[BlueMerleGirl]

Hi everyone,

I've been married six years (together for 9), and have one toddler. I struggle with depression an anxiety. Recently I've started some new meds which are working pretty well. We have had a LOT of rough times in our marriage, not necessarily because of our relationship but because of external factors, tragic family member deaths for example.

I've been depressed for a while and I've gone through a lot of changes in the last year (move and a new job). My husband stays home with our toddler but that's about to change.

Now that I'm feeling better, I am just starting to realize that marriage isn't anything like I thought it would be. I felt like I was getting married to have a companion/life partner. And I feel like I had one, before the move/baby. But now I don't feel like I do. I love my husband and he loves me. I always thought he wouldn't be what I needed as a stay at home dad, because when I was pregnant he was unemployed (laid off and trying to find a job the entire time). He would do very very little around the house and it drove me nuts. Didn't matter so much when he was working but how in gods name can someone justify pushing the vast majority of household duties on the working person when they aren't working? Then we had the baby and ended up having to move cuz I lost my job. He quit his job he had found right before I had the baby beside it wasn't enough to support us.

So he's been a stay at home dad for a year and is about to start working. We have had a million fights about how he does not do hardly anything in the cooking/cleaning/household management department. And I don't expect much. Maybe an hour a day of combined cooking and cleaning would suffice for me. But somehow he has managed to convince himself that it's ok that I have to do all the household management tasks when he stays home all day. He thinks I'm unreasonable... I know it's not easy staying home with a toddler but my God.

Since I started feeling better I've been able to do more household tasks without being exhausted, and he has started doing tiny bit more. I feel like I don't want to let something as trivial as housework ruin or marriage but the resentment is still there.

But it's not even about the housework lately. I am so mad because it seems like he just never wants to do anything with me. It takes convincing to make him leave the house and it never seems like he wants to go. I feel like I can't ask him to do anything without pissing him off. I thought being married would mean having a companion but I do 90% of things alone. He is hardly ever even in the same room as me, unless you count him being in the dining room playing video games while I watch tv in the living room. I can see him but it's not the same room. I just don't get it. Since we had a kid it seems like he just
Complains all the time about being tired, and as soon as I'm home it is "me" time, and he needs to relax and take a break from childcare. Which I get but we do so little together and as a family, I just don't understand why it has to be like this. I see other families at the park together, grocery shopping together. I do those things alone or with my toddler, never with my husband. And if he does go to the park once in a blue moon he will just sit on the bench on his phone.

Does anyone have advice? I just don't understand. I'm fine with him having some "me" time, of course. But what about family time? Why even be married if I do everything alone?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Is it possible he is simply more of the "home body" type, while you are more of the "out-doorsy or get-up-and-go" type? My husband and I have that issue, but in reverse. I am the home body. He wants to be out and doing things. We have had to learn sometimes staying home and doing things like watching movies together (not tv movies but bought or rented movies) or play games together, and other times take time to go for a walk or to the park or beach, or go window shopping. Sometimes I go shopping with him, other times I stay home and he understands I need to feel "safe" in my "comfort zone", and doesn't bother me about it. There are also times when he wants to go off by himself and I understand that's him wanting to feel "safe" in his "comfort zone". Just because you are married, doesn't mean you need to spend all your time together - even when it comes to relaxation time. It took us a long time to learn that. We went through a divorce and remarried for it to sink in
I hope it doesn't end up like that for you.

*hugs*

[Sunflower123]

Is it possible he is depressed? He is showing some signs of it. Also, as wonderful as they are, children can test a marriage and make life more chaotic and exhausting. You could sit down and have a heart to heart with him and you both discuss what you need from each other. You could also try counseling...both individual and couples. Good luck and best wishes.

[BlueMerleGirl]

Thanks for the reply. I think we are both home bodies to some degree, but for him it's just gotten worse since we moved to a new city. I've made friends from work but he hasn't really made friends and I understand that must be hard. I'm not really outdoorsy either but I do need to do some activities. I really don't want us to spend all our free time together, but right now we spend basically none of our free time engaged with each other, or at most maybe a few hours a week. And whenever we do he doesn't really seem like he wants to be doing it. He will usually resist doing the activity and then later apologize and say he likes Getting out of the house. We used to love going to movies and out to eat, and we don't know a lot of people here so it's hard to get a babysitter. He doesn't really like the trouble of going out to eat with a toddler and I get it. I just feel like we don't behave as a unit at all, and I often feel that whenever I'm home it is my job to supervise our child unless I specifically ask him to do it. If we are both doing something and our toddler needs us, it will be me who tends to her. He says it's cuz he's with her all day which I get but I know
If I stayed home with her he wouldn't take over right when he got home and I know this for a fact because I was home with her on my maternity leave and after I got laid off before I had my new job. It's just like we see the world completely differently and it is so sad. I don't want it to be like what happened to you that sounds pretty awful. I really want things to get better but I can just tell there is so much tension between us. We have had our ups and downs but I feel like we haven't really conquered the fundamental issue that's making us unhappy or causing us not to click anymore. And I don't know what to do about it. it's not even just about going out it's doing things at home like cooking or something, I'd like us to do things together at home sometimes also, things that just seem normal to me

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

After your child was born, did the two of you ever figure out a way to give yourselves time for just the two of you? Doesn't matter if it's only 2 hrs 1 day a week, so long as it's the same general time every week. Time both of you set aside for each other. You can do it while your toddler is napping if you can't get a babysitter, and find something to do at home - watch a movie, play games, talk about your dreams, etc. The point is, it let's both of you feel important to each other and allows you time to be close, which is important in any relationship. Don't be afraid to talk to him about things that are worrying or upsetting you either..it could be the best time to do it, because you have his full attention then.