[Kaidabear]

Here I am, finally fed up enough to actually seek out an online support group. My very first, lucky you. Ok a little bio on me, I'm 28, I'm in a committed relationship, going on 5 years now. I live in California, which is wonderful. I don't have to work, but I do go to school.

Whats wrong with me, how much better could it get? How can I really be so unhappy? Well I don't know the how, but I am.

Something I recently learned about myself, is that I'm really great at self destruction. I don't physical harm myself in that respect, but mentally, I put up these walls and I can't get past them.

For example, I don't take care of myself. I don't eat right, I don't exercise despite how I hate my appearance. I have a blood condition that requires I check my blood levels on a regular basis, and I barely go as often as I should. Since I don't work, it's on me to take care of all things domestic and I don't. Dish's pile up in the sink for days (we don't have a dishwasher even ugh!) Laundry never gets put away if I do it, and doesn't get done as often as it needs too. When we moved into the this apartment the carpet was brand new, so we have all this ugly icky carpet fuzzies that gather and just drive me crazy, but do I vacuum?? No of course not. Oh, I am a student in college, I love my classes, but it's an epic battle in my head and will to just go to class, let alone do the work, or take notes.

I want to go to school and do well. I believe I can, I just hit this damn wall. I want the apartment to look nice and provide a relaxing place to come home to. But I don't do what needs to be done.

I sleep too much, go to bed too early sleep too late, I'm so irritable and moody that it's like this other person lives in me. My fiance is just beside himself, I'm surprised he's still here.

I am destroying myself from within, and I know it, and yet I do nothing. I miss class, we have no clean silverware, and I have nothing clean to wear when we go out tonight. (Like I really wanna go out anyway *sighs*)

I'm angry, lost, cynical, foggy, sleepy, and failing miserable at just basically being a human being.

Why can't I fix me?!?!

[wickedwings]

((((kaidabear))))) first of all, welcome to psych central. i'm glad you found us here. and you're more than welcome to come here. and we're here to listen, as well.

kaida bear, your description of your depression is the same as mine. the only differences are that i don't have a blood condition and the fact that i'm not in school. i can't work. anyway, you apartment's condition is my house's condition. i know exactly what you're saying about the domestic issues. i want a clean house, too.

i ask myself the same question of why can't i fix me, too.

[kebsfroggy]

You do know that most of the things you described are (as my Therapist loves to say) a part of your illness.

Whoop-t-do. Now you are instantly cured.

Seriously, I have children older than you so I'm not sure that I can relate to everything. But most of what you said is like looking in the mirror.

The support groups can really help. They don't replace professional help but most everyone is very supportive.

I hope things improve for you. Don't be so hard on your self. If you quit beating yourself up you may begin to feel better.

Do the dishes then hit the local hamburger joint to celebrate.

((((( Kaidabear )))))

[Kaidabear]

Thanks guys, I'm just slipping further and further away from reality it seems. I have had occasional Drs, and they've all put me on Prozac at one point or another. I'm just at this point where is that really helping me or just covering up the wound? Our medical coverage is ok, but only allows us to see Drs. at a certain place, and though medically they're great doctors, but the psych department is the medical equivalent to the fast food industry.

"I feell like crap can't get anything done."
"I see that sucks, here's some pills see you in a month"
"Wow thanks Pills!!!!"

I was inspired to seek out an online support group this afternoon because of a conversation I had with my fiance, and upon realizing besides him I had no one else to talk to.

Here's what he said:

Josh: Honey?
Kaidabear: ya?
Josh: Don't you have class right now?
Kaidabear: ya
Josh: You didn't go?
Kaidabear: no
Josh: why?
Kaidabear: I don't really know
Sent at 12:20 PM on Monday
Kaidabear: i was gonna do laundry
but haven't started it yet
Sent at 12:22 PM on Monday
Kaidabear: josh?
Josh: yes?
Kaidabear: are you mad?
Josh: I don't know how to deal with this except to either let you fall on your *** (which isn't really an option) or punish you as if you were a child/
Kaidabear: just cause i miss one day doesn't mean i'm falling on my ***
Josh: You're missing a day for no reason, you bought that game last night because you forgot that I got mad when you spent $150 on games. We haven't had clean silverware in almost a week. This is not acceptable
Kaidabear: i'm working on the dishes now
and i didnt forgot that you got mad I forgot that you asked me not buy any more games
please don't ***** at me honey, it's not like i wasn't doing well before, i went 3 weeks without missing any class, and that doesn't count now? I already feel terrible about not going, and you yelling at me about it is only beating me down further
I'm not upset at you so please don't think that, just expressing how i feel
I do understand your frustration and I'm not ignoring or dismissing that,
it is unacceptable to go that long without clean silverware, it was very selfish and stupid to buy that game, and it was stupid to miss class
I can not become this perfect person you wish i was over night honey
I AM gonna fall on my ***,
buying that game WAS falling on my ***
it's whether i get back up that matters
and I'm worried that you didn't bother mentioning to me your dissatisfaction with the dishes all weekend, and only said it cause i missed class
I can't take you resenting me without letting me know whats making you unhappy
it's not fair
you could have said, ya honey lets go out but would you do the dishes first?
that would have been fine
Am I just delusional here?
Sent at 12:39 PM on Monday
Kaidabear: fine don't talk to me
Sent at 12:42 PM on Monday

Since he didn't answer, maybe you all can tell me if I'm delusional.

I don't want to give the wrong idea, Josh as been the best support I've ever had in my life. I can see though that in five years of going back and forth over the same damn things, it's getting to him.