[starryprince]

Hi everyone. Hope you're all doing well. This will be all over the place, as I have a lot of things on my mind and I hope I'm not judged for this.

I have had a lot of feelings today. I basically cried all day, and it's about stuff happening now and things that happened in my childhood.

1: I'm stuck in a body that I'm not too fond of. I'm grateful for it, but I wish I was in a position where I could start transitioning (I'm on the trans spectrum). I'm constantly thinking about the body I want and it makes me sad that it'll take me a while to get there. (My family doesn't know I'm trans)

I'm also gay (I use queer since it's more broad but there has been some discourse around that word) and my grandma found out and she has said some things to me that were downright rude and disgusting. My mom knows, but my mom was abused by my grandma and it seems like she's afraid to ask her to leave. My grandma has other children in her home country, but she uses my mom because she knows my mom can't say no to her.

So I'm stuck in a house where I can't be myself. I'm out but I'm not REALLY out.

2: Growing up poor really affects you and you don't see the effects until you're older. It gives you what I like to call a "poverty mentality". I hate asking for things because when I was a child I'd ask for things and my mom would say, "I don't have the money this week, but maybe next week". And next week would come but we'd have to spend it on something more important. So I just learned not to ask for things. So now when friends just give me things I feel so flustered because I'm like, "I don't have the money to give them anything back". I can't just accept things because I feel so bad.

My mom and my grandma believe they don't deserve the best since they grew up poor and the best wasn't available to them. So they both just settle. They're both stagnant (my mom is very ambitious but she's very stagnant emotionally). And it's hard being in an environment where you're trying to stretch your wings but the energy is so stagnant.

3: My mom has gotten very religious. Something great happened to me and she said we'd go out to celebrate, only for her to say she had to go to church instead (I truly believe she just didn't have the money to celebrate). So I said, "I thought we were going out to eat..." and she laughed and said, "You don't expect me to choose between you and the church, do you?" That comment still hurts me.

4: The thing that bothers me the most is that my mom knows how emotionally abusive my grandma was/is. She knows about my grandma's sexually inappropriate behavior towards me that involved touching when I was 5. My mom knows that, when I was a kid, my grandma would talk to me and use derogatory terms to describe my mom and tried to turn me against her, all before I was 9 years old. I was a little kid (6/7) and I was very affectionate and I'd hug my grandma, only for her to push me off of her and say, "Leave me alone!" She has accused me of lying, she has commented negatively on my looks, she's said people don't like me because I'm "weird" and other things (those are the "nicer" things she's said). But my mom will not ask my grandma to leave.

Don't get me wrong: I know my mom loves me and I love her to death. I'd do anything for her. I'm so grateful for everything that she's done/continues to do for me. I really want to stress that. I love her so much and my dream is to buy her a house so she'll finally know what it's like to not struggle.

But sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with all of these things by myself. In a way, I kind of am.

It's not my job to fix this family, so I've started focusing more on myself. I treat my grandma with respect (because everyone deserve respect). If she asks me for help, I'll help her. But I stick to myself and try to get out of the house as much as possible.

So that's why I'm desperately trying to find a job so I can move out and be myself and be in an environment that's not so stagnant.

I try to explain this to people and they always think my grandma "isn't that bad". Or that I should be "the bigger person". Or that I'm "ungrateful". It's all very victim-blaming and it makes me feel like a bad person.

So I'm trying to be brave and post this here.

I hope people understand what I'm trying to say. Thank you for letting me be vulnerable.

[Rizzar]

Hello, starryprince. You have much to deal with.

I wish you well.

Just wanted to let you know that I read your post and I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time. Your grandma sounds toxic and unpleasant to be around - it must be very difficult to deal with.

Unfortunately many abusive people put on a facade of being nice to people on the outside, so they come across as a great person and people just can't believe that this great person could be abusive. It sounds like your grandma has people on the outside fooled, and that is unfortunate. But you know the truth, and your mom knows the truth. That is what truly matters.

I hope you are able to find a job and become financially able to move out as soon as possible. I truly believe independence can make a huge difference in our happiness. Until then, hang in there and focus on yourself primarily. I wish you nothing but the best.

