[subtle lights]

and I'm sorry, but no one will see it anyway, I rather destroy myself apparently than to let anger show.
Because I'm not allowed to be angry. To express anger.
I don't even know why I am not allowed. Some people have stories, my stories are lost in my mind or maybe it's just all in my mind.

I am left with hating myself because I have no one to blame.
I am left with dying inside and no one can see.
Anyway.
I can't be myself, I can't ever be myself. I have to be the silent, shy obedient girl. I'm locked inside this invisible prison. Something blocks me to express my emotions, especially the strong ones. I can't be spontaneous. Someone, somewhere, hasn't allowed me to do that.

And then people come and say that I'm okay. That I'm strong. Well, I don't want to be strong anymore. I wanted to be myself but apparently something screwed that up a long time ago and I have no one to blame.

Sorry, I hope it's okay that I posed this here.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

and I'm sorry, but no one will see it anyway, I rather destroy myself apparently than to let anger show.
Because I'm not allowed to be angry. To express anger.
I don't even know why I am not allowed. Some people have stories, my stories are lost in my mind or maybe it's just all in my mind.

I am left with hating myself because I have no one to blame.
I am left with dying inside and no one can see.
Anyway.
I can't be myself, I can't ever be myself. I have to be the silent, shy obedient girl. I'm locked inside this invisible prison. Something blocks me to express my emotions, especially the strong ones. I can't be spontaneous. Someone, somewhere, hasn't allowed me to do that.

And then people come and say that I'm okay. That I'm strong. Well, I don't want to be strong anymore. I wanted to be myself but apparently something screwed that up a long time ago and I have no one to blame.

Sorry, I hope it's okay that I posed this here.

what do you blame for your emotional block...

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. It's good that you posted to get that off your chest. Are you seeing a therapist who can help you process some of these issues? I just wanted to let you know that I support you and that you're not alone.

[MickeyCheeky]

[MtnTime2896]

You just printed words that have lived in my mind for a very long time.

((( subtle lights )))

I'm so sorry that you feel this way. I can only understand to a certain degree (like anyone else) but if you need to talk or vent, I will be here to listen.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( subtle lights )))))))

I'm angry too not only did a therapist (more than one "therapist" ) not help, they harmed.

But I know I ........

It's sub optimal being "called" either "strong" or "weak"

Wtf do "they" know..all they know is their own construction of "reality"

All "they" want is to silence us, either out of malice or for their own "comfort"

Thinking of you

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by little turtle

what do you blame for your emotional block...

I don't know really...My mother would say it's all genetics
I would say it's more than that though. I don't think people are born with a tendency to repress emotions
Also I'm not sure if blaming helps, but when no outside influence (like family) gets acknowledged then I'm the one left with the "blame"
But any blaming or even acknowledging the influence of some people regarding this leaves me feeling guilty

[subtle lights]

In the same time, now thinking about it, the situation has got much worse from the beginning of this year after the conflict I had with my ex-boss (ex because I left the company since then...). Since then it's like I'm unable to express anger, but I have plenty inside me...

[eskielover]

Blaming doesnt help but UNDERSTANDING does.

I grew up & looking back, I can see the anger otherwise I wouldnt have been fighting against my parents constantly from as young as I can remember....though at the time I didnt understand why.

Went from fighting with my parents into fighting my H in my marriage. After 33 years in that marriage & 21 years with my parents the only emotion I recognized in myself was ANGER without having the words to express the WHY.

The last 13 years of my marriage I had useless talk therapy before I was finally able to escape.

By the time I finally escaped my marriage, both my parents had died. I went to a T in the new state & town I was living in & he realized that I had gone through more trauma than what I had realized & he also suggested from my explaining what was going on that I had been living in an environment where the other person was incapable of reasonably communicating & there was also no emotional connection existing....& it wasnt ME thst was the problem like those around me wanted to think. They assumed that because I fought with my parents & with my H that it was me thst was the difficult person to live with.

Fast forwarda few more years & more quality therapy in my new home. 2 years of intensive DBT therapy taught me skills I never learned, reinforced those I had & best of all I LEARNED words to express my thoughts & feelings which was an amazingly freeing experience.

One day middle on in that therapy my private psychologist asked me how I was feeling. I honestly didnt have the words. She gave me a 5 page list of feeling/emotion words, a piece of paper & pen. I sat & write 2 pages of words that were what I was feeling then we went back & worked on the WHY'S. DBT had opened up a better understanding of myself to start recognizing what I was experiencing & just working on being able to express it in a safe environment was a critical part of my healing.

While researching the cause ofthe issues in my marriage, I came to slso learn that my dad had exactly the same issues my H had & my mother was no better off than my dad. She was so caught up in her own lack of self-esteem & self-confidence issues she was incapable of relating to anyone else & she had married my dad who was unable to emotionally connect & totally incapable of rationally communicating.

I grew up thinking that was normal until I got away from it & learned how more normal people behave & connect with each other. It has been a learning curve starting at the age of 54 but I seriously NOW understand exactly where my anger came from & just how justified it REALLY WAS, unlike what they wanted me to think....but it was because they honestly had no idea of just how dysfunctional they ALL really were either. It wasnt intentional on their part but REAL, none the less.

It is so healing to learn the why & learn how to express that why. Laying blame isnt even important now to me but just understanding & being able to express myself & now when I feel something I am able to pin point not only the why but the whst I am feeling from anxiety to depression & even a few flashbacks from trauma when experienced.

It just takes years of GOOD therapy, & patience.

[subtle lights]

Thank you eskielover for sharing this, it's really inspiring. Your description of your parents sounds incredibly familiar...