[bornunderabadsign]

Today I realized that if I was a character in a book or TV show I wouldn’t even like that character. Having been in a rut since 2014 with so much chaos between then and now I don’t even have much hope for the future. Amidst my psychological, physical, and social downward spiral I feel like I have shed my skin and am now walking around as a scathing wound on the world and a constant reminder to those that care about me of both mine and their failures.

I feel like I’m only living for the sake of others. I don’t have the means to pull myself up and no one seems to care if I do or not. I had dreams once but now that dream is dead. I can’t for the life of me acknowledge any kind of hope that a path will open up to achieve even a mote of recognition from any of the fields I had wanted to pursue.

I ask myself why go on? And the only answer I can come up with is that I would be missed and that in my absence others would quickly follow. It is the fear that I would be a catalyst to a much greater downward spiral that would inevitably be the cause of massive amounts of pain and anguish if not death of those that “need” me.

I live so that others may live. I exist to provide security and comfort to others. I exist and that is all.

[sugarbeeMe]

You deserve more than just existence! Keep fighting to live! Try to love yourself unconditionally. Sorry you are hurting.

[Skeezyks]

Hello born: I'm sorry you are struggling. I feel very much the same. My only reason for continuing to exist is that I'm married & my wife has no one else. Were I to die, she would have no one else in the world. So I keep going. Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep it up. But then I seem to keep doing it. So I guess that's the answer. I send hugs your way with the hope that you might be able to find deep peace within.

[MommaD]

I don't know what to say to help you feel better, so I can only say I'm so sorry you're in a dark place right now. I live to care for my disabled daughter, that's it. Perhaps living for another can tide you over until you get to a place where you can begin to live for yourself again, have dreams and aspirations and hope for yourself again.
I hope that day comes soon

[meowmixxx]

I wish I could think this way

[bornunderabadsign]

The scary part is that I will lose one of the people I care about because he has so much wrong with him. He is my rock and is the only person that really keeps me sane even if he is the cause of so much of my emotional pain. Well not so much any more but in the past he was a terror but he was also amazing.

I'm worried that when he goes I'll lose it. I lost it twice before over the passing of people that were special to me and they weren't a candle compared to him.

The others I care for I also care very deeply for but I don't think anything is going to happen to them any time soon. So I'm less afraid of losing them. But they don't hold me together as much. One helps me stay sane as much as she can but its hard when she has so many of her own MI.

I guess I'm just overwhelmed.