

Please seriously consider telling your psychiatrist about the self-harming thoughts, though. But I know none of us likes to open up that can of worms out of fear we'll be sent to the hospital or put on more rigid supervision, etc.

Thanks a lot for responding. I feel you on the avoiding activities thing. I usually go to my survivors group every Saturday but last week I skipped because I was afraid of crying during the group. Even though my group is a safe space to let your feelings out, I feel so ashamed when I cry. So I just stayed home and cried in private.

I agree. I'm super hesitant to open up about the intrusive thoughts because I don't want my psychiatrist to send me to a hospital or give me even MORE medication.

I hope you've been feeling better!

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Originally Posted by dexter

Starryprince I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier.

The universe hasn't forgotten you; we haven't forgotten you and we are the universe.

I have had some strange (for me) action thoughts. They can be disturbing. When they don't disturb me thats when I start to worry.

Hey Dexter! It's okay, don't worry about it! I know everyone is really busy and all. My thoughts have been strange too. It's worrying me because they're usually not this loud, if that makes sense. This is the first time it's been really loud and I can clearly hear them. I may talk about it with my therapist, but not my psychiatrist.

Thanks a lot for responding everyone! It means a lot! Again, I'm sorry it took me forever to respond to everyone. I'm not as depressed as I was when I posted it but I do feel that emotional pain still hanging around. It makes me wonder if I'll ever heal fully in this lifetime. >___< I'm hoping I will!