just checking to see if this is normal. I usually sweep everything under the rug. I realized I hadn't even considered asking anyone about these things...

so, I will write them here.

I don't trust myself... I'm worried that everything I write, everything I do for work makes sense to me but is unintelligible to everyone else. like i'll write a report but it just turns out to be gibberish.

so I check and double check and triple check and I am slow.

theres this small voice that always just tells me to kill myself.

Possible trigger:

I have the means to do so. a painful method to discourage me. I have had them with me for nearly three years. I called the suicide line last week. was overwhelmed. didn't speak for three minutes. I was crying. he hung up on me. I checked the time of the call. it was only three minutes long... could he wait longer?

for example, I wake up. I look at my feet dangling over the bed. they don't seem like my feet. I think I should kill myself.

I go to the grocery store. I look so normal. I think I should kill myself.

I am eating dinner and I think I should kill myself.

in general, my life is fine. but everything I do, I feel empty and lifeless. I have no desires. I stay at home because I am afraid of going outside or I simply have no desire to. I feel like I am not living, so I am no one. I am trapped. I feel like time is moving on without me and I am just here.

I don't think I'll ever have a breakdown. I am just fine.

I sometimes fantasize about not doing well until I pass out in a public place. I want to be brought to the doctor against my will. but I'm always fine. always.

thanks for reading.

guess I just needed to write this. I wish I could say I am not doing so well, and feel like those words meant something. Maybe if I had someone to listen, or to give me attention. again, that despicable trait rears its head. I think this all has its roots in some misguided romanticism and me wanting to be rescued all the time when I was a kid.

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

I don't trust myself... I'm worried that everything I write, everything I do for work makes sense to me but is unintelligible to everyone else. like i'll write a report but it just turns out to be gibberish.

I hope that I can be of some help to you. That part of the post is something I can relate to very well. There are lots of times when I feel like I came up with some brilliant ideas. So many times with my brilliant ideas did I have them slap me right in the face. It was like, "what the hell were you thinking?".

It was that way with my parents. Whenever I felt that they needed correcting, I would tell them so. And boy wouldn't I get it! That's why I have such a tough time being assertive.

I would be hesitant at replying at a post that seems sensitive from the original poster. Because I would be afraid that they would take it all wrong or feel like I didn't reply well to how they were feeling.

So many times with my brilliant ideas did I have them slap me right in the face. It was like, "what the hell were you thinking?".

It was that way with my parents. Whenever I felt that they needed correcting, I would tell them so. And boy wouldn't I get it! That's why I have such a tough time being assertive.

I had similar treatment from my 'rents. maybe that's where it comes from. it has escalated to a fear of a "A Beautiful Mind" break from reality at work.... haha

I'm glad you replied. I often don't reply to posts, either, for the same reasons you listed.

Well, maybe I shouldn't be so dramatic. perhaps I'm just afraid of making mistakes that I don't catch. that I am worse than I perceive myself to be. for example, I'm going through something my coworker put together, and it's riddled with mistakes and inconsistencies, like it is not done to perfection as I would have it.

and here I am, wondering, but maybe I am wrong and she is right, and freezing up. because I'm aware that my perfectionism is born of anxiety and compulsion. so maybe it's wrong, maybe when people open the document I slaved over, they won't see perfect, they'll see the disordered way my mind works - repetitive and redundant.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry I don't remember but are you in therapy and on meds? I don't have any advise but I am here to support you and I'm here if you want to talk. I hope you start feeling better and I wish you well.

are you in therapy and on meds?

no, I'm not... are you saying that would be advisable?

I sometimes don't believe my problems are that bad. that is probably why I have been functioning for so long.

[MickeyCheeky]

Well, you did say you often feel like killing yourself..

[Fuzzybear]

the usual advice is therapy and meds (as most people already know) They do help most people so I confirm this as I am meant to do
(Personally they added to my Depression and CPTSD)

But, like I said, I'm fine. I'm having a couple of bad days. I'll be fine in no time. nothing will have changed. I've been like this since I can remember...

[mountainstream]

how bad does it have to be to be "Bad"?

[Sunflower123]

According to some of your recent posts, I think what you are feeling falls under the category of bad and it seems to be persisting.