I can't deal with this anymore!

I don't know what it is, but my inability to make any decision with slight importance is destroying me. I have diagnosed Depression, Anxiety, and BPD. Also im 15) I want you to know that I am not even kidding when I say, I will become 100% convinced to for example keep my job, and then 10 minutes later I am 100% convinced I should quit my job. This is actually something ive been struggling the past week. I keep changing so fast??? I feel like I can't do anything. I haven't been able to focus on anything at all. Like at all. I go to a special school but can't even do anything! My boss is going to kill me because ive missed like idk 15 shifts!!!!! In the past, because of bpd, I would have temporary feelings of being in "crisis" like all the time. But now its like... not temporary. I feel suicidal and like dying all the time. I'm trying so hard. Things aren't working out for me? I feel useless in this world. I hate struggling. I feel like professionals don't take you seriously unless you are going to kill yourself. But the thing is, I'm trying not to kill myself! But I feel like I'm not getting help. I feel like im not getting better. I feel like I'm not improving. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I hate everything so much. I'm done with everything. What even is the point anymore? I'm so confused about everything and myself and I just feel like I have no purpose in life. Sure people care about me and **** and people would miss me but I've been holding on for them for so long and I ****ing can't. I want to hold on for them, but I can't. I have to leave, not for them. But for myself. Yes it's selfish. Very selfish. I'm leaving for myself, not giving two shits about other people's feelings. The thing is that I do care. I care a lot. I just can't do it anymore. Why do I feel like I pretend that I'm fine? I'm not fine. And everyone thinks im better just because im not constantly trying to kill myself everyday like before. Like I would rather go back to that because at least before it was a temporary feeling and in between those times I would feel better. I don't feel better now. I feel horrible and ****** and I can't complete anything I do. I'm done. Like whatever. I don't give a **** anymore. I'm ****ing done!

I know exactly how you feel. If it wasn't for being afraid of the physical pain associated with how I would end myself, I would be dead already.

Sometimes, the temporary bouts of depression can be a precursor to a more intense depressed mood. Honestly, if you tell a medical professional what you've written on here, at least in my experience, I think they'd have to take you seriously. They probably ask you if you had a plan and how long you've had it.
I understand caring about other people a lot and holding on for them. It's very true that after a while, that doesn't work anymore. It's a great band-aid to the problem but it won't stick. Life gets overwhelming, and then add some MI to go with it, and what more can you expect. No wonder you can't focus in school or attend work. When I was in my final year of high school, I dealt with this real bad. I eventually dropped out because I just couldn't go anymore. I only held onto my job a few months after that and ended up leaving that as well. After that, I was finally talked into getting some help. One thing I've noticed, like every time before, I can't bother to actually do all of this for myself. That's not going to fix the problem. A person has to learn to do things for them because they deserve it. You deserve to get better. Not live in misery like this. You deserve a chance at life, a good life.

Is there a hotline in your district? I see there are multiple numbers for multiple parts of Canada. I encourage you to call; even if you don't consider yourself immediately suicidal, you should call them anyway.

Thanks, |-/