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#1
Jan 05, 2017, 07:48 PM
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I was thinking today... letting my mind wander (as I try not to do). But I realize once again that I'm tired of fighting this fight...
I have fought depression the vast majority of my adult life. sometimes it wins... I have be hospitalized no less than 5 times in the last 10 years.. but does it really change anything? no.... I still feel alone and empty. lost and screwed up. I don't really think I contribute anything of value to my family or the world around me. I just exist... I try to fight these thoughts, but it is difficult when people that used to call me "friend" seem now to avoid me because I'm not the happy laughing person that i used to pretend to be. I dont have the strength to pretend anymore. My parents tell me that they love me, but the reality is that they need me... to take out their trash, carry in their groceries, listen to the same stories they tell me week after week. To my adult children, I am a joke. We joke about my trips to the hospital.... it is easier than thinking about the pain that causes those trips.... "silly mom, you just need to try harder... don't give up so easily". There is nothing easy about this journey, feeling the dark thoughts swirling to the surface.... unable to give voice to them.. because... it's not real... just in my head... supposed to be stronger.... sorry for all the whining... if I was smart. I would just delete this post and go back to my evening of pretending.... it's all ok. right?! 
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 Anonymous37954, Anonymous50284, Anonymous55397, Fuzzybear, MommaD, MtnTime2896, Rohag, Skeezyks
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 souldoubt5
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#2
Jan 05, 2017, 08:16 PM
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My life has come a point where nothing matters anymore.
 It's simply a matter of doing what needs to be done one day after another. Many years ago, my father used to say: "You're not required to like it. You're just required to do it." I take that as my mantra.  Perhaps that's sad perhaps from one perspective?  But it's also freeing. I no longer need to concern myself with whether or not I'm "measuring up"... "moving forward"... "contributing to the greater good"... etc. I now leave such lofty objectives to others & just do what I do... or don't do... as the case may be. 
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| guiltier65, Rohag
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| guiltier65
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#3
Jan 05, 2017, 08:22 PM
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__________________
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| guiltier65
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#4
Jan 05, 2017, 10:07 PM
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Pretending isn't something anyone should have to do ever just to fit in. You fit in right here. I'm a little screwed up myself this week so I'm at a loss to words, and for that I'm sorry.
__________________
"Give him his freedom and he'll remember his humanity." |
| guiltier65
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| guiltier65
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#5
Jan 05, 2017, 10:12 PM
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Quote:
I only hope that it is realized that we are not alone. maybe ok to be a bit screwed up?
Last edited by guiltier65; Jan 05, 2017 at 10:12 PM. Reason: misspelled word |
| MtnTime2896
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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