[clayden]

From the title you might expect hearing some bad news happens him, but no, he is now actually became a success Head Chef in high-end restaurant! And the title probably should says "look at me now", i'm nothing, i'm still a staff, i'm having difficults developing my career because of my personality / mental disorder. I'm not surprise if i often hear depressed people says "life isn't fair". I think he is 'evil' for what he did to me 20 years ago but he can now lived happy with his wife & daughter, have a dream job with big salary, while i'm still the guy who just sits and doing nothing with my life. Cant believe i even sits here right now in front of my laptop at my office started a topic about him.

Just curious, anybody else find yourself in this kind of situation? How do you feel about it? I feel angry having a flashback of bad memories 20 years ago when i dont even have the guts to go out of class during lunch time because i'm too afraid they will find me and bully me again and after school's over i'll be the first person to ran out of class immediately to my mom's car and go straight home, what a loser i am, thoughts of revenge is killing me because it's impossible.

I tried to be strong for a few years now, i really do, but i gotta be honest i'm having a breakdown this year. I'm back searching for help, and i landed here (again) in this forum after 7 years.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Some people would read this and go "Well, life isn't fair, suck it up", or blame you somehow. For a moment, I felt inclined to say the first, minus the suck-it-up. I mean, what else is there as an explanation.

I don't have any similar experience, but for whatever reason, I feel for you. The anger, the impotent frustration - especially if you were wronged by this person.

You say you have vengeful thoughts - maybe try to convert those into motivation to wor harder on recovery, or to find something you're just as passionate about? I'm not saying that's easy - gods know, I sit here in my room seething with envy of just about everyone with zero motivation of my own - but it could be a possibility.

[Fuzzybear]

he ... "Became a success" - maybe.. In the perception of the "thoughtless masses" who don't question much in life.

"Bullies" do sometimes become a "success" in the perception of the standard norms of society, but personally I'd rather not be amongst them...

I wish you healing and that you find a passion... Something to "sublimate" some of the anger

[*Laurie*]

Yes, I do understand how you feel. I attend my high school reunions (I'm 53), and it seems that every kid who bullied me and made my life hard has become a success in life. It's rather strange. I have decided to just live with it, not spend my life envying and angry.

[Fuzzybear]

I still don't accept the standard definitions of "success in life"

I have never attended any reunions, I have no wish to..

But I don't define self or others in those terms, success or failure, IMO life isn't so black and white

[TishaBuv]

From the TV shows I've seen about what goes on in restaurant kitchens, it seems that for someone to thrive in there, they'd have to be an abusive bully.

I'm sorry you were bullied. I was too. We never really get over it, do we?

Just try to be YOUR best.

[Fuzzybear]

Just try to be YOUR best - excellent advice

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I still don't accept the standard definitions of "success in life"

I have never attended any reunions, I have no wish to..

But I don't define self or others in those terms, success or failure, IMO life isn't so black and white

Well, by 'success' I mean the person is in a loving marriage, has children and grandchildren (is close to family), is financially comfortable, and so on.

Believe me, I count my blessings. I have wonderful children. I make it through life. But, there are a few things...financial security...a car that doesn't break down all the time...

[Artchic528]

I think you're spending too much time dwelling on the past and other people. You should focus on the here and now, and getting yourself better. Besides, still feeling hurt and upset over what a bully did to you 20 years ago is giving them power and letting them win. Don't let that bully upset you anymore, you're so much better than that.

[passionfruit3]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

I think you're spending too much time dwelling on the past and other people. You should focus on the here and now, and getting yourself better. Besides, still feeling hurt and upset over what a bully did to you 20 years ago is giving them power and letting them win. Don't let that bully upset you anymore, you're so much better than that.

Do you not get the guy was traumatized?and your saying cheer up like he didn't completely ruin his life wow

[Angelique67]

I had a lot of kids bully me in school. The worst female one now has a dream life of stunning success. And I'm a mental patient unable to get out of my apartment.

[Fuzzybear]

[Rainstoppedplay]

I was always bullied at home, at school, by nieghbours and work colleagues. Miserable.
I was very quiet and shy, a easy target. My bullying sister did much better, loud, confident and bullish. I don't buy into the all bullies are 'secretly insecure' BS. Most just lack empathy are are naturally tough. Like The Trump.

[Rohag]

The combination of a mood disorder (e.g. depression) with certain types of personality disorder (e.g. avoidance) makes upward mobility far more difficult and chance-dependent than it otherwise would be.

It sounds as if the social "skills" this fellow honed in bullying you now serve him well in at least a certain vocational context.

Clayden, what do you think will help you survive in the short term?

Related: Long June 2015 Atlantic article - Why It Pays to Be a Jerk

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by passionfruit3

Do you not get the guy was traumatized?and your saying cheer up like he didn't completely ruin his life wow

I get that. I was traumatized by a bully too. She went so far as to humiliate me in front of the whole school by spreading a rumor that I was having a threesome with two of my female friends, when that never happened. This was in middle school, when my sexuality was beginning to develop and left me confused and disgusted, being that I am a female myself, yet felt attracted and whatnot to other females, but was being raised as a Catholic by my mother who was in turn, doing so to appease her very demanding and devoutly Catholic mother. Add to the mental health issues I've dealt with from a very early age, and how emotionally and mentally vulnerable I was at the time, and you can begin to imagine the struggles I was dealing with. Having this bully start those awful rumors about my two friends and I, and the constant sniggering and berating of my classmates and how it got so bad my friends and I had no choice but to go to the school principal to put a stop to it, it really began to take a toll on me mentally and psychologically.

However, as hurt and scarred as I was by her tormenting me, I grew to realize she was nothing more than a pathetic soul who felt she had to build her own sense of self worth by putting others down and being the center of attention. She also probably had her own set of emotional and psychological issues that were plaguing her. All in all, I just feel sadness and pity for her now, and though her actions have impacted how I view people in a public setting, I am aware that the feelings of paranoia I have are just that, paranoia, and I can then move on.

So, please, don't be so quick to judgement next time. I know it's something that is part of human nature, and something that is more or less an impulse or reaction, but it helps to take a few steps back and look at things from a non-objective viewpoint sometimes and think with logic, rather than your emotions.

I still stand by what I said, that the OP needs to realize that, yes, the past can hurt, and even hold trauma, but they can take what happened, learn from it, and use it to move on and prevent themselves from further feeling that hurt. We all have things in our past that are painful but if we lived by the pains of our past, letting them rule us and dictate our actions, we'd never get anywhere, never grow and learn. Learning, growing, and letting go of our past hurt is all part of this crazy thing called being human.

I am sorry. Try to remember that although he may look happy on the outside,if he is a bully still, he probably leads a very hollow life inside.

Kind of like FB or instagram. The pictures all look perfect, but the real stories...