When people start to notice

Most of the time I trick myself into thinking I am not so bad. If I can get through the day without any major hiccup what does it matter if my thoughts are drawn to suicide more and more frequently? It's just ideation, nothing more.

But I know that isn't really true. I research it a lot. Too much really. The last few weeks I have been purchasing things that I think will make sure I am successful. Who knows though, really.

Even with that I tell myself I'm coping.

It's when everyone around me starts to notice that I see it's more of a problem. I work in retail, and I have actually lost count of the times customers have told me to cheer up this week. A guy even went out of his way to joke around with me today because it looked like I needed it.

I know I'm not really ok, but I can always argue with myself that I'm just fine and dandy.

I probably won't truly accept it until it is too late, as always.

Not sure what the point is to me posting this, but there ya go...

As always, I understand you. I understand arguing with yourself. All too well.

Please tell me about the skydive....

I want to know why you're doing it. I want to know how you found out about it and what made you decide to do it.

I want this story, if you are able to share.
If not, I understand totally.

Thinking things are not so bad is a great coping skill from my POV.

Did that guy cheer you up? You must be somewhat likeable if your customers are feeling concerned about you.

Maybe you are just overthinking things like many of us do at PC.

I will send you a pm about it, it's a bit personal to post the story about it for all to see, but I don't mind sharing

It didn't really cheer me up no, just made me feel sad that he felt the need to. And then paranoid that if a stranger can see it, surely people who know me must see it too?

I hope you are right though.