[Little Jay]

Things have gotten increasingly worse I've now got to see the crisis team. I was too open with a friend about how I've been feeling and she rang my doctors and came with me to see him. I am so sick of this so many times what's the point in even trying

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way..

[Rohag]

When do you meet with the Crisis Team, Little Jay?

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( Little Jay )))))))))

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Little Jay

Things have gotten increasingly worse I've now got to see the crisis team. I was too open with a friend about how I've been feeling and she rang my doctors and came with me to see him. I am so sick of this so many times what's the point in even trying

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I hope you feel better soon and that your meeting with the crisis team goes well.

[whisperingskye]

Sorry things are so bad right now, I hope the crisis team are helpful.

[crimsoncat]

hi , i am sorry you are feeling so bad , i have been under the care of the crisis team many times and sometimes it has been very helpfull ,i hope it is for you to.

[Little Jay]

Thanks everyone, they are going to ring me first thing this morning to see when they can see me. I've seen them before but last time they admitted me so I'm freaking out, I don't want to go back to the ward again.

[Little Jay]

Yesterday I wanted to die. I woke up and came to the firm decision that I was going to kill myself.

I even did a practice cut down my inner arm, tracing along the vein. How deep do I dare? The answer was not very, this was not the method for me.

So I somewhat composed myself and went into the office as normal. Where I couldn’t concentrate and my plans were running through my mind, no method seemed like the right one. I spoke to a friend about how I was feeling, I got upset, but not too upset - it’s impossible for me to cry right now.

My friend rang the doctor and I’ve been referred to the crisis team, but have to wait until today. I agreed that was fine - if I was going to kill myself then what does that matter, I may as well keep everyone happy for now.

When I got home, it started to feel real, all these thoughts I’d been having. Being around my family gave me doubts - could I really put them through this? Maybe this really is selfish of me. I decided to go for a walk.

I walked through fields, in no particular direction. over an hour passed and it was pouring it down with rain and I was soaked through, in the rain I screamed, I desperately tried to cry but I couldn’t get any release from these feelings. The farmers fields were getting harder to walk through and I was getting covered in mud. It caked up in my heel and made my boots heavy. A phone call, my boyfriend wondering why I hadn’t been in touch. I told him I was just walking. I told him I was fine.

Of course he knew I wasn’t.

It got dark, the rain still poured. A good old things called Find Friends on iPhone showed my Dad where I was, a car appeared, my boyfriend.

He ran to me and hugged me close. I went rigid, I didn’t want to be touched, I just wanted to be left alone to think. He put me in his car, I didn’t wear my seatbelt as a subtle way to play with death. I realised that doing dangerous things was the only way to make myself feel alive. I remembered walking down the middle of the busy road earlier that night, only moving out of the way at the last minute.

When I got home my parents were there with hugs and open arms. I’ve gotten through this before, they said. I cried, finally I cried. The messiest crying where my heart hurt and snot and tears got all over their shoulders but I didn’t care.

So now I wait, wait for the call from the Crisis Team to see what they say.