[americaneskimo]

Hi everyone, hope youre doing okay tonight.
For the longest time now, Ive been wondering if i somehow force myself to be sad. Like, ill realize that i havent been extremely down for a few days, and ill think something like, "hey, thats odd, im usually depressed by now," and then ill just keep thinking about that over and over, and some small event will become a big deal to me suddenly. Then ill read sad stuff online as a coping mechanism- even if im not really t o o sad at the time. But that only makes me sadder, and ill realize what ive done and get depressed. but then im confused on whether or not that is real, and i begin to doubt if anything i think is valid. then i begin to doubt myself, future, and my relationships, and thats usually the low point. sometimes ill start obsessimg over something else, or sometimes ill kind of let it go and feel numb/okay for a few days. and that is when the cycle starts over.
i am not currentlt diagnosed with anything.
sorry if this is the wrong form for this? im really unsure whether i should put it in the obsessive thoughts forum or not.
any words of advice/someone who feels the same, anything really, would be appreciated.
Love, Eskie

Hi Eskie. Just curious if your name refers to the dog breed, as seen in my avatar?

Anyhow, a lot of what you said rings true for me. The longer I go without feeling down or overwhelmed, the more I'll obsess over the fact that I am not. Small things can then set me off (though I can obsess on some pretty big things too). Then, after dealing with this for a while, a few days of numbness sets in (which I consider relief, really), and then the cycle starts over. Sometimes I'll read very sad or tragic stories from others, just so I don't feel alone in my suffering. That's actually how I first found these forums.

So no, you most certainly aren't alone in this kind of thing. I hope you can find a little bit of an outlet by being here. This seems like a perfectly fine sub-forum to talk about it in, if you'd like. You're welcome to say as much or as little as you feel like.

[MickeyCheeky]

Maybe the idea of being happy, or at least not sad, is so unusual for us that we feel the need to be sad, even if we're not..

[hopealwayz]

I have playlists of sad songs and read sad things on twitter.

[americaneskimo]

Yes, that is what my username is! Im surprised aomeone recognized it. Theyre my favorite breed
Also its good to hear someone can relate, its pretty frustrating of a cycle. Thank you for your kind words
-Eskie

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you go through this. Sending big hugs.