[RJ42]

I don't know about anyone else but, I have difficulty thinking of myself. I always help others, regardless the strain it puts on me. Not saying I'm perfect, merely very selfless.
I have difficulty thinking of myself because I feel dirty when I do. I am trying so hard to think of me but, I have a low self worth. My father made aware at a very young age, that I wasn't worth squat. We learn as children, a lot of the things we use in adult life.
I've sat and thought for a long time, how to put into words, how difficult it is to shake the low self worth. I think I've found a way to say it so others may understand myself and other people who have this problem:
Trying to unlearn being taught you're worthless as a child, is much like unlearning math that you learned in school.

[EriElla]

I often find myself doing the same thing. I think I do this because it takes my mind off the crushing weight of my depression for a moment. While I'm helping others I generally feel a little better. The problems occur when I start to neglect my own needs or people deplete me. I just suffered a bit of a breakdown because I wasn't focused on caring for my own needs for a while. Getting back to doing that now.

It is hard to take time out for yourself, but it is necessary in order to survive the day-to-day struggle with depression. Here's hoping you stop feeling as though you're unworthy of that self care because you most certainly are.

[MtnTime2896]

I'm going to be honest and say that I don't have low self-esteem or low self-worth. I honestly loath myself. Nearly everything about me, I hate. If I had the chance I would change how I look, how I think, my voice, how I talk, my personality; I'd change all of it without the blink of an eye. There's only one thing I wouldn't change: My ability to care for others above myself. There's no better feeling and it's truly my own redeeming quality. The fact that I can make my little brother laugh when he's having a bad day, it gives me the ability to smile. If only for a mere minute, I know there's one good thing I did.
That's how I live with myself. When I hurt someone, I have the exact opposite feeling and reaction (but that can be saved for another post). When I focus on myself, I don't see a person worth helping.....BUT, if I don't care for that person in the mirror (at least enough to keep them going and fighting); that person I stare at when brushing my teeth won't be able to help anyone ever again. My only redeeming quality would be gone. That's not something I'm ready to lose and so, I do the best I can to try and help me. Sometimes (like lately), I'm not doing a good job about it but I need to. Too many people count on me. I can't let them down like that.
I don't know if looking at it like that will help you or if it's the healthiest way to do so, but it could be worth a shot.

[RJ42]

Thank you both. Any insight helps. I feel much older than my 42 years. I'm never going to stop fighting, but I feel pretty dang tired.

[MickeyCheeky]

I completely understand what you guys mean I feel that way too Please, remember that helping others is important, yes... but YOU guys are important as well! Please, try to take care of yourself as much as you can. You're worth it.

[RJ42]

I'm not sure thinking of myself is going to be attainable. I can't shake the disgusted feeling I get when I do attempt something for myself. I've had 27 counselors in 25 years. I can't go to one now because I can't afford it. The Veterans Administration hospital has very poor counseling services. I've had one of them yell at me because I disagreed with something she said. Not a good way to keep me calm. I have PTSD also, so when someone shows anger towards me, I get pi**ed off instantly. The really hard part is not having anyone tangable to talk with or trust. Most of the time, I try to keep to myself. Bad part: people seem to be getting more rude, selfish, and cruel each day.

[JustJace2u]

I'm always thinking of others before myself.

Originally Posted by RJ42

I'm not sure thinking of myself is going to be attainable. I can't shake the disgusted feeling I get when I do attempt something for myself. I've had 27 counselors in 25 years. I can't go to one now because I can't afford it. The Veterans Administration hospital has very poor counseling services. I've had one of them yell at me because I disagreed with something she said. Not a good way to keep me calm. I have PTSD also, so when someone shows anger towards me, I get pi**ed off instantly. The really hard part is not having anyone tangable to talk with or trust. Most of the time, I try to keep to myself. Bad part: people seem to be getting more rude, selfish, and cruel each day.

It is hard. Everyone has a breaking point and you have gone through so much. We all get angry. That's why it makes me so sad that your father made you hate yourself. The key to healing is being able to accept and forgive yourself. From my reading on PC, self-acceptance and forgiveness is doubly tough for people who had trauma when they were a child. Keep trying. It's OK when you fail. Sometimes when we are mentally ill, we feel "sad" that we are different from everyone else and sort of off/weird. (I sometimes feel this way when I am in a group.) Well, many people at PC can relate. I am sorry you have so little support. I think only keeping to yourself may not help. Keep posting here. You can private message me anytime. I have made some friends on PC that have helped me. Maybe you can too. And I love hearing about people's service. I read a lot of fiction and nonfiction books about war and tactics. (despite the triggers, ie stories of death) I just find it all quite interesting. I really do. And, for sure, you are not selfish. Selfish people do not volunteer to serve (for the most part). You are merely getting caught up in your negative thinking. It is what we all do when we are depressed. Be kind to yourself!

[RJ42]

Ty Mysterious.