i don't fit anywhere, except here at pc

why can't i fit in anywhere in the 3d world? i can't and never have. i know i fit in here at pc. i've been deaf all of my life. i was raised in the hearing world and taught how to speak and be like a hearing person. near impossible to understand people with my near-total deafness. can't keep friends because i take up too much time for them. i'm deaf and have depression. sure, i could get a cochlear implant, but it's not going to solve the problem. i can make friends easily, but can't keep them because they're all too busy for me. i'm not demanding or clingy. i can live on my own, no problem. i have a husband, no problem. but, friends just can't settle down because i can't fit into their world because i'm deaf and depressed. what sucks is that i was raised to be just like hearing people, only that doesn't work. duh! i could just up and defect over to the deaf culture, but it wouldn't help because i'm oral - a talker. nice idea, huh? if had a deaf kid, i would never raise him/her like that. i would give him/her the deaf culture and speech. i don't know much sign. tried to learn, but my brain wouldn't handle the pace of reading the fingerspelling. gives me bad headaches. really bad headaches. i can lip-read, but only up to a point. it takes an unbelievably huge amounts of concentration to do. i sure don't fit anywhere. here, i'm fine, but it's not a replacement of human contact and interaction. not to say anything bad about doing internet instead of the 3d world. it works perfectly for me. it's just that the 3d world don't work for me. it sucks. jeez, why do i feel like an autistic, anyway?

When someone has a serious problem that I don't know enough about, my instinct thells me not to say anything, to avoid being silly.
But I also know that my instinct is wrong, and that the person will be able to see my good intentions even if I say something stupid
So, my humble opinion is that humankind can't be so superficial that nobody can get over your deafness. You may have been seeking friends among the wrong kind of persons?

Just to be even more stupid, here is another weird idea:
There is one thing that I do that implies deep communication and doesn't require talking/hearing. It is the practice of Aikido, a japanese martial art. Communication takes place through contact, and with experience you learn to sense the attitude of your enemy/partner very well. As a matter of fact, when I'm in a depressive episode, my most experienced colleagues can guess immediately that something is wrong with me.
You may want to give it a try. Aikido is for EVERYBODY.

The best of luck

Hi wicked, are you sure a cochlear implant wouldn't help? A large portion of what you describe is a deaf person trying to fit into a hearing world, and how hard it is. If you could hear enough, you might be able to find friends who aren't too busy!

the reason i chose not to get the cochlear implant is that i need the vns therapy (vagus nerve stimulation) to help with my treatment-resistant depression, and it involves an implant of a generator with a wire attached to the vagus nerve. i consider this one far more important than the cochlear implant because i can be happy being deaf. oh, yes, i can. i can be hearing, but also depressed, too. plenty of hearing people have depression....

(((((stefano))))) thanks for telling me about aikido. how physically involved is it? i was wondering not because i'm lazy, but because i have serious energy breakdown issues where i end up paying a huge price. i even pay a price for doing tai chi! i know it sounds ridiculous, but it's also possible that i may have chronic fatigue. the thing is, it's impossible to test for it. my docs know about, though. also, i have problems finding instructors who can accomodate for my deafness. a lot of times, i can't understand what they say.... of course, a dvd would be good if it's closed captioned for the hearing impaired or subtitled. i wouldn't mind trying out aikido, as long as it doesn't cause an energy breakdown where i end up laid up in bed for days afterward. sure, i've exercised in spite of it, always paying a price for staying fit. i even get physically ill that way sometimes, with colds or whatever. like it somehow is detrimental on my immune system, despite having a very healthy immune system. i know it's healthy because i had an immunoassay done over 1 1/2 years ago. been tested for everything under the sun. it sure is weird, since the docs found absolutely nothing wrong with me.

Well, in search for martial efficacy, the practice is very hard. But as a DO (way) everyone can practice his/her way. As a matter of fact, Aikido has the highest rate of female and elder participants, because strenght is never required. Strong persons are continually urged NOT to use strenght.
Of course hearing that even Tai Chi puts a toll on you, that is discouraging a bit... Yet, you may approach an Aikido Dojo, and try.
As for hearing explanations, the Sensei is supposed to never speak, only demonstrate the tecniques. The Sensei will speak of course (we are not ancient japanese) but it is not needed to understand, you can only watch and imitate. I tell you that once I practiced in Germany. Only german was spoken on the tatami, but I could work nevertheless.

thanks a million, stefano