[ARflowerstar]

Long but please please please read.




My whole childhood I've always had someone by my side. And then grade 8 I got all weird and happy and angry and idk. People said I acted psycho and I basically lost everything and nobody trusted me because I was so unpredictable. I was getting in so much trouble. Got bullied so badly. friends left. My friends moms didn't think I was a good person. I was a "bad influence..." I was self harming because I thought people hated me.

grade 9, depressed and anxious as hell, attempting suicide whenever I could, was inpatient 4 times in the same year, became a completely different person. Doing things I would never do, running away in the middle of the night. Cops got involved so many times i've lost count. All because of my safety. Been in restraints, been locked in an isolation room in a psych ward for THREE DAYS. I wasn't allowed out of the SAME ROOM for 3 days!!!! I was losing it in there. They brought me food but holy ****ing ****. My parents didn't know me anymore, lost all my friends. People kept making me feel like I was trapped. Like mentally and physically. Hospital has put me into restraints, locked me into isolation, had me begging them to let me out....and they didn't. They've called security on me so many times, i've attempted to fought them so many times. The stuck an IM needle in me against my will to calm me down.

My parents got a lock installed on the INSIDE of the front door. I was locked in my own house. Most of the time I couldn't be alone. Someone ALWAYS had to WATCH me. I felt like the whole world didn't trust me. I ABSOLUTELY ****ING HATED BEING WATCHED. I couldn't go to school because panic attacks and I was unsafe. ****ed up so much stuff. Said horrible things to people I loved. And people who loved me.

One time I got violent and started attempting to kill (not literally... I think. But really injure them) my parents. I punched my mom in the face. My dad tried to restrain me, but before he did that I punched and kicked him in the face, stomach, and everywhere. There was no thinking. My dad had to restrain me and stay ON TOP of me until police came. One time I was in hospital, and I was suicidal. My parents brought me sushi and I broke the plastic packaging and started to self harm with it. My parents were temporarily let out of my room, psych ward staff took it away and forced me to take meds to calm down. They told me my parents were allowed to see me now. And guess what? They left. They didn't want to see me. I was a danger. I hurt hospital staff. I didn't mean to. They Yelled at me at my most vulnerable times.

I was so confused! Felt trapped! I was literally trapped physically most of the time! Nobody knew how I felt! Even I didn't know. I STILL don't know how I felt. It was horrible. I lost everyone. EVERYONE. I thought I had my parents, but then that one time when I needed them they LEFT ME. In my hospital room. Alone. To cry. They didn't want me to hurt them. I wasn't going to. I wanted them to love me. But they left....

I remember when I was inpatient and I was upset, I would "act out" but I would do it in subtle ways. I mean sometimes I would go full on violent though. (hence the security and isolation rooms and restraints and IM needles....) They told me to stop fooling around. They told me to behave myself. They told me to stop (physically) hurting people. Then when I was upset they'd yell and say "ENOUGH. YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH. CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE? YOU'RE HURTING EVERYONE. STOP IT."

That hurt so much. I never wanted to hurt people. I wanted people to like me. I just didn't know how to get people to like me. I wanted love. I feel like nobody wanted to give it to me. I felt toxic. I hurt everyone. I said horrible, HORRIBLE things. No wonder people left me..............

Now, in 10th grade. Going to a day treatment school and....
The past few months, I have felt AMAZING. Like crazy happy. I feel great and happy and amazing, and just great and I can't explain how happy I am.

I have so much confidence, too much confidence maybe. I feel like everything is ALWAYS okay. Sometimes people tell me its not okay, but I always say its okay. I feel okay. Recently I've had such great ideas, such great hopes and aspirations. I want to change the world, I want to help everyone. People are telling me I can't fix everything. But I don't see why you shouldn't try?

The thing is.. the last time I was this happy was 8th grade. There was anger too. That led me to do crazy things. Then I was labelled "crazy and unpredictable" lost everyones trust. Lost everyone.

I'm scared. I'm happy. SO SO SO Happy! But past 5 days or so, I've noticed anger. Anger anger anger! Just random outbursts of rage! I just feel like I can do anything, and get away with anything. I don't know why.
I get so happy, and then angry...

I feel like anger has replaced sadness. I was at taekwondo camp for 11 hours a day everyday this week. At random times I would get so angry I would keep punching the punching bags until I was bruised, numb and bleeding. I had to wipe my blood off the punching bags.

I don't know what to do! I feel happy, but my happiness is causing me to lose control!!
My happiness is causing me to thing EVERYTHING is okay. I feel like I'm being blinded.... In some sort of way.
Then I get angry because I feel AMAZING, and then a little bit of negative emotion comes in and I feel so confused and I freak out because I think my moods going to crash and i'm going to feel horrible again and relive my past, so I get angry and confused and frustrated and I just feel this emotion that I can't describe.

I'm living life to the fullest, taking risks, feeling happy. But I still feel frustrated and scared and angry!!
WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH ME

I don't know. I am obsessed with being a good person. I don't know what to do. I don't ****ing know. I just don't know anymore. I'm not suicidal, and I don't want to self harm.

I just feel so confused, and it feels absolutely HORRIBLE.

[Skeezyks]

Hello flowerstar: I'm sorry you are having such a confusing experience. I don't have the degree of difficulty you do. But I also have a lot of anger issues & I also always feel confused & horrible after any of my anger episodes end.

I'm an older person now. But I always also wanted to be a really good person. Instead I ended up being a really bad person. I've never actually been given a real diagnosis by any of the mental health providers I've seem over the years. But the pdoc who saw me when I was hospitalized the last time suggested there might be a bipolar element to my condition. Perhaps what you're experiencing is simply the effects of your bipolar condition? I don't really know. But I do know how difficult it is when you just want to do good & all you seem to be able to do is bad. So I send hugs your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...

[Rohag]

Hello, ARflowerstar. This caught my attention:

Originally Posted by ARflowerstar

There was no thinking.

I experience short, sharp episodes when powerful contradictory emotions - rage and terror - overwhelm me, and I turn all of that against myself. During these episodes there's no possibility of me reasoning with myself. It's an explosion that ends with me on the floor exhausted in mind and body.

No doctor has offered a precise understanding of my episodes. I speculate you might gain insight into your situation if you could consult specialists outside of psychiatry - a neurologist and/or an endocrinologist possibly.

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. Powerful emotions, both positive and negative, may interact.