[girlinterruptedbee]

I have been very depressed lately. My battle with PTSD and OCD from childhood trauma has pretty much ruined me. I have PTSD from being thrown into foster care out of the blue and having to survive in that system from age ten till I aged out at eighteen (I was thrown into foster care because my mother tried murdering my stepfather). I also have PTSD because my rich father, who retired that same year, rejected my pleas to stay with him and forced me to stay in foster care. To this day, he denies that he ever abandoned me and says it didn't happen that way, adding insult to injury.
My OCD stems from the fear during foster care that a decent family would send me away to a bad family, they threatened me with that during my whole stint in foster care, and from me being constantly bullied at a specific foster home. As a result, I am a huge perfectionist, and I double check everything. It is exhausting, and it makes work unbearable.
I am 24 now, and my childhood baggage is killing me. I went from being a strong, "beautiful" (people would always tell me that) young woman with lots of goals and high expectations of herself to someone I don't even know. After I aged out of foster care, I attended college and worked. I was very strong and believed I could do anything. Things changed when I got raped at 19, more PTSD.
Each year after that, I have just derailed as a person. I keep piling on the pounds because I use food as a coping mechanism, so I have lost my looks. I started getting bad grades, and it is taking me forever to complete my major. I feel like a failure.
I have no emotional support. After foster care, I left my town and moved to another place to reconnect with family and be closer with my father. That was a bust. I have been stuck in a place that I hate with money troubles and family who is not interested in me. I have a boyfriend of five years, but we have been having issues. He made me stay home tonight after his family invited us out to dinner, because he insisted that I would have an attitude. I told him tonight I wouldn't. That it is bad for me to be by myself right now, and that, yeah, I have had a bad attitude about them in the past and so has he (he doesn't even like his family and was going for the free food).
Well, he left anyway, so I am left home alone thinking about how crappy my entire life has been and thinking about ending it all.
I got some good news two weeks ago: A job offer in another state that would pay a lot of money for the career I specialized in. Things were good for a bit until I started worrying that the company didn't like me anymore because I did something wrong (I have been doing some online stuff for them). I have been worrying myself sick. This was my last bit of hope at a better life and now I am afraid that I ruined it.
I have no real happy memories. Everyone has deserted me. I haven't seen or spoken to my mother in almost a decade, my father doesn't really care about me, my boyfriend thinks I am a nuisance, his family doesn't like me, my friends from back home have never really been true friends and they have proved it to me time and again, and my relatives make me feel like a burden and a charity case. My therapist has come off as annoyed by me lately. I know I am not a bad patient, and I am very self aware, and I don't cross boundaries with her, so I am very hurt that she came off that way not once, twice but multiple times. I feel worthless and like nobody likes me. Maybe I am just an unlikable person. I am exhausted by life. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want my life anymore.

[wiretwister]

first welcome to PC ... there is a lot of very caring people here ... don't be upset if you do not get a reply right away ... the board can move pretty fast and sometimes posts get over looked ...
you seem to have a lot on your plate .... and it really sucks your not getting along better with your T ... I doubt your an unlikeable person ... but I don't doubt you are very tired ... being tired and or depressed can color your out look negatively ... try to hold on ... keep posting ... you can always private message if you just need to talk ... Tigger.