Definitely going numb

Thankfully, one holiday is gone for another year. The one thing I'm not sure is bad or good, is that I didn't feel anything yesterday, or today for that matter. In the past, I have experienced sadness, confusion, and anger for being alone and for the cruelty, pain, and suffering I've endured at the hands of family and other people.

I find myself pondering if being numb emotionally is good or bad. I'm leaning towards good because of two things: 1. People's cruelty won't affect me anymore. 2. I have finally accepted that my existence is meant to be solo.

I will never be cruel to other people, but, I now think that I've wasted too much inner strength on others. I know being emotionally numb can drive good people away. The only thing is.....where are they? I must be an a**hole magnet because that's all I run into where I live. In a world teeming with selfish and cruel people, how else is a kind person to survive without shutting down.

Feeling numb has always been welcome to me, too. As long as it's not medication induced. It's generally just easier to not give a **** anymore. Though, it never lasts but it's a good time to make positive changes because you aren't weighed down by depression.

RJ42,
I think numbness is both good and bad. Good because you don't feel sad. Bad because you don't feel happy. However, I was unable to feel happy without feeling sad. I hope your luck changes; something good might have to happen to you in order to emerge from your numb state. Hang in there and take care of yourself -- I think the future is unpredictable (and I want you to outlast your ex-wife!).

Whether circumstantially or by choice, numbness has at times protected me from certain things while also providing a seeming "safe place" (beyond the reach of others) while either waiting for or looking for positive changes.

I hope that numb will turn into an "happy" You surely deserve that

I appreciate the comments everyone. I would very much like to be happy. I've had so much bad happen, it's hard to be happy. I've only had 2 good things happen in my life; the day I legally adopted my oldest daughter, and the day my youngest daughter was born. I'm sure others can atest when I say that my life has been a never-ending nightmare.....one that no matter what you do, you can't wake up.

Yes, many can, and I am grateful you have your love for your daughters to help you keep going.

I appreciate that lee. It's all I have left.