Reality

When I go into one of my bad episodes I find a new show to watch and my newest show where a main character hit the low level I've been on. Just laying there, not moving, no one able to help, just "zombie" mode for days and ends her relationship because she feels her depression is going to end it anyways. Her boyfriend was going to go to a cabin with another girl and packed his bags and everything and when he saw how much she needed help, even though she hurt him, he built a fort around them while she slept in the living room on the floor and stayed with her.

I have never had anyone stay with me during my episodes. My depression has scared people away and no one has ever stayed with me during my stages but instead closed the door on me.

I can relate...
I think there is like an "energetic wall" between the person and the world, the "happy" part of it. It's like the two cannot coexist on the same plane. Also people don't kmow how to relate, how to approach.
Which still sucks...My best friend is living in the same city as I do now and I don't really have many other friends here. Still, somehow we've never been able to talk openly about these issues, like being depressed. I feel like I still need to put up a mask, but all I want is to be able to just be with someone, to call them and just be around, just hold space for each other.
I've been thinking yesterday about being able to sit with the other persons pain. That's hard. Just being there, not trying to fix it. But that's what I need...