Nuts

I have decided not to vote in the upcoming federal election because of a crisis of conscience that with my borderline personality disorder is sending me through the roof. (It would merely torture someone else.)

I was already stressed out even before this. I feel as though I have hardly slept at all for three days in a row. I look like it too. The church librarian remarked on it and wanted me to get some sleep in the Church, since I feel safe and secure there. I turned him down. (The librarian and I have had some deep talks about my psychological well-being.) Word there has spread of my situation...and it's a big parish.

I only mention politics because of its' role on my psychological wellbeing. Getting involved in the political process by working for a political party during an election is beneficial for one's morale, when one is dirt-poor, in lousy health and in desperate straits. It made me feel like I had some control over my situation. That is a good and loving thing.

For reasons I cannot discuss here, I must quit assisting the party I am working for. And that party was the only one that I felt was standing up for my interests.

I am quitting at a time when my situation is stressful and desperate. I am still months away from any help for pain relief. Waiting lists for medical care are notorious in Canada. Waiting for help leaves me feeling more powerless than I have ever felt in my life. Working for a politician gave me a sense of power over my destiny.

That sense of power is now gone and I am left without a voice, during an election when hospital waiting lists are a crucial issue. I am too ashamed to speak out because of my situation. Too scared.

I am going to do nothing for the next little while but pray...and stay in my apartment and rot.

Everything's useless.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.