[MtnTime2896]

Holidays, or lack there of, doesn't change how I feel. I don't get more depressed over the holidays, I don't become happier. I don't change based off date nor obligations. I just change at random.

Yet, I don't change. I'm stuck in this psychological nightmare that leaves me and everyone around me hurt and screwed up. There is something wrong with me and I know that. There's something inside my head so insidious that it won't break my chains that bind me to it's torment. Do I need at least partial hospitalization? Probably. Will I ever get it? Doubt it.

See, I doubt everything. I doubt the love people say they have for me. I doubt my capacity to handle situations. I doubt my sanity. I doubt my capability to "get better". I doubt my own mind. This constant state of doubt is the "iron dome" of all that attempt to attack this insidious assailant.

[qwerty68]

I don't doubt that you have the strength to handle anything that might arise. Doesn't mean it is easy as you are aware but strength is dealing with the hard things.

Can I ask, if you believe you need some sort of hospitalization why do you think it won't happen?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by qwerty68

Can I ask, if you believe you need some sort of hospitalization why do you think it won't happen?

Can't afford it for the most part. I'm currently fixing that, so I don't believe that to be the real problem. I don't think it has to do with any lack of support because I know my fiance supports my decisions, and I'm very accustomed to not having support on any other end. I know my therapist will follow my lead on what I believe needs to happen.

It really comes down to me. I won't do it. My last experience is still at the forefront of my memory (which isn't positive) and I know I needed treatment. Real treatment. I know I went somewhere that made me feel worse and I left because of that. I know that I actually need something to pull me out of this but now I doubt a hospital's ability to treat me. I also doubt my resolve to stay as long as I'd need to. I always leave before I'm ready because that's what I do. Give me some ice for this concussion then let me back onto the court; so to speak. I know I need help, but I doubt I'm willing to get it, even if it's offered.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you feel this way.. I can relate a lot, actually..

You CAN get better; I believe in you.

Sorry you are still hurting so much. All of your self reflection and the fact that you know you still need treatment means there is hope. You doubt your sanity yet your writing shows so much understanding. When you get your finances in regards to your medical needs fixed, you can continue your recovery. (The cost of medical care is a real challenge for many of us including me.) I hope that you don't have to go without for to long. It is going to take time but you can improve. And I am one of those people who thinks that we can get a lot of our care through outpatient appointments and programs. As far as your resolve goes--don't beat yourself up--just keep trying....

[Fuzzybear]

[guiltier65]

your battle is very familiar. I too fight the demon of doubt. I wish I had a solution for you, but that would be a lie. Some days, the demon is quieter and I am more able to function; but there are days when my mind is less engaged in the present... that the demon grows louder and gets more and more control. So, I try to stay focused and engaged in the present... I don't know that it fixes anything... maybe a bandaid?

[qwerty68]

You are very self-aware and I think that is remarkable and fantastic. When I am doing poorly, all that flies out the window.

I understand about bad experiences making one hesitant about seeking further help. It is understandable. Been there for 16 years and counting with turning down therapy offers.

[MommaD]

I am so sorry you're feeling this bad. I would like to help but feel like I might be interfering, so tell me to butt out if you need to. I'll understand. But I've just got to ask:
I apologize if you've considered any of these options already and chosen not to go forward with them, but rather than inpatient, have you considered a course of ECT, or transcranial magnetic stimulation? Emdr therapy? Or even emotional freedom therapy (also known as tapping--a therapy you can do yourself for free that some people say have helped them reduce symptoms from depression, anxiety, ptsd, and other issues )?
Please know that I'm not trying to be a know it all--you sound so miserable that I just want to help if I can. Let me know if you'd like more info on any of these--I'm happy to hunt them down and post links. Someone did this for me when I really needed it, so I thought I'd psss it along. Like I said, feel free to tell me to MYOB

[MtnTime2896]

Thanks MommaD.
Currently, the doc's just trying to stabilize me. Afterwards is trauma therapy; the method we're going to use is Brainspotting. Interesting name, huh? I'm not doing so good regardless and I couldn't tell you if I'm cycling, stabilized or it's just the meds. I really have no idea. Right now, I'm just trying to make lasagna to achieve something for the day. It's not working too well. I appreciate the recommendations, I'll talk to my T about them to see if they'd be good options for my case. I'm unfamiliar with "tapping", though.