[Onward2wards]

I make a list of all the experiences that have some positive (anti-depressive, anti-anxiety) effect on me, whether large or small, and do the same for all the negative experiences. If I use this as a checklist (how many times in a day / week / year do i actually encounter these things?) I notice that the positives list has been slowly getting fewer and fewer checkmarks, and the negatives list is growing like a weed. So why am I depressed again? Oh, right, it's not my imagination after all. Well, duh!

I had to ask myself, why is this happening? This is becoming an ever-worsening process. I have a depressing, anxiety-inducing lifestyle. Why am I not doing anything about it!?

The answer seems to lie in the theory that we all have old fears from the past, inflexible life rules, and self-defeating behaviors ... a "neurotic complex" seems like a good name for it all. I've always though depression for me is a stress reaction indirectly caused by various old hangups that I'm having a hard time getting rid of. I prefer this way of looking at it to "it's some kind of biochemical glitch" because I've never been too impressed with what meds do for me, personally. Yes they can slightly alleviate that stress for a short time, but not very well, and that's about it. More is needed it seems.

I'm venting because right now to say "I hate my life, I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do anymore" is a brilliant understatement. No, I'm terrified, fed up, and the end of my rope, feeling a level of despair and confusion beyond anything I have ever felt so far, probably "in crisis", and I'm sick of this happening. 2017 has GOT to be the year I finally punch the devil in the face and tell it to get lost, finally!

I'm tired of being labeled "high functioning." Compared to the level of functioning I want to have, compared to the life I want to lead, I'm beyond floundering. I am NOT WELL. I am miserable, I am feeling nihilistic, I'm acting almost masochistically passive, and on the inside I scream every day. I have nightmares frequently. I feel defeated. I detest my life. I have had enough of watching myself just put up with the unacceptable, and do nothing but vent about it. Every day SUCKS. I don't know exactly how to fix this. I'm scared.

The worst thing is realizing you've been this way, more often than not, for years ... and that very little seems to help for very long. I can see more or less what would help, but I can't find the confidence or optimism to actually do it. I'm sick of unconsciously following my worst fears instead of my aspirations. Meds are not doing enough, when they even do anything useful at all. This is not a psychologically healthy way to live. This isn't life, this is enduring existing.

[MommaD]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. I hope you continue to post on PC and that it helps even a little bit just to write the words.
You didn't mention if you were in therapy as well as on
Meds--is that a possibility for you? I hate sounding like a broken record but my daughter who has MDD, anxiety and Ptsd has just started a new therapy called emdr, and believe it or not, I think I see a tiny improvement in her mood and energy level already and a reduction in her symptoms (flashbacks). Perhaps it's worth exploring?
I hope you hang on and keep trying, and sending you virtual hugs

[MtnTime2896]

I think you just articulated exactly how I've been feeling for some time, and for that I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could write that could help you in any way here, but I got nothing.

[Onward2wards]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I think you just articulated exactly how I've been feeling for some time, and for that I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could write that could help you in any way here, but I got nothing.

((( Só leigheas ))) Good luck to us all. I can't afford to believe our problems have no solution.

[MommaD]

None of us can afford to believe our problems have no solution or we may as well jump off a cliff together like lemmings! Even if that means our solution sometimes is to go to sleep and hope when we wake up we're just a tiny bit better. I know wishful thinking doesn't make it so, and I'm no Pollyanna. I hate it when people say "you just have to try harder" or "don't think about it so much". If it was that easy, don't you think
I'd be well by now???
But I refuse to believe there are no answers for us and that there never will be answers for us. For now it's just hang on one more minute, one more hour, one more day.
And to know that you don't have to wander in the dark alone. That's it, that's all I got.
And I'm sending healing thoughts your way.

[MommaD]

None of us can afford to believe our problems have no solution or we may as well jump off a cliff together like lemmings! Even if that means our solution sometimes is to go to sleep and hope when we wake up we're just a tiny bit better. I know wishful thinking doesn't make it so, and I'm no Pollyanna. I hate it when people say "you just have to try harder" or "don't think about it so much". If it was that easy, don't you think
I'd be well by now???
But I refuse to believe there are no answers for us and that there never will be answers for us. For now it's just hang on one more minute, one more hour, one more day.
And to know that you don't have to wander in the dark alone. That's it, that's all I got.
And I'm sending healing thoughts your way.

[MommaD]

Sorry for the dip post--somethings screwy with my computer tonigt

[DechanDawa]

No one is telling me to try harder but myself. Well, maybe the counselor who calls me once a week. She is CBT oriented and wants me to be more action oriented. Depression is a formidable foe. It knows our weaknesses, our excuses, our vulnerabilities. I now have a sign up on my bathroom mirror. It says: My depression is not me. This is important to remember. It may be a part of me but I am distressed at how it now has taken over my identity. This is very much how I think of myself but not how others see me. Others do not relate to me as a depressive. It is more an internal identity I have developed...and also how I act when alone. Am not as motivated as I once was and dwell on negativity, which is ruining my life! I look back over my life and I see that my depression was never me. I have had wonderful experiences as well as ups and downs, good years and bad years, failures and successes. At times I was depressed but that is not what I remember. What I do remember is when I fought hard to progress and get to a better place. My happiest memories are when I accomplished things despite my life not being the best. I used to have moxie and courage and I want it back. I say FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT to get depression to back off. If this entails working harder...than yes, work harder. I am presently composing a list of all ways I can fight depression. I am certain it will reach at least 200 items. I think if I get to that place I might even make it into a little book I can carry around with me. Sometimes we forget all the things we can do to uplift our mood. Every time we can improve our mood it is a battle won against depression. PS I am not on psych meds and don't intend to be, ever. When I come on Psych Central in crisis and feeling really bad others react by bringing up medication. I have finally decided my intense emotion probably triggers people and so they are not saying take medications in a very light manner, but they are genuinely distressed by my pain. It took me awhile to figure this out. So now I have decided to take a little vacation from Psych Central so as to not burden others while I am punching my way out of the dark box. I really don't want to enter into the medication or no medication debate because it isn't helpful for me. I will continue on the holistic path but I think I will try to make it more hardy and vigorous.