My sister called me and it was the first time in a while that she took it upon herself to call me. When we talked at first, it went pretty good.

But at the end I felt like she had dropped a bomb on me. She asked me if I thought she did the right thing with my mother before she died. My mother died 11 years ago. My sister was telling me, at that time, she had to choose to put my mother in nursing care or have her at home; and it would have been too much for her to take care of my mother. My sister feels guilty that she made the wrong choice (my mother was at the nursing care) and that she could have lived longer.

My sister and I went through that issue 11 years ago. I told her that she did the right thing with my mother. I thought that I had convinced my sister by telling her what I thought. I thought that the issue had been put to rest years ago.

But recently that issue has come back and I feel like I can't convince her that I thought she did the right decision. I tried convincing her again that she made the right decision, but it seemed like I couldn't get through to her. She wanted to go over every single little detail of the whole event. I had heard it many times before and I don't like talking about it, especially now, because it was many years ago. It drove me crazy; and then I just had to break down and tell her that I can't handle this and that she should see a counselor about it. She feels like I should hear all of the details because I am family and I would understand. After all of this time I don't want to hear about details about dying especially from many years ago.

I was not close to my parents. I felt like my sister had a better relationship with my late parents than I did. And it seemed like they liked her better than me. My sister took care of them up until the end because she wanted to. She told me that herself.

Was I wrong to suggest that she should see a counselor instead of talking to me about it in the future? And now I get the feeling she will not want to call me anymore. I felt a sense of betrayal because I felt like she was only reaching out to me because she was thinking about herself. If it were not for that, she probably would not have bothered calling me.

[Clara22]

Hi
I don't know if you did well or not but try to see things from her perspective. What would you feel if you are the only child among your siblings who took care of your parents and that your siblings don't want to be even bothered by your feelings of guilt?
Taking care of elders is not easy. I know, she did it because she wanted. But legally speaking, all the children are obliged alike. She did a great service by taking care of your mother. Believe me, it can be hard, too hard. Now, she is not asking much. She is asking for her brother to listen to her. She repeats things again and again. She has not called you for a while. But she is your sister and she took care of your mother. In other threads you said you feel alone. Sometimes, we need just to donate ourselves and give love freely. I know I always say we do not want to be abused or neglected or mistreated by others. But we cannot have a ruler to measure every single inch of love we give and ask for every inch of reciprocity. Sometimes we need to act with generosity and things start to flow.
Perhaps your sister needs to go to a psychologist. But perhaps she needs your reassurance, as well.
Sorry I am being blunt as I was talking to myself. Maybe it is not your case, but sometimes depression makes us to be self-absorbed. We claim nobody loves us but, do we love, really?
I am sending you a hug and sorry if my reaction is out of the blue

I did not have the same relationship with my mother that my little brother or sister did. My younger sister was the closest to my mother of the three of us. She left her job (though at least it was a job she was not fond of) to take care of my mom until her death. I am so grateful for what she did.

After her death, my brother and sister cried about it all the time. I did not cry much. I did have a good cry about it very recently. I think our mothers effect us more deeply than we realize. Some of our relationship with them is forgotten but their interactions with us and the things they exposed us to played a large role in who we are today. I remember my mom spending a lot of time taking care of my younger brother and sister and I think I may have just reacted to it by withdrawing from her at a very young age. I don't look at it as my fault or her fault--just that every child and every situation is unique. I am so glad that my mom found so much joy in my sister's company! But it was the hardest on my sister when she died. She was still crying regularly and hard 11 years after my mom's death. Grief is a terrible thing. It replays itself unexpectantly. It can be hard to watch. I'm sorry you could not be there to hug your sister. Everyone has bad days (both you and your sister). I encourage you to reach out to your sister. Thank her again for being there for your mom. You did great when you told her that she did the right thing when she chose how to take care of your mother. So I think that your instincts are good but you were just a little impatient that day. This is easy to fix!!

[Fizzyo]

Originally Posted by will19

My sister called me and it was the first time in a while that she took it upon herself to call me. When we talked at first, it went pretty good.

But at the end I felt like she had dropped a bomb on me. She asked me if I thought she did the right thing with my mother before she died. My mother died 11 years ago. My sister was telling me, at that time, she had to choose to put my mother in nursing care or have her at home; and it would have been too much for her to take care of my mother. My sister feels guilty that she made the wrong choice (my mother was at the nursing care) and that she could have lived longer.

My sister and I went through that issue 11 years ago. I told her that she did the right thing with my mother. I thought that I had convinced my sister by telling her what I thought. I thought that the issue had been put to rest years ago.

But recently that issue has come back and I feel like I can't convince her that I thought she did the right decision. I tried convincing her again that she made the right decision, but it seemed like I couldn't get through to her. She wanted to go over every single little detail of the whole event. I had heard it many times before and I don't like talking about it, especially now, because it was many years ago. It drove me crazy; and then I just had to break down and tell her that I can't handle this and that she should see a counselor about it. She feels like I should hear all of the details because I am family and I would understand. After all of this time I don't want to hear about details about dying especially from many years ago.

I was not close to my parents. I felt like my sister had a better relationship with my late parents than I did. And it seemed like they liked her better than me. My sister took care of them up until the end because she wanted to. She told me that herself.

Was I wrong to suggest that she should see a counselor instead of talking to me about it in the future? And now I get the feeling she will not want to call me anymore. I felt a sense of betrayal because I felt like she was only reaching out to me because she was thinking about herself. If it were not for that, she probably would not have bothered calling me.

Hi will19

It sounds as if you were in a difficult situation and did the best you could.

I can understand your sister needing to go over the "what ifs" caregivers often feel very guilty for years. She evidently needed your reassurance but was unable to feel it emotionally.

Maybe you can talk to her about it when things have calmed down a bit and explain that you understand she has difficult feelings on the subject and you want to be able to support her, but it's painful for you too so you can't always be as supportive as you wish you could be.

If she is still struggling after so long then counselling may help her to come to terms with it.

If she asks for the reassurance again and doesn't take it on board (were I in your situation) I would be inclined to say something to the effect that I understand that it is hard for her and I won't try to change her mind, but I believe she did the right thing and will always believe this and that I admire what she did. Then I might try to suggest that talking to someone independent could help her make some sense of her own thoughts and feelings and understand some of her conflicts about what she did. (Maybe not say the word "counselling" if it is a sensitive one until or if she admits that maybe an independent view could help).
She may not accept this until she has gone away and thought about it for a bit so it's not worth trying to convince her, just suggestions (reminding her it's entirely up to her what she does, you're not trying to make her do anything), asking questions if you think of some that might make her think.

People are more likely to do something if they feel they have had the idea or come to the decision themselves and don't feel someone is telling them what to do.

I feel for you in this delicate situation. I would probably try to prepare a bit for when it comes up, thinking how I might phrase things to be more gentle and how to say I struggle with taking about it because of my own issues (blaming my issues, not her behaviour) etc.etc. So I'm not so startled and feeling on the back foot when it does come up again.

Please take what I suggested as my thoughts on the issue, not as advice, you know your sister and what you can do.

There's no mileage in beating yourself up for "mistakes" or blaming her. Sometimes "I'm sorry what I said hurt you" can go a long way without implying either of you was in the wrong.

Best of luck.
Sending thoughts of strength and care.