[Yellow Knight]

Hey, I'm new and these forums looked interesting to me. I created an account in order to make my thoughts public, without needing to be seen by people who I love that wouldn't really understand. I was diagnosed with depression about 10 years ago, but it never manifested itself until about 4 years ago when I was failing out of my University, I never was a good student, and disappointment in my abilities, plus a loss of a friend caused me to wonder if walking into traffic would be preferable. Since then, not a day has gone by where I haven't thought something dark. Other than that my life was fine for the most part. I'm a competitive gamer who plays at an international level. I have many friends and a large caring family. But that is kind of where my struggles begin. My life is great. I have never dealt with loss before, I have many people who love me, I'm an internationally known player in the game I play, and a decent if not exciting job. Yet, I can't really appreciate any of it. I haven't practiced the game I play in many months, despite being invited to the world championships because I don't find it fun to practice anymore. A girl in the community managed to get me to fall for her, then when I asked about it, she dismissed it and called it a problem. The more she talks to my other friends the more sad I get. A friend of mine recently sent me a suicide letter, then somehow that letter was made public and some youtuber made a video about it that now has 300,000 views. So I try my best to deal with this person, because they a dear friend to me, but it's not always good for my health to talk to someone who genuinely wishes to die, when I don't. I just wish this constant pain would go away because I have a lot to be thankful for. I guess my situation isn't nearly as bad as many in this community, I've never tried anything drastic, I just want to be a whole person again. I find that I feel better by making thoughts public which has damaged friendships in the past.

[MickeyCheeky]

One doesn't have to have a reason to be depressed... it just happens. And depression is ALWAYS hard to fight, no matter what

So please, don't feel guilty about it. It's not your fault and we're all here for you

[Skeezyks]

Hello Yellow Knight: Since this is your first post here on PC... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Fizzyo]

Hi yellow knight, welcome to PC.

Sorry to hear you're struggling. I don't have an obvious reason for my depression either, and that caused me to feel a lot of guilt that I was ungrateful and to feel I am a weak person.
Depression doesn't respect our situations or whether we're successful. Just think of Ruby Wax who is open about her depression.

It is a lot of pressure to support someone with suicidal thoughts!! I have a friend who talks to me about suicidal thoughts and has phoned me after attempting it. I want to support her, but sometimes it hurts me too. When I feel unsettled by it , even if not excessively bad, I phone my local support line (in uk it's the Samaritans). I figure that if I'm doing their job with my friend, they won't mind giving me support to do it, and they don't.
They are always happy to let me talk through my feelings and it does help. At one time I planned to phone them once a week (and did)when I was feeling the pressure a lot.

Beyond that I remind myself that I can only do what's reasonable (note not what's theoretically possible, but what is reasonable) and what they do is their responsibility, NOT mine.

If I had a friend who was physically dangerously ill and might die, I'd worry a bit and be concerned, but I couldn't change it if the illness took them I would know I had tried to support them. It's the same with mental health, if the illness takes them (by suicide), I can't control if they live, I have to just do what is reasonable to support them and look after myself and that has to be enough.

It may sound harsh, but if I felt responsible I would be in the same boat as them and be no help to them.

I wish you all the best. What I say is just my thoughts. I hope you get as much support and encouragement here as I have had.

[Fuzzybear]