[dexter]

Good actions but I still have to work on my state of mind.

I went out yesterday to the parade in Manhattan. I was planning to try to go but didn't know if I would make it. I was up very late on Saturday night and thought I would end up too tired to go, so I am really glad I got myself out and into the city.

We always talked about going when my friend Michelle was here (before she moved to Nevada) so sometimes that brought up sad memories about how far we are now. But going by myself turned out to be OK. My knees didn't hurt too much either, hardly at all, and I was on my feet almost all day with no problem. So that was good too.

I ended up feeling sad at the end of the day though. It is one of the things that almost kept me home. I didn't talk to anyone there, make friends, start a conversation, anything... and that is the reason I wanted to go. Last week I felt all gung-ho about going, but when the weekend came I felt very withdrawn. Because of that I am glad that I made myself go anyway, but my depression is still bad enough that I keep thinking of just how lonely it made me feel. Seeing all the people who were together... not just "couples" but also groups of friends, made me feel isolated and increased the feeling that I don't "belong" anywhere anymore.

And I'm also focused on several points yesterday when I had an opportunity to join in or talk to someone... but I just couldn't. I couldn't visualize myself "fitting in" with anyone there, even the people I thought I might have something in common with.

So I ended up mostly just thinking of how desperately lonely I am now, and how I used to be happy just being me, and enjoyed times when I was alone without feeling lonely.

Today I slept most of the day. Haven't eaten yet, going make some dinner for me now.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[gloria]

Hey Dex!
I'd have gone with you! I love parades, plus, I've never been in Manhatan.
I'm glad your knees didn't give you trouble ... About the rest, well, a step at a time. A step at a time.

Keep up the good work

gab

i'm so sorry that your day didn't turn out better but just going to the parade was such a positive step...........i've had those same feelings of lonliness.........not feeling like i belonged anywhere............it is the pits........but keep up the fight dave......yo're such a kind, intelligent person.......i pray you'll break through this wall some day.......

[shakes]

Dex,
I am too sorry that you did not have as good of a day as you wanted. Just think the way you told me. Focus on the positive little steps like the fact that you made dinner for yourself tonight. There are days I cannot even do that.

Stay strong,
Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

[lost_lonely]

(((((((((((((((dexter))))))))))))))))

Stay strong, and don't give up the fight. I'll share some of that hope with you too, okay?

[Beautiful_Pain]

{{{{{{{{dex}}}}}}}}






<font color=purple>Pain can indeed be a beautiful thing</font color=purple>

[krzyk101]

((((((((((((Dexter)))))))))))
Thinking of you ...and that I understand.

Best Wishes-
~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

[SS8282]

Good to hear you went out. ((((((((((((((((((Dexter))))))))))))))))))))))