[Fuzzybear]

[Clara22]

Hi
Sometimes we need to leave and that's the only thing we can do when we are young. I don't know if this is the case but sometimes we need to get very upset and cut ties in order to be ourselves because when we live or have toxic people around they will do whatever it takes not to let us grow. Because if we grow we put their own poor lifestyle in evidence. They cannot even think about it. Because it would be an horror to see how they are really. I don't know but your grandma seems to be a sick person. It reminds me the step mom of my father. Lord! That woman carried too much suffering from her own childhood but she was horrible herself. She was a real spider. I was born poor in a country ruled by dictators. Some of my family members were killed by the dictatorship, another ones disappeared. Other family members did not fight the dictatorship, they just adapted. We had domestic issues, as well. I know that poverty somehow affects our expectations but on the other hand it gives us a lot of endurance, once we open our eyes and see the limitations our poverty brought to us, we can also take advantage of the training poverty gave us, as well.
Again, I don't know your case, but in my case, I had to leave and get away in order to rule my life. Then I could come back but in my own terms. To me it was necessary. It was not easy and it took time. But it was worthy. I wish you good luck and send you a big hug

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by Rizzar

Hello, starryprince. You have much to deal with.

I wish you well.

Thanks so much! ❤

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

Just wanted to let you know that I read your post and I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time. Your grandma sounds toxic and unpleasant to be around - it must be very difficult to deal with.

Unfortunately many abusive people put on a facade of being nice to people on the outside, so they come across as a great person and people just can't believe that this great person could be abusive. It sounds like your grandma has people on the outside fooled, and that is unfortunate. But you know the truth, and your mom knows the truth. That is what truly matters.

I hope you are able to find a job and become financially able to move out as soon as possible. I truly believe independence can make a huge difference in our happiness. Until then, hang in there and focus on yourself primarily. I wish you nothing but the best.

That's the thing. Everyone who meets her loves her. They don't know the real her. She puts up a very good mask. She acts very nice in front of people and then talk about them behind her back. But when I describe her I feel so guilty because I feel like I shouldn't be talking about her like that...It's a guilt I'm trying to work through. Thanks a lot. I've been applying to jobs so I hope I hear back from some. Fingers crossed!

Originally Posted by DaX15

*hugs back!*

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi
Sometimes we need to leave and that's the only thing we can do when we are young. I don't know if this is the case but sometimes we need to get very upset and cut ties in order to be ourselves because when we live or have toxic people around they will do whatever it takes not to let us grow. Because if we grow we put their own poor lifestyle in evidence. They cannot even think about it. Because it would be an horror to see how they are really. I don't know but your grandma seems to be a sick person. It reminds me the step mom of my father. Lord! That woman carried too much suffering from her own childhood but she was horrible herself. She was a real spider. I was born poor in a country ruled by dictators. Some of my family members were killed by the dictatorship, another ones disappeared. Other family members did not fight the dictatorship, they just adapted. We had domestic issues, as well. I know that poverty somehow affects our expectations but on the other hand it gives us a lot of endurance, once we open our eyes and see the limitations our poverty brought to us, we can also take advantage of the training poverty gave us, as well.
Again, I don't know your case, but in my case, I had to leave and get away in order to rule my life. Then I could come back but in my own terms. To me it was necessary. It was not easy and it took time. But it was worthy. I wish you good luck and send you a big hug

That's the exact same problem with my grandma. She had a very rough childhood and it made her bitter. It's really sad to see how things in childhood can affect a person well into their senior years...I truly believe I have to find my own place because I feel stifled here, especially since I can't transition. I am really hoping I find a job soon because it'll make it easier. Thanks so much for the good luck and the hug! *hugs back*

Thanks so much for the kind replies everyone. I was hoping that I didn't annoy anyone on this forum because I feel like I can be annoying at times, heh. I am very glad to have a community like this.

[Sunflower123]

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. Good luck and best wishes on finding your own way. I'm rooting for you. I believe you can do this. Your grandmother sounds terrible. Her childhood is no excuse for the things she has said/done. She could have chosen to break the cycle. I digress. Hugs coming your way.