[OU77]

What is the best way to be there for a partner who is suffering from depression and several ongoing life stressors who seems to always push me away? things have often been strained for the past two or three months or so but she also mentioned around then that she was suffering from depression. At first I interpreted this as her just being down and that it would pass but I eventually came to notice that this very real for her and it wasn’t something that was just going to pass quickly. She requested space from me a few weeks ago and I’ve been trying to respect it was much as possible by letting her initiate contact and visits. When we’re together she’s often distant and physically unresponsive and I really don’t know how to react. It’s also clear to me that she perceives me as a stressor so I don’t want to burden her with these feelings of rejection that I receive pretty constantly. I feel like I made it clear previously that if she wanted to end things that I would accept it but she stated she didn’t want to and just needed time to work on things but I have this nagging fear that I’m eventually going to get a “we need to talk” and I’ll have just put myself though months of hurt and disappointment when I could have just taken the hurt at once and tried to move on. That being said, I want this to work. I have a genuine and deep affection for this woman and want to help her and be there for her which adds feeling powerless to the feelings of rejection. Any suggestions as to what I can do aside from what I’ve been doing? Should I keep trying to be physically affectionate? How can I avoid making myself the lightning rod for her anger and pain and instead being a source of fun and support?

[Skeezyks]

Hello OU77: I don't know as I have the answer for you here. Hopefully some other members, here on PC, will yet reply with some useful suggestions. However, I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

'Being there' means more than recognising a significant other is in a batte with depression.

As with any mood disorder (depression, anxiety etc), there are in fact things one can do:

Based in my own experience I want acknowledgement and validation more than sympathy.

Acknowledge that the mood exists. Validate that the mood is real. It doesn't matter whether you think the mood is justifyable the mere fact she is feeling it makes it real.

When I have been having depression and anxiety physical affection is not going to make me feel better.

[Sunlaien]

I commend you for reaching out and trying to figure out how to make this work with her and to help her feel supported. You have no idea how important that is.

I think that while it is different for every person, as justafriend306 mentioned-- sometimes it's just validation. I don't need someone to fix me. I don't need someone to feel sorry for me. But I need someone to say with me "Wow that stinks". Do things they know bring me joy. Maybe little surprises to show you're thinking about the other person. For me, that used to be a surprise coffee when they came home or a little note if they left the house before me. It made me feel important. And it helped make the sadness a little more bearable.

It is going to be rough. You might not even get a response on the outside. But I know that sometimes, I wasn't capable of expressing my gratitude at the time but inside it would feel nice to know someone still cared about me.

For me-- I don't need someone to tell me to see another doctor or to go on another pill. I just need someone to be there with me. To love me unconditionally. To be the light for me because sometimes my own light goes out. To be the strong one. And to let me know in spite of my depression I am still the one they love.

I can't say if this is what your partner needs. Have you asked? That is a slippery slope. But sometimes asking what can help can be a sign of caring. Maybe in a note. So she has time to reply. So she doesn't feel put on the spot.

Maybe leave it with some fresh flowers or a little box of chocolates or whatever she likes and write "I want you to know I care for you. I want to be with you. All of you. The good and the tough. If you ever need me, I am here. I can't say I know what I can do to help you, I am trying and I hope you can see that. If there is something I can do, anything, to make this easier.... please let me know."

Idk. Something like that. Haha. But again, this is what to me would feel better. Depression is so different for each person. So tread carefully and continue to feel out the situation. I cling to people when I'm depressed-- others reject and withdraw.