[debbie_tabor]

I didn't go into work today. Been having trouble sleeping during the night, slept in quite late, then knew I was going nowhere in a hurry, so e-mailed my co-workers to let them know. There was an e-mail from NT, another co-worker, one of two who are theoretically junior to me but made my life hell for 2 years. She's been on holiday and she's back. And we're working really closely on a project, and I haven't got enough done. No-one actually knows how my project is going unless she's there, so while she's been away there hasn't been daily added anxiety on top of the depression. Her not being there helped. If I couldn't get in to work one day I didn't feel so bad about not turning up that I couldn't go in the next day. She's heavily invested in the project (as am I) and gets anxious and angry when it's not going well. You can imagine what that does to me! I know she talks to the boss about me too. I could get some more work done over the weekend, and the results could make things better. But going on the past 2 weekends where I sat in the coffee shop over from work both Sundays trying to get myself to go in and with the added effect of knowing she's back I'm not sure if that's going to happen. She's the nicer one of the two, the other one left thankfully, but I don't think I'm going to get her to see my side of things. I don't like to 'share' too much anyway. My boss has been very supportive over the past couple of years, but I haven't told him that I went downhill again, I probably should have done but I just feel bad about it. He's been supportive but what does he really think! I'm sorry that I have to impose myself on people to keep working. OK, positive thought, I haven't totally wasted my employers' time, I have done some productive things.If I didn't get depressed I'd do better.

My usual pattern when I get depressed is to work at night so I can avoid people during the day, and just concentrate on my work. But that's weird, and I need to stay in touch with the nice new people in my lab, and it's not good for depression. I've been trying really hard not to, but my body seems to want me to stay up late anyway. Or maybe it's the meds or maybe, just maybe, I'd prefer to stay up all night and avoid everybody....

The other possibility is that I see my pdoc on Monday and I always have trouble sleeping around seeing him. He reminds me of my dad who didn't abuse me but confused me enough to make me think that he might have. Shame really, they're both soft, gentle, caring people.

Anyway, I think I'll ask for some ritalin or adderall to help with my concentration and focus and depression. I read that it helps with all of those on the drug pages. My conc and focus are terrible even when I don't have major depression and it doesn't help when you're trying to do experiments right (quickly so that noone else publishes first).

[stefano]

I see you are coping with all these problems, after all
Very good!
Did you talk to your pdoc about your problems with him? He will not be offended, and it may break that insane feeling.

[debbie_tabor]

That was an indecipherable stream of consciousness wasn't it!

It meant that I could get into trouble next week because I'm not doing well enough at my job. And I hate not being able to put it right because I can't get out of bed and in to work. Or get stuff done when I'm in work. This whole job has been a disaster in terms of depression and not coping, and I'm not sure I can go on to another job when this one ends next June.

I'm thinking of 'retiring' to the Shetland Islands (UK) where I know someone, but I'm also worried about being a mess there where I won't have the professional support I have here.

Thanks, Stefano. My pdoc may know already if my therapist makes notes, they're part of the same organisation. Otherwise, I don't think I'm as brave as several other people on the site who would bring up this sort of thing. I'd rather get in, get my meds, and get out again.

[meander]

(((debbie)))

ouch it sounds complicated, thinking of you, hope it all works out :-)

Debbie,
Your story sounds hauntingly familiar. Are you saying that the depression lowers your productivity, which in turn creates anxiety and feelings of guilt over wanting to do your best and not wanting to let others down? It's like a snowball effect that can make anybody end up feeling overwhelmed! Hang in there! This happens to me, and when I come out of the depression it's difficult because I then have to "pick up all of the pieces". At the end of last school year, my Pdoc prescribed Provigil to help with my fatigue. This really helped me with my motivational problems and I was then better able to cope.

I totally understand about staying up at night!! I sometimes wonder if I would be better at a night job You are definitely not alone.

[debbie_tabor]

Thank you Meander.

Lowered productivity, guilt, snowball effect, overwhelmed with work, totally!!! If only they new how hard we try and how much we want to do a good job. I think people just think I'm lazy. I'll definitely discuss ritalin and provigil with my pdoc. I have a fantasy of one of these drugs working and zooming around the lab for the last 8 months of my job being really impressive! I do know in reality it probably won't be that good. But anything which helps. Thanks for telling me this Soliaree.

Me too! I always feel that I do just as much work as others, only a lot of it is working on the inside of my head! It is so difficult to want to succeed so much but to appear not to care at times. I took Adderall and it did really help me get things done. The side effects for me were too much to handle, so I had to switch to Provigil. There is something that will work for you! Keep me posted.