[kinni11]

Took few pills last ngt , failed again just need keep on trying until it works
I hate living , can someone just shoot me il take the blame

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by kinni11

Took few pills last ngt , failed again just need keep on trying until it works
I hate living , can someone just shoot me il take the blame

glad you did not have enough ... "pills" ... glad your still with us ...

any ideas on breaking down that statement ... I hate living ... into chewable chunks ...

[Trippin2.0]

Then why are you reaching out?

Seems subconsciously part of you doesn't want to off yourself, why else would you post on a support forum...

I hope you fail again, please call a crisis line or your Pdoc / T.

[Fuzzybear]

I was kinda thinking the same as Trippin.. hope you stay safe

[kinni11]

Am a expert at sucides !
I work on a bridge where recently I seen a 21 male jump from 500 feet seen his come of after trying talk him down !
That's my job to prevent this but with out training?
I've seen a 65 year old guy wave to me and kill himself !
I've saved over 100 people in 9 years in my job I've cracked up , only on here cause each attempts fail

[Trippin2.0]

I beg to differ, you've cracked up here because you don't actually want to die.

Please call someone, youre worth the effort.

[kinni11]

I've had help for 8 months , still feel like this , just in dark place and can't get out , dream of sleeping and stay sleeping I've got nothing to live for anyway , am full organ donor when I die to help someone that got a life and all my body can be used for medical research

[Trippin2.0]

Well it can't be of much use if you're going to keep trying to damage it... Just saying.

8 months is tough, I've been there, I'm not trying to minimize or invalidate your experience at all.

There was a time I was stuck in the dark for 14 months, didn't believe it would get better either, but eventually the sun shone through and there was even a pretty rainbow to look at.

What if tomorrow is the day that your life changes for the better, would you still be ok with the decision to take your own life today?

You don't need something to live for, you are enough, live for you.

You matter.

[kinni11]

Tomorrow is not the day , not got nothing as you can see from my picture I've put all in blender god bless

[Trippin2.0]

So now you're a psychic too and can tell the future?

[kinni11]

No but I would be good one for myself !
Sinse 2012 never got better , last 3 months I've totally gave up

[Trippin2.0]

Ok so lets talk it through

What is causing your depression and what's adding to it?

What kind of help have you tried?

[kinni11]

Originally Posted by kinni11

Am a expert at sucides !
I work on a bridge where recently I seen a 21 male jump from 500 feet seen his come of after trying talk him down !
That's my job to prevent this but with out training?
I've seen a 65 year old guy wave to me and kill himself !
I've saved over 100 people in 9 years in my job I've cracked up , only on here cause each attempts fail

Cxxxbbbvbb

[Trippin2.0]

How about a different job then?

[kinni11]

Thought about it but want make same money

[Trippin2.0]

Do you realize that your reasoning doesn't make any sense?

You can't spend the money when you're dead, and your job makes u suicidal.

So why not do the responsible thing and find another job, and save your sanity, instead of choosing money over your own wellbeing that u can't spend when ur dead.

[MtnTime2896]

Your job isn't healthy, to say the least. I should know. We see a lot of bad things, things that don't make sense and things that would cause anyone to "crack up". Screw money, that can't be the only reason you haven't left the job.

[Fuzzybear]

I would say too, this job is not healthy for you...
Screw money... if you live long enough you'll find money isn't all that important
I would know, paternal parental unit and step unit, were "obsessed" with money and I don't say that lightly

Money isn't that important
(So long as you aren't on the streets..)

[kinni11]

Money ain't anything but when you have your own house , car , bills to pay and drop in wages , I can't survive

[MtnTime2896]

That makes sense but you could still change fields that I'm sure pay more or equal. You sound very educated.

I had to change jobs because I couldn't do it anymore. I made it work financially because I had to.

If you really want to do what's best for you, then you have to find a way to make it work.

[kinni11]

Its defo my job !
I was of work 6/7 months I went and looked for help and took it .
After it felt great the best in years ! My psychotherapy nurse calls me her role model , she seen me happy!
After 1/2 days at work I felt worse than before !
I took overdose last ngt , ngt before and 2 weeks ago end up in hospital!
To ngt I've phoned 111 nhs waiting on a call back , I've been depressed for a while but sinse back at work I just don't want face anyone.
All I think about is how to not wake up again !
I was on here last ngt and someone says you want do anything cause your just a cry for help?
So I video on my phone what I done got loads of pills put them in blender thinking go my system quickly
But still woke up ?

[Clara22]

I understand Kinni. I am in an unhealthy situation but if I leave my house to rent my financials will be seriously hurt. And living miserly is something I cannot afford given my disability. Sometimes it is not just to leave a situation and then everything improves. We need to think about all the options before making a decision.
However, we need to be careful because depression is tricky. Depression does not want us to change anything because depression wants to engulf us.
So, in turn, we need to carefully consider the risk attached to continuing doing the same things we are doing at the present moment. I am saying this because if we continue doing the same things that make us more depressed, depression will just take over.

[Clara22]

Why do you have pills at your disposal? Do you live by yourself?

[kinni11]

I get what you say , but I've seen 2 people jump of a bridge , forth road bridge !
It's 500 metres from footpath to water and see 2 people body split in half I've saved over 100 people from jumping by talking them down , I've pulled people over and sat on them till police come!
But next day am of they come back and done it !
I've no training , never offered any 8 years , told to do it your job , I went on sick after a guy jumped , I came back got disciplined for being on sick ?
Am at my lowest I want last long all I think about is going sleep for ever

[kinni11]

Yeh live myself but I can buy of streets that don't work as you can see