[Jessxlee]

Hello. I am new to this board. I have been having issues with depression/anxiety since I was a teenager. I am 33 years old. Two years ago, I started seeking help from a doctor and was put on sertraline, plus hydroxyzine as needed. I feel like the Sertraline helps limit my depressive episodes, but my mood is still often unstable. I still have depressive episodes, but they are different since being on the Sertraline. I'm not sure what's normal and what's not. My doctor at one point wanted to raise my dosage. I am only on 75. But I didn't want to as I don't always feel that way. So I got the hydroxyzine. I do have a very stressful job, and it's where a lot of my anxiety comes from. I've always had a problem with it, but it has gotten worse.

I am studying to be a counselor, and the more I have learned about different diagnosis, I wonder if I am more than just depressed. I have concerns that I may be bipolar (specifically bipolar 2). So much of what I have read feels like I could have wrote it. I always thought that with bipolar, you were the two extremes and there is no middle ground. The more that I have read it seems that it is untrue. I shared my concerns with my doctor and he is referring me to a psychiatrist. He thinks I just have major depression, and I'm just having episodes of not being depressed and feeling good. He might be right. But I don't know. Has anyone else been in this position? And what did you do? Part of me feels like he just doesn't fully understand mental health (which is often true) or I am being dramatic. Guess this is a good time to mention that that I have trust issues and horrible self esteem.

I would categorize myself as being high functioning, despite what goes on in my head. I am bullheaded and like to be independent. I don't like for people to do things for me. I put on a face so everyone will think I'm okay. One of the most bizarre yet rewarding compliments I got was from a coworker who said that I seemed like I really had my life together. I was blew away cause I don't see my life that way. Yet I couldn't help but be glad that they didn't see my truth. It's a struggle and I spent a long time hiding it before it became too much and I sought out medical help. I am just so tired of pretending that everything is okay.

I am nervous about going to a psychiatrist and not sure what I need to do to prepare. I hate telling people what really goes on in my head, because I don't want the "looking for attention" attitude from people or sounding like I'm crazy. I'm thinking I need to write out every symptom that I experience and my history. Anyone recommend anything or where I should even start? I am actually to the point of being too scared to go. But this isn't just for me. I have two children and I feel like I owe them a good mom.

Thanks for taking the time to read this if you got this far. And thanks for any help.

[Little Jay]

I always find writing everything down helps because once I get in there I can get too anxious to talk. I hope that it goes well for you, when is your appointment?

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you are having a problem with depression/anxiety. You seem to have handled it really well over the years being high functioning. I understand so much of what you've posted. I have trust issues and horrible self esteem as well. I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2 and generalized anxiety disorder. I question that diagnosis sometimes. I have severe depressions and when I come out of them of course I'm happy and I don't believe I've ever experienced hypomania so I am questioning the reverse of you I guess. I'm wondering if I don't have Major Depressive Disorder. There is often middle ground in bipolar disorder aside from being at either pole and that's a good thing. My mood stays in depression the majority of the time.

Please don't be afraid to go to your psychiatrist. You're being very wise putting everything down on paper....your symptoms, your history, your questions. You'll get much more out of the visit that way. I hope your visit goes well and you get your diagnosis straightened out. Best wishes and welcome to PC....

[Jessxlee]

Originally Posted by Little Jay

I always find writing everything down helps because once I get in there I can get too anxious to talk. I hope that it goes well for you, when is your appointment?

I haven't gotten a call yet. I'm going to give my doctor's office a call soon if I haven't heard anything.

[Jessxlee]

Thanks. I am very nervous about going. My doctor wanted to increase my Sertraline, but I don't want to be heavily medicated and feel like it's not working. If that makes sense. I'd rather go to someone who deals with the ins and outs of mental health to make sure I'm getting the right care.

Overall, I guess I do handle it pretty well, which I am thankful for. But there have been so many times in my life (more as I get older) when I'm driving home at night, and think how easy it would be to just drive off road. I tell myself I would NEVER do that to my children. They are what has kept me focused all this time. But I'm scared that one day I might do it. I know that's not normal and that's how bad it can get for me. This is not something I share with people. I told my husband once (it was a couple years ago), but he doesn't get this stuff. I know I put him through hell sometimes trying to keep up with my moods.

[elevatedsoul]

as someone thats been on many different medications ... i would say that increasing the zoloft to 100 or even 200mg isnt that much a biggy... IF it would work for you...

and if you were bipolar there would be a chance that it could trigger the manic side of the bipolar....

but i havent had any luck with any of the medications that i have been on besides the klonopin, which is highly addicting and you grow a tolerance to so it stops working after some time... the gabapentin works really well so if you have anxiety problems i think thats a really great medication... i love my gabapentin... it also stabilizes my mood and helps with my depression some how i dont know how but i have ALOT of problems and everyone is different....

i would just say the things to the psychiatrist that you said here... that you have a stressful job, that you try to put on the mask to hide your true feelings from the world and that stresses you out more, that you have a hard time showing how you really feel, and that you are really struggling with your depressive episodes...

right?

medications arent that bad of a thing... they 'CAN' be really helpful to some people...
when i first started taking medications i was like you and didnt like medications and didnt want to be medicated/heavily medicated either...

but my symptoms were really bad... and as time went on i just grew more tired and more pained... i hurt alot and suffer a great deal with my symptoms, but i also have zero coping skills so ive had no other choice but to try medications... hospitalizations... rehab... ect....

and sometimes the first medications you try will not work, you may have to try several medications to find the right ones that will work for you... its not an exact science because everyones chemistry is different and we have to shoot in the dark to try to hit the targets and hopefully get something that will work for us...

being nervous about medications is 100% normal... but they aren't going to turn you into a monster or a completely different person, you will still be you, just hopefully you without the debilitating symptoms you know?

sometimes when trying new medications we have to be vigilant and careful looking out for side effects though... because they do happen and when they happen we want to be on the look out, but we arent going to lose an arm or go blind like talking about over night... so try not to be afraid of that... i've tried a lot of medications... and im still trying new medications because none of them seem to work for me... and each time im scared of new side effects but i have to weigh the benifits... do i want to try to get rid of these symptoms? or not?

welcome to psych central....