Something about something

I feel like I have to make an update on my life, because a lot as been happening and I mostly go like I don't really care...one day at a time...glad the day is finally finished...

I don't have a special pleasure in going to work. Sometimes beause of what they say people make think that I only have two options, loving what I do or change it. So I feel I will only be doing the right thing if I love what I do, but this doesn't make sense. I have the right to not love what I do and still want to continue to do it.

The thing that I like the least about what I do, is how social it is. When I was still at school, I could go to class, sit quietly, and go back home without interacting with anyone. Now I can't, I have to talk to lots of people daily. And this is all that is needed to rise my fears and my insecurities. It's a chalenge.
I decided to change the way I think so I can be less shy and less insecure.
I come home after work and in my head I can't stop remembering what I did wrong, what some people thought about what I did. I mostly fear that they find me unfit for my job because I am "shy" and show doubt about what I say.
Today, right now, my thoughts about other people's thoughts about me are eating me inside. I know they are stupid, I know they will go away, but I can't help it. I am determined to change this and so I am trying to convince myself how unreasunable my thoughts are.
I am hoping that by changing my thoughts I will change my insecure behaviour. But I don't know how far can I change it, and it worries me.

So I could intrepret all this like the vicious cicle of being shy and thinking I didn't done things right. But I am afraid that I lack the social chip and whatever I do I will never be able to build real relationship with people, so no matter how much confident I look like I will ever do something that will give people a reason to think I am a weirdo.

In what extent I don't have friends because I just don't care about people that much? Because I don't have real interests and so I will never have something to talk about? There are so many variables about me that I don't know if tackling this one problem is the solution.

I wish I could understand myself better. I try to put myself into boxes so I can know what to expect, but different assorting seems equally possible right. Is it anxiety? Is it depression? Is it a personality disorder? Are them all together? What is each one's contribute?

My doctor thinks I have a schizoid trait, but I know myself better than she does and I just can't be sure. I don't want to be what schizoid means, I don't want to be allof and unsensitive. I don't want to be that person that doesn't care about anything and anyone, that isn't the concept of a what a good person is that I have.
But what does that mean? That, because I don't accept it, I can't be like this at my core or that I should start to accept it and settle because it is who I am?

I don't expect anyone to know the answears.
Any way, I know how confusing my text is. I tried the best I can to explain myself...

Hi Mulan,
Thanks a lot for sharing. Whatever you have that makes you be so shy or whatever point of view we could take about it (like: this is an impairment or this is just a trait and people are diverse, period) you know that you are extremely shy and that dealing with a lot of people makes you feel bad. It can improve, but maybe it will take time. I think you will feel more in control if you start thinking of specialities or paths of career that are less stressful or that can give you a respite. Within your profession there are jobs that demand less interaction or, at least, one does not have to deal with new people every hour. Perhaps you will not be able to change job positions any soon but doing research and thinking about it could be a start. You have overcome many challenges already. You have come a long way. It is not I want to dismiss your concerns, not at all! Sending you a big hug

mulan----I like you....you are a human being...just be who you are...and please find some place where you are fitting in...you seem like a good person...

I am one of the most screwed up doctors out there..
if I can make it so can you...