Thoughts

oh it's never too late to tell the truth dear acqpl. I am sure your doc will appreciate that. I hope one day you will be able to overcome your fears and tell your t everything that happened to you, else it will just fester and torment you. and maybe then those voices will stop? if it is too hard to tell everything, maybe tell a little and see how you feel? baby steps..

I didn't do much of the sleep thing last night thinking about this.. I am not going to lie to my doc anymore. He is there to help me, and after knowing him for most of my adult and younger years I know him well enough that he shouldn't be too angry with me. I don't want to hurt him or make him feel like I don't trust him because I do.. I know all he wants is what is best for me, and to help me get back to as normal as I can be.
It was a bear getting out of bed this morning.. Just one more day though until I can speak to him. I won't lie, I'm nervous about this.. Likely much more than I really should be.
I think in time I will be able to discuss everything with who it needs to be discussed with.

I need to take better care of myself in the short term I think and pay attention to how I'm feeling and what I need. I've been doing far too little of that recently, purposefully or not.
I agree I've been keeping everything trapped inside and over the years it's been eating away at me and is finally starting to find a way out. I think I need to try and deal with that sooner rather than later or its going to really bite.

I think if you told your doc what you just posted, he would be understanding. i hope you will feel better when you start to talk about what has been troubling you all these years. keeping the pain in is a killer. i am really glad you called those crisis lines. when i was struggling with guilt over my pets' deaths, i never knew when it would strike. calling hotlines really helped me get through the moments of intense pain.

Well, I went..
I've been told I am in fact broken, and been lumped on the meds.. Had a very bad night last night what with my thoughts and panic. I don't want to be like this
Day 10 on meds, it's been wierd.

I have started reliving past events ... monents of regrets ... failures ... second guessing myself ...
I too feel broken ... I wish I had us an answer ... but you have my love ... and my prayers ...

Love ... Tigger.

I don't have words but I'm here.

Meds are tricky and while I don't think you're "broken", I'm glad you're working to get better.

I have had way too much time to think the last few days. I was so close to doing something stupid Saturday night. It was like I had changed in my head and I wasn't me. I'm unsure if I'm glad I didn't or not. My mind is being unhelpful. I don't want to be like this any more. Is it too much to ask to have some relief from feeling like this??

This is too much. There is so much to think about and it's like I've run out of space to del with it all. I feel like the ways I normally cope have stopped helping. I need to self refer to a therapist, but the thought of someone being able to get inside my head again terrifies me

"Keep on dreaming, don’t stop breathing, fight those demons
Sell your soul, not your whole self
If they see it when you’re sleeping, make them leave it
And I can’t even see if it’s all there anymore
You make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs
It hurts but I won’t fight you
And when I wake up let me be
When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might take my place"

I'm lost in myself. I'm having difficulty with reality with what my mind is doing.
Can't anyone take this pain from me, it's overwhelming my senses.

I've been listening to 'Afraid' by the Neighborhood a lot as well, as it seems to tug on a piece of my reality in its own way. I don't think anyone can take away our pain and we're lucky when the rarity of someone truly understanding takes place. I wish I could do or say more but I'm at a loss.

I'm finding it difficult to articulate how I'm feeling, but I agree that no-one can take our pain away, apart from maybe ourselves.. But the task of doing that is utterly monumental.
The rarity of understanding is frighteningly true.
Please don't ever feel like it's not enough. The fact is that someone, somewhere, may have at least an iota of understanding about what is going through my mind. It helps.

Then I'm glad I can do that for you

When I can no longer articulate I rely on lyrics and poetry to convey what I feel. Once the dust settles, your speech will return.