fearful

So it's four days away from Christmas now and the fear is hitting me pretty hard now. I don't deal with the holidays for reasons I don't want to get into. I just want to say I usually spend Christmas alone or at a friend's house that takes pity on me. Sometime around this time I usually go ip. This year I want things to be different but yet a part of me doesn't want to deal with it. I don't want to be with friends. I want to be around my family who say they love me. I don't want to think about why they don't want me around. I know I can't do this though because I made a goal to not go ip for a year plus I have to step because I am possibly getting a job in mental health and I need to be a role model for others. I know what I need to do but why is it that I can't put this dark idea of avoiding this pain away? Why can't I stop being so fearful?

Sorry no advice just another who is fearing the holidays alone and in general

I don't have any advice either. In my experience what we want to do, & what we can do, are often two different things. Good luck with the job prospect...

There's no shame in needing a bit more help during the holidays, especially if you're alone.

One day closer and more fear

Been alone most of my life. Holidays are much worse. Sometimes I don't even know how to take it. All anyone can do is their best.

Holidays are hard. Everyone else seems so damn happy!
Know that you're not alone--looks like there are a lot of us who have the same issue with getting through the holidays.
And don't beat yourself up if in the end you decide ip is where you need to be to stay safe!
Sending hopeful thoughts your way